Help letting people know they aren't invited?

Latillo

Hello brides! Hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend!

I have a problem. My FI and I chose to keep our wedding guest list under 60 people. It was part of the reason we wanted to have a DW, so that it was small. We have limited the guest list to include parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and close friends. I am not super close with my cousins (we see each other at holidays once or twice a year).

I was at my cousins wedding about a month ago and my younger cousin was asking about the wedding and saying how excited she was. I didn't know how to break it to her right then and there that they were not invited. I was getting ready to send out the save the dates and figured that would make it clear. Well the STDs have gone out and another one of my cousins was talking this weekend about how she wished she could go etc.

Guess I am confused about why they still think they are invited? How do I break the news without sounding mean? It's really just bc we want a small wedding and we have a small budget, it's nothing against my cousins i love them! Help!

atlastmrsg

Just send invitations to those who are invited.  Keep any Facebook groups closed/invite only.  When guests don't get any info about the wedding, they will get the idea.  Also, on your website, password protect it or pre-fill in the RSVP info so if anyone gets into the website they can't RSVP because their name won't be found.  

And if you have a mom/family member helping you, you may want to send her the guest list.  I kept mine in a spreadsheet with who had RSVPed, who had sent a present early, if I sent a thank you yet, etc. so I could always see it quickly, but also so I had a list I could copy into an email fast.  That way the person is in the loop and doesn't give out info to anyone who calls for it who isn't invited.  

It helps to have the bug in people's ear that it is a small wedding.  I had to do that with mine.  While my venue capacity was 150, the capacity I set was about 120 to not start adding chairs to tables where guests would feel cramped/walkways between tables would be small.  I had to get the word out that the event was not a huge "come one, come all" family event where anyone could come and bring kids.  I had very few issues with people wanting to bring kids (names of children were not on invitations) because it had already come up as family was talking about wedding.

Latillo

Thanks @atlastmrsg I think the problem is that I have sent Save the dates out to my aunts and uncles and my cousins (the ones who still live with their parents) are assuming they are included. I did not address them to "and family".

I will not be sending out invitations until a few months before and people are starting to book now. The wedding is in Mexico so people are starting to put down deposits now. They deposits are not non refundable so I dont want anyone to book and then not receive an invite later and they are out money.

Latillo

Sorry I mean they are non refundable   haha oops

atlastmrsg

Etiquette is that if you aren't on the envelope (ie, and family, kids, new boyfriends, etc.), you aren't invited. It is a shame they don't understand that.

Latillo

I know! I figured once the save the dates went out it would be clear and I wouldn't have to deal with what is going to be a really uncomfortable conversation, haha.

princessleia22

If you are worried that they may book without being invited, maybe just have family members casually mention it to aunt/uncle? Are these cousins in question under 18? It can be very difficult for couple to travel if they need to leave kids at home for extended timeframe. Even if the cousin is teenager, parents may not feel comfortable leaving them home unattended for multiple nights. Or maybe aunt/uncle want this to be a family vacation opportunity. Maybe they can bring the cousin to Mexico with them, but just not have them attend the actual wedding. You should have addressed it when the first cousin said something to you about going. It's uncomfortable to deal with, but it's more uncomfortable to have them show up in Mexico and be denied entrance into the wedding. Or have to deal with the aftermath of other cousins saying after the wedding "But you let XXX go to the wedding!?". By not saying anything up front when they brought it up, basically confirmed their thinking that they are invited. When people ask, you need to be honest with them and just say that it will be a small wedding and you have to limit the guest list. I didn't invite any of my cousins to my wedding because I also wanted small wedding and I have A LOT of cousins (20 not including their spouses or kids). Whenever it was brought up, I would just say that we have a small venue and had to limit the guest list, and unfortunately we aren't able to invite my cousins to the wedding. Most of them were very understanding when its put as a physical space limitation and nothing personal.

Latillo

Yah I will probably just have to mention something to my aunts and uncles. Only one of my cousins is under 18, all of the rest are adults and either in college or a few years out of college but some still live at home.

I probably should have said something when she mentioned it but felt bad getting into the conversation at a wedding. I didn't feel it was the time or the place. I never said they were invited though when she mentioned it I just said we were still in the phase of planning and coming up with a guest list.

Thanks for the advice!

 

Latillo

Physical space is not a concern though, we are getting married at a large resort but budget is a big part of the reason for a smaller wedding so I may approach it rom that perspective.

princessleia22

Really, physical space wasn't really a concern for mine either, but there was a concern with the physical space that could fit into my desired budget. My venue had other rooms/packages available for larger weddings (150+ guests), but for the package that was within my desired budget, there was a smaller guest limit (20-50 guests). Going above 50 guests would require paying for larger space and paying for additional coordinators and staff. I found that saying it's either budget or space takes it away from being a personal choice to exclude them and people are usually receptive. But I figured that saying it was space restriction (which is true since I didn't want to pay more for the larger space) had a more defined line than saying it was due to budget. Some people view money as a fluid object and think that added 2 people doesn't cost that much more and surely you could afford that, right? But, if you do that for everyone, and just add one or two people here and there, it adds up quick. Or I've seen people offer to pay the $50 for their kids to attend with them, which I personally would be offended by . And you don't want others trying to do that. Saying it's a space issue takes away those possibilities of finding more money to add a couple people and puts a more defined limit on the number of guests.

princessleia22

Oh, and no matter what you do, there will likely be some people that won't get the hint unless you are direct with them about it.  We addressed all our STD & invites directly to:

 

Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Smith

 

If kids were included in the invite it was:

 

Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Smith

Sally & Billy Smith

 

Then, even on our RSVP, we listed everyone's first names and asked # & names attending.  But, all communications were addressed to all invited guests by first name to avoid any confusion about who was or was not included.

I still had one of my cousins call me a month before my wedding (after all invites were out and I had already submitted final guest list to my venue) saying he was really sorry that he can't make it to the wedding and it sounds like a lot of fun... um, he wasn't invited! So, there are certainly no hard feelings about him not coming.

Just try to avoid any wedding talk with or around those that aren't invited.  Don't post a lot of wedding stuff on Facebook or whatever (non-invited people don't need to see it and most people don't care anyway). And if people ask, just be direct about it and see you had to limit the guest list and unfortunately can't invite all of the extended family that you would have like to invite.  And if you speak to your aunt/uncle about the wedding or about travel arrangements, you may want to kindly stress that the wedding invite is for just them, not their kids.  They may decide to not come if they can't bring the kids though. Or they may decide to bring the kids on the trip as a family vacation, but just not have them attend the wedding, which really shouldn't affect you much.  It just means the kids are on their own for a few hours during the wedding, but they can enjoy a family vacation during the rest of their trip.

tati&des

Definitely a difficult situation. We kept our guest list at 60 because of budgeting. It's amazing how ppl assume they are invited. We have had tons of friends either be upset or shocked that they aren't invited. We have also had to cut down on our cousins because his family is way to big. We kept our list down to ppl we talk to often and ppl who truly matter.