Vow Renewal questions

snozberry

Hello everyone! My husband and I got married in November of 2006 and it was in front of a JP with only his parents and my mother present. We are coming up on 10 years and would like to have a vow renewal. I, however, have no idea where to start or what to do. I know we are going to have new vows to reflect the 10 years. I also want my dad to walk me down the isle as I didn't have that opportunity before. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else goes on. Is it okay for my to wear a wedding gown? Can I have a "bridal party" of two or three close friends? Is there a couples dance? Would it be too much to have my dad AND my grandfather walk me down the isle? Basically, other than asking for no gifts, should I be planning this out exactly like a wedding? This is, essentially, the wedding we never got to have and is for us to share the occasion with family and friends this time around. Thank you!

Jells2dot0

Since you are already married, it is not appropriate to treat a vow renewal exactly like a wedding. It's proper to have a ceremony, of course, but you should wear nicer, more formal attire rather than a wedding gown and there should not be any attendants. You should also not walk down the aisle to be given away since you are already married and already "given away."

The reception afterwards will be similar to a wedding reception, where you properly host your guests based on your budget and time of day. Most people will suggest that you do not have any entrances, spotlight dances, or tosses. Again, it's not a wedding.

Most importantly, it is considered rude to state anywhere that no gifts are required. Do not have this anywhere on your invitations.

Also, a lot of people on here, including myself, purposely chose a smaller, private, civil ceremony. A vow renewal should not be a chance to "have what you wanted before" or make up for anything you felt you missed out on. Vow renewals are supposed to be simpler, more intimate affairs that are more focused on the strength of the marriage than the fancy party or dress. I'm not saying that you are going into this for the wrong reasons, but your wording will elicit strong reactions from posters on here.

snozberry

Thank you for some insight. I've never even seen or been to a vow renewal so I don't know what exactly they consist of or how things are done. That was why I was asking all these questions. The only thing I had to go off of was my cousins second wedding she had for our family because she lived in another state and our side of the family couldn't make it to her first one. Essentially that was a vow renewal as well since she was already married almost a year before that, but she treated it like a wedding. 

I'm only trying to get some information on what the proper etiquette is for such a ceremony. 

As for asking that no gifts be purchased, I'm afraid that if we don't say something that people might feel obligated to get us something (That's how my family is. They bring gifts for every celebration). 

Jells2dot0

This is also a great resource:

http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette/?q=vow_renewal_etiquette.html

sarigirl16

My husband and I just had a civil ceremony in Tanzania, where he's from, because his mother is very sick. We are having a religious ceremony next summer in the US, and we're treating it like a wedding. We won't be having a dance because it's going to be in the morning, but we're having a formal reception with a full 4 course meal. I will be wearing a white dress (I wore a traditional Tanzanian wedding dress here). I will also have a wedding party. I know yours is further down the road of life than mine, but I care more about doing what brings joy to my life than what other people think. Honestly, as a guest a wedding sounds like more fun than a "vow renewal" anyway. It's your day, do what you want! 

Jells2dot0

sarigirl16 said:

My husband and I just had a civil ceremony in Tanzania, where he's from, because his mother is very sick. We are having a religious ceremony next summer in the US, and we're treating it like a wedding. We won't be having a dance because it's going to be in the morning, but we're having a formal reception with a full 4 course meal. I will be wearing a white dress (I wore a traditional Tanzanian wedding dress here). I will also have a wedding party. I know yours is further down the road of life than mine, but I care more about doing what brings joy to my life than what other people think. Honestly, as a guest a wedding sounds like more fun than a "vow renewal" anyway. It's your day, do what you want! 

Please do not lie to your guests about the intentions of your ceremony. You are no longer a bride. Anyone who is important to you will understand why you married in Tanzania and they would love to celebrate your marriage with you and husband. A vow renewal party can be just as fun as a wedding- a quick ceremony followed by a big party and good food with people you care about.

In addition, I recommend you look into your church's requirements. Many churches will not allow formal full length ceremonies for couples who are already married.

Here is a good resource for vow renewal etiquette:

http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette/?q=vow_renewal_etiquette.html

You can also read the very long sticky on the etiquette board about "re-do" ceremonies following a legal marriage.

Edit- i'll caveat my post if it happens that your Tanzanian civil ceremony is not legally binding in the US. If it's not, then I can see having another ceremony, especially one religious based. However, I still think you should be honest with your guests about the circumstances if asked about it. If someone happens to find out about the Tanzanian ceremony, they may jump to the conclusion that it was legally binding and your US wedding was a sham re-do. It may cause some fractures in the friendship if someone assumes the worst about your intentions.

Knottie70271789

While reading through the forums, I became very scared! 

See, my husband and I got married via elopement. We had every intention to have a formal ceremony. My parents did not approve, and he saved me from, what was realized later, a very abusive situation. 

I do not regret our getting married. I do not want to dismiss our very precious ceremony spent with a close friend and his family. I never want that beautiful moment to become diminished with the idea of having a formal celebration with friends and family. 

I read the site you suggested, and it did inspire some confidence, even gave me some new ideas! What I did not realize that so many Knotties, engaged persons, or married persons feel that my situation is not valid. 

It is not a vow renewal per se. It is an opportunity to celebrate with friends and family while having the opportunity to see my husband's face as I walk down the aisle. Is this so wrong? 

(By the way, thank you for the site!)

Jells2dot0

We now have a vow renewal board where you can share your plans and get vow renewal tips! I'm going to move the thread over there for consistency.

photokitty

Knottie70271789 said:

While reading through the forums, I became very scared! 

See, my husband and I got married via elopement. We had every intention to have a formal ceremony. My parents did not approve, and he saved me from, what was realized later, a very abusive situation. 

I do not regret our getting married. I do not want to dismiss our very precious ceremony spent with a close friend and his family. I never want that beautiful moment to become diminished with the idea of having a formal celebration with friends and family. 

I read the site you suggested, and it did inspire some confidence, even gave me some new ideas! What I did not realize that so many Knotties, engaged persons, or married persons feel that my situation is not valid. 

It is not a vow renewal per se. It is an opportunity to celebrate with friends and family while having the opportunity to see my husband's face as I walk down the aisle. Is this so wrong? 

(By the way, thank you for the site!)

It is a vow renewal. It can't be a wedding as you are already married. A vow renewal is a perfect opportunity to celebrate with friends and family - but what you are planning cannot be a wedding unless you get divorced before hand. There is nothing to be scared of, host a fun and special vow renewal to celebrate your marriage, not your wedding...your wedding is in the past, your marriage however is in the present and you can look forward to its future! GL

destinationtake2

I think it's fine to have your dad escort you down the aisle. He does not have to "give you away." You skip the "who gives this woman to be married..." part. He just escorts you. The value of that moment for you is way higher than what some associate with "traditional" vow renewal etiquette and might say on a planning board. My parents weren't at my wedding so I didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle either. He won't be at my vow renewal but I totally get wanting the second chance to do that. I say go for it.

It's funny how there are all these things you supposedly can't do for a vow renewal because you are already married. I think you get credit for staying married for 10 years! So in order to do "wedding" things you need to get divorced and then remarried....?? Hmmm.

Congrats to you and best of luck in your plans.

Knottie70271789

photokitty said:

It is a vow renewal. It can't be a wedding as you are already married. A vow renewal is a perfect opportunity to celebrate with friends and family - but what you are planning cannot be a wedding unless you get divorced before hand. There is nothing to be scared of, host a fun and special vow renewal to celebrate your marriage, not your wedding...your wedding is in the past, your marriage however is in the present and you can look forward to its future! GL

Don't worry, I know it's not a wedding! My wedding day, my very special day, was my wedding. I did plan it, and it was wonderful! 

After reviewing the suggested site, I found a great way to express what my husband and I have in mind: http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/blessing-of-marriage/

Knottie64141350

We too are renewing our vows. I also got married at the JP. We are doing things exactly how we want them this time around. The reasons we are renewing our vows after 16 years are ones that will make the day more personal and special. I will not be doing a registry unless asked by my bridal party.

 

 

I believe that you are paying money, let this be special. Follow your rules and those that love you will follow.

 

Congrats

OliveOilsMom

Knottie64141350 said:

We too are renewing our vows. I also got married at the JP. We are doing things exactly how we want them this time around. The reasons we are renewing our vows after 16 years are ones that will make the day more personal and special. I will not be doing a registry unless asked by my bridal party.

 

 

I believe that you are paying money, let this be special. Follow your rules and those that love you will follow.

 

Congrats

You have been married for 16 years! You should not be registering, end of story! Vow Renewals are not gift giving occasions. If a guest wants to get you something, that is on them. Registering for a vow renewal will look very gift grabby! The people that may love you may not say anything to your face, but they will be talking about you behind your backs if you try to plan this vow renewal to look like a wedding.

CMGragain

Vow renewals do not have bridesmaids.
Vow renewals do not have showers.
Vow renewals do not have wedding gift registries.
Vow renewals are not second weddings.   They can be beautiful, meaningful celebrations of a successful marriage, if done correctly.  They can also be fake, silly re-dos of what you thought you wanted when you were really married. 

My grandmother ran away from home, eloped and was married in her badly fitting dress (She was pregnant.)  She had a long, happy marriage with Grandpa, and the idea that a courthouse wedding wasn't good enough would have made her furious!

Heather & Nayt

We are planning a 10 year vow renewal in a few years and we are making it more of a party then wedding. We figure we will have our kids walk me down to DH, my dad re-read our awesome vows the JP did for us, and then party with our close friends and family with good music and good food.

We got married at the spur of the moment thanks to the Army and I don't regret it at all and I think the vow renewal is the perfect way to go because it lacks the stress of a wedding. But I also think that there are fine lines when done to make it not seem like a "wedding I didn't have" or like you are looking for gifts.

IrishPirate60

CMG, that deserves to be a sticky in this forum!

Jells2dot0

IrishPirate60 said:

CMG, that deserves to be a sticky in this forum!

@CMGragain is an etiquette queen!