How to address those asking "Why wasn't I invited?"

Chellek87

I recently have had 2 separate people ask me where their invite is and why weren't they invited.   The first sent me a facebook message saying they did not receive their invite.  They weren't invited, but I am not sure how to address that as others from our social group were but not all.  The other asked my dad about their invite and told him they were very hurt they weren't invited as they invited us to their daughters wedding (over 4 years ago). 

We are trying to keep our wedding small, under 100 people total including myself, my fiance, DJ, and photographer.  We are paying for the wedding and would like to actually have a life after rather than be in debt.  Plus we limited our family that was invited too, neither of these people are family or one's I even talk to every month. 

I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore than what I guess I have already.  I hate confrontation so I am struggling with this and I don't want to ignore them.  

Thanks.

theartistformerlyknownas

Keep it short and sweet, then change the subject. "We're sorry, we simply weren't able to invite everyone. Say, isn't Timmy starting football this fall? Hoes that going?" Don't give excuses like size (they might ask "well if people decline can we come?") or money (they might try to pay their own way).

SammiNJonni

^This. Were sorry we couldn't invite everyone, have you tried the bean dip?

AddieCake

What LoLo said. Some people will continue to press, so just repeat as necessary. I eventually had to tell a couple people, "This is my wedding, and it's not a large affair. My wedding is not a kegger for everyone I've ever met" because I just couldn't stand them asking anymore.

themosthappy91

Ugh reading these kinds of stories makes me cringe!  Seriously what is WRONG with people?  I can't imagine feeling entitled to a wedding invitation, especially if I'm not close family or a best friend.  Do people really not get that weddings are expensive and a huge ordeal to plan so some people might choose to limit the guest list??  Like if it were someone I was truly expecting an invitation from I might be a little put out and gripe to FI, but who feels so entitled that they think it's appropriate to ask "where's my invite"?

Just to share a similar experience, shortly after FI and I got engaged we found out that a group of his friends FROM HIGH SCHOOL (which we are a solid six years away from by now) had been going around to his parents' house and talking about how excited they are for the wedding.  I was completely blown away- these are guys who, while yes they were his best friends in high school, we see maybe twice a year for the past five years (once over the holidays, MAYBE once every summer).  Why would they assume they are invited without a second thought?  As I have mentioned elsewhere, FI is in his second year of dental school and I am a first year teacher- it's not like anyone could mistakenly think we have the money (even if we had the desire) to throw some huge shindig and host the whole town.  And it created a very uncomfortable situation... FILs, who are extremely unhappy that we're having a small wedding anyway (and no they have never offered to pay...) put a ton of pressure on FI to "make room" for these friends (four of them total, two of whom have GFs who would also need to be invited) on the guest list.  We said there is no way we can add six people, and even if we could it would feel so wrong to invite those six over many other people (both family and friends) who we are much closer to.  FI decided to reach out to these guys and explain that we couldn't invite them (we did use the budget line, not sure if that was against etiquette to say but it's the truth) so at least they stopped putting FILs in the uncomfortable position of not knowing how to react when they came around talking about how excited they are.  He sent a FB message to the group and attempted to follow up with texts (not the most direct way to communicate I know, but these are 23 year old guys so they don't really pick up the phone and call one another).  He never heard a word back from them.  One of them even unfriended me on FB.  Soooooo to me that really shows how much they valued his/our friendship in the first place... which brings me right back to WHY WOULD THEY EVER ASSUME THEY WERE INVITED??

So sorry to hijack your thread but I thought my experiences would relate... and at the end of the day I'm just left questioning how people can be so self-centered... 

PineapplePopsicles

ughhh my coworker asked when i was mailing my invitations... i just "bean dipped" with "oh my gosh i have so much wedding stuff to do and i'm running out of time!!". invites were mailed a month ago. .....

climbingsingle

FI's ex-girlfriend (yes, we invited her) cornered me one night to tell me that her parents were unhappy they weren't invited. And I said, "Unfortunately we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to. I'm going to go grab a drink."

[Deleted User]

I have this problem already with people asking rather saying this "We are going to be invited right?

 

I have a social group that I spend a lot of time with BUT there are a few I am closer to that are coming the others are not. I do not talk about the wedding around the others. I've had family do it, friends, and co-workers...It does put you in a bad spot. Ish.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

I had a friend say "I still want to go to your wedding and will do anything to be there!"

This friend and I had a separation period and havent been close for a few years.  She assumed that because we were close a few years ago she was a shoe-in.  I gave the explanations above and bean dipped and she has since moved to another country (She said the "I will be there!" line because she was moving).  I never gave her the impression she was coming.  I never said she was invited.  She just guessed that she was.  

My boss asked what day the wedding was and I felt bad because even though I want to invite her now (we have become friends) I feel like it is serious B-listing to do so.

climbingsingle

martha1818 said:

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ClimbingBrideNY said:

FI's ex-girlfriend (yes, we invited her) cornered me one night to tell me that her parents were unhappy they weren't invited. And I said, "Unfortunately we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to. I'm going to go grab a drink."

Ummm...what! Why?! Also...why?

She and FI dated for like 12 years. They remained friends, and FI is very close friends with her twin sister and their older brother. FI did attend ex's wedding a few years ago (before he met me). 

holyguacamole79

ClimbingBrideNY said:

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martha1818 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FI's ex-girlfriend (yes, we invited her) cornered me one night to tell me that her parents were unhappy they weren't invited. And I said, "Unfortunately we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to. I'm going to go grab a drink."

Ummm...what! Why?! Also...why?

She and FI dated for like 12 years. They remained friends, and FI is very close friends with her twin sister and their older brother. FI did attend ex's wedding a few years ago (before he met me). 

One of my friends from college invited her ex to her wedding.  People thought it was going to be weird, but it was actually really fun.  As the bride approached our table to visit with us, she went up to him and asked to see pics of his newborn son. 

climbingsingle

martha1818 said:

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ClimbingBrideNY said:

martha1818 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FI's ex-girlfriend (yes, we invited her) cornered me one night to tell me that her parents were unhappy they weren't invited. And I said, "Unfortunately we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to. I'm going to go grab a drink."

Ummm...what! Why?! Also...why?

She and FI dated for like 12 years. They remained friends, and FI is very close friends with her twin sister and their older brother. FI did attend ex's wedding a few years ago (before he met me). 

Oh that makes sense; still she actually expected her parents to be invited? Like she really thought you had no one better to invite than your FIs ex gf's parents? She sounds a little self-involved, haha!

She's totally self-involved. I couldn't even believe she said that to me. FI has not seen her parents in probably 5 years. And her parents had a falling out with my FMIL. 

weddingcactus

I just wanted to chime in with sympathy. I am coping with a similar situation. We are doing a destination wedding and we wanted something very small in a special place that we want to share with those closest to us. We are including immediate family and our best friends only. No family friends, no aunts and uncles, no co-workers, no distant friends, etc. Yet somehow people get so wrapped up in wanting to go to the destination or wanting to be included in the wedding that they forget that it's terrible manners on their part to demand an invitation to anything, which is why it has put you (and I) in a difficult situation.  It is difficult to answer a rude question without discomfort.

I agree that the best luck I've had is to say something along the lines of "We're having a very small wedding with mostly just immediate family." and then trying to change the subject. 

It's a very awkward situation when someone is expecting reciprocation from an invite to their wedding.  It's not like you entered into some contract where they'd give you an invitation as long as you give them an invitation. Yet some people just see things this way. I think it's very rude and presumptuous to expect anything in return for anything (an invitation, a gift, whatever). They are being rude and the best you can do is to clearly state the fact that you're having a small wedding and cannot invite everyone. 

smalfrie19

I guess there is a woman who is a friend of the family who keeps fishing for info from my grandmother about the wedding and stuff..

And then this weekend, one my my FI's friends (who I am now friend's with) had mentioned that someone he used to know (that I have never heard of) was hurt that she didn't get an invite.. 

southernbelle0915

A lot of people love weddings. They're usually fun social events.

That said, I think a lot of people also lack social awareness and basic manners. They know they want to go and that's all they know. It's pretty pathetic. As everyone else said "I'm sorry, we couldn't invite everyone. *insert subject change*". Someone this clueless will probably push and you'll just have to repeat and subject change until they move on or you excuse yourself from the conversation.

holyguacamole79

My sister got married just over a year after we did.  Around the time of the wedding, my dad sold his dental practice.  Considering the timing (and the fact that I had worked there on and off my whole life), I was told to invite his staff (my parents paid for most of the wedding, and I really didn't mind since many of them were like aunts to me).

DH & I saw one of them recently at the grocery store.  She point blank asked "So why wasn't I invited to your sister's wedding?"  I was all "um, hey- clean up on aisle 9!"

Jena8ly

I'm probably late getting in on this, but I can definitely relate! My Aunt texted me last night regarding her cousin. My 2nd cousin, (who is in her late 50's) I haven't actually had contact with since the last person died in our family around 5 years ago. Cousin called my aunt asking if she was invited and my Aunt, who lives in another state and hasn't been involved with any planning of the guest list or planning at all for that matter, tells her "I'm sure you had one sent to you." Not, I don't know, call Jena8ly's Dad (only living parent) or hell, call Jena8ly.

I wasn't planning on inviting this 2nd cousin because we aren't close. Never have been. Now I don't really have a choice.

southernbelle0915

Jena8ly said:

I'm probably late getting in on this, but I can definitely relate! My Aunt texted me last night regarding her cousin. My 2nd cousin, (who is in her late 50's) I haven't actually had contact with since the last person died in our family around 5 years ago. Cousin called my aunt asking if she was invited and my Aunt, who lives in another state and hasn't been involved with any planning of the guest list or planning at all for that matter, tells her "I'm sure you had one sent to you." Not, I don't know, call Jena8ly's Dad (only living parent) or hell, call Jena8ly.

I wasn't planning on inviting this 2nd cousin because we aren't close. Never have been. Now I don't really have a choice.

Yes you do. You text your aunt back and say "Unfortunately, she isn't on the guest list. You'll have to correct this with her."

You are in no way responsible for someone else's utterings or missteps. This is your aunt's problem. Not yours. 

My MIL did this. Chattered around town verbally inviting a shit ton of people who we weren't inviting. Then tried to guilt us into inviting them because "it would be so embarrassing for her to tell them they weren't invited!" Well, sorry Charlie. You shouldn't have opened your big mouth then. Live and learn.

JellyBean52513

In addition to what posters above suggested, I personally suggest this as a response if they won't get the hint & keep pressing you:

"Look, we just weren't able to invite everyone that we would've liked to, for a number of reasons. I feel bad enough as it is for having to make cuts, I'd honestly rather not talk about it anymore."

That way, you aren't apologizing as you have NOTHING to apologize for, and you're letting them know that their questions are making you feel bad so they'll hopefully get THAT hint and stfu lol

XrebeccaX

A number of people invited themselves to my wedding...which was on the other side of an ocean. In fact a shockingly large number of people informed myself or my mother that they would be attending, months and months before anyone was invited. We heard a lot of "oh I'd love an excuse to visit _________!" Well my wedding is not an "excuse" for you to go on vacation...book airfare and a tour if you want to go so badly!

weddingcactus

XrebeccaX said:

A number of people invited themselves to my wedding...which was on the other side of an ocean. In fact a shockingly large number of people informed myself or my mother that they would be attending, months and months before anyone was invited. We heard a lot of "oh I'd love an excuse to visit _________!" Well my wedding is not an "excuse" for you to go on vacation...book airfare and a tour if you want to go so badly!

This! This makes me crazy! I have heard this from so many people and it makes me want to yell at them. My wedding is not meant to be an excuse for someone (that I usually don't know that well) to go on vacation. I am absolutely not stopping anyone from taking a vacation in the same place I'm getting married, but I sure as hell am not inviting people just so they can have a reason to go to Hawaii. I am inviting people near and dear to us that we want there to share the moment. If you already want to visit Hawaii, then just go! But please don't turn something very important to us into "just an excuse".

acaton5

southernbelle0915 said:

A lot of people love weddings. They're usually fun social events.

That said, I think a lot of people also lack social awareness and basic manners. They know they want to go and that's all they know. It's pretty pathetic. As everyone else said "I'm sorry, we couldn't invite everyone. *insert subject change*". Someone this clueless will probably push and you'll just have to repeat and subject change until they move on or you excuse yourself from the conversation.

Agreed! People want to celelbrate and have fun. They are a bit bold, sometimes though. On another note (and not saying you did this OP, but saying I have seen this from other people)--keep your "wedding news" off social media and don't talk about your wedding with people who aren't invited. It WILL send the impression that they are.

futuremrshp

Question -- when people do come up to you and start asking questions, etc, do you just blow the off?  I don't offer a lot of details but I can't not avoid the topic.  Just curious to how you all deal with it.

levioosa

hoyagirlygirl said:

Question -- when people do come up to you and start asking questions, etc, do you just blow the off?  I don't offer a lot of details but I can't not avoid the topic.  Just curious to how you all deal with it.

You bean dip.  As in:

Semi-acquaintance from Work: Oh my goodness!  I am so excited to see everything at your wedding!  Have you picked your colors yet?

You: We are still working out details.  How about this bean dip?  It's so delicious, I wonder who made it! 

Rinse and repeat.

MollyandD

I had this happen a lot too. People can be so rude without even realizing it. What's worse is that some do realize it.

My now husband had a guy approach him at a show and say, "Please tell me I'm invited to the wedding." We hadn't hung out, other than casually saying hi at shows or parties, with this guy in YEARS. My husband did at great job at politely saying nope. 

vegasbride2015

I'm going through this right now. I have former colleagues and "friends" (I use this term loosely, as we are not close anymore) who are asking about the wedding. One even couldn't believe she was not invited. I said, "we are having a small wedding in Vegas and a budget to adhere to". Now people are asking us to have an in-town reception. Not sure I want to do that when most of these people are flaky and don't show up even after they RSVP.

Another thing that is driving me nuts? People who are soliciting their businesses on my Facebook who are friends or acquaintances. That's tacky. I don't want a Tupperware Bridal Party, kthx.