Don't waste my stamp

jaime232

Okay I'm two weeks away from my RSVP deadline, so I'm not publicly bitching about this to anyone.. but let me explain one particular instance of frustration..

I have two sisters who were given up for adoption before I was born.. long story, blah blah.. we've all reconnected via the power of social media, and one of them (Michelle) is really close with me and my other siblings (and has a very similar personality).  The other, Sarah, is friends with us all on FB and comments on a lot of stuff, but we've all been sort of in touch now for 5-6 years, and we've met up at various events (my mom's 50th, my college graduation, my sister's college graduation, etc), but Sarah has never made it to one of these things, so I've never met her in person.  So when I got engaged and she was like, "whoa so awesome so happy for you can't wait!!" I thought it was a fair assumption that perhaps she would make the trip and all of us would FINALLY be in the same room.   We've been engaged a year, sent out save the dates in April, wedding is next month.. so, lots of time to prep.  

She has three kids and is recently married (courthouse, planning a PPD for next June--yay, not) so I understand she has a lot going on.  However, a few of us have tried to sort of feel out the vibe here and see if she plans to come, and she never actually says yes or no but sort of says that she isn't sure she'll be able to come or she's super busy or something.  I guess what bothers me is... quit worrying about hurting my feelings.  Of course I'll be disappointed if you say no, but I will be MAD if you just avoid some perceived confrontation and don't send the RSVP at all.  It's so easy.  Check a box.  Put it in the stamped, addressed envelope.  Drop it in a mailbox.  The end.  

Cliff's notes version of this post--why is RSVPing so hard for some people?

jenajjthr

Maybe this is less about the RSVP and more about hurting her adopted families feelings?  Not saying that is the case with her, but some adoptees are torn between the two. Getting to know the bio family is somehow an act of betrayal to the adopted family. Maybe she stays away to make them happy?

ETA - This by no means excuses her behavior of not RSVP'ing. Sorry, forgot to add that part. 

lurkergirl

jaime232 said:

Okay I'm two weeks away from my RSVP deadline, so I'm not publicly bitching about this to anyone.. but let me explain one particular instance of frustration..

I have two sisters who were given up for adoption before I was born.. long story, blah blah.. we've all reconnected via the power of social media, and one of them (Michelle) is really close with me and my other siblings (and has a very similar personality).  The other, Sarah, is friends with us all on FB and comments on a lot of stuff, but we've all been sort of in touch now for 5-6 years, and we've met up at various events (my mom's 50th, my college graduation, my sister's college graduation, etc), but Sarah has never made it to one of these things, so I've never met her in person.  So when I got engaged and she was like, "whoa so awesome so happy for you can't wait!!" I thought it was a fair assumption that perhaps she would make the trip and all of us would FINALLY be in the same room.   We've been engaged a year, sent out save the dates in April, wedding is next month.. so, lots of time to prep.  

She has three kids and is recently married (courthouse, planning a PPD for next June--yay, not) so I understand she has a lot going on.  However, a few of us have tried to sort of feel out the vibe here and see if she plans to come, and she never actually says yes or no but sort of says that she isn't sure she'll be able to come or she's super busy or something.  I guess what bothers me is... quit worrying about hurting my feelings.  Of course I'll be disappointed if you say no, but I will be MAD if you just avoid some perceived confrontation and don't send the RSVP at all.  It's so easy.  Check a box.  Put it in the stamped, addressed envelope.  Drop it in a mailbox.  The end.  

Cliff's notes version of this post--why is RSVPing so hard for some people?

I mean...maybe she just doesn't know?  She has some time.  Have a margarita and relax

esstee33

Yeah, if your RSVP deadline isn't for another two weeks, I'd be chillin' out before you go prematurely grey. Once the deadline passes, if she still hasn't responded, THEN call her about it. 

jaime232

Ah, I do try to be sensitive about the adopted family/biological family stuff, but her posts on FB tell me that she's pretty open with both sides about it.  Like, she calls us her sisters and brothers and whatnot.. I never got the idea that she was weird about it or anything.  

And you guys are right, there is still some time, but it's just one of those things that bugs me.  There was some thread somewhere that I read about how one thing we learn through this process is that we will send the friggin RSVPs back when we're invited to events in the future.. And with her in particular, I had a feeling she would be more likely to avoid it rather than just check the box and be done with it, so as more time goes on, I get more agitated about it.  LOL

Margarita sounds fab.. 

Bubblegum5586

jaime232 said:

And you guys are right, there is still some time, but it's just one of those things that bugs me.  There was some thread somewhere that I read about how one thing we learn through this process is that we will send the friggin RSVPs back when we're invited to events in the future.. And with her in particular, I had a feeling she would be more likely to avoid it rather than just check the box and be done with it, so as more time goes on, I get more agitated about it.  LOL

Haha yes, I almost always send mine back the same day I get the invite now!

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

I find when people decline, they hold off for the longest time because they think a decline will hurt feelings.  Just tell me you don't want to come.  I swear, I'm not going to clutch my pearls and sob.  I just want to know if I need to place you in the seating chart or not!!  Lagging doesn't help.  Also, pretending an RSVP doesn't exist does not make it go away.  People follow up on these things.  It is just so much easier to fill it out and send it back, the end!

I mean, it's not a court summons...I just thought you'd like to go to a party, you know?  Sheesh :P

I will never dodge an RSVP every again.  I totally get their importance now.

abbyj700

I agree with others - chill until the actual date. Mine was 10 days ago and we still got some in the mail this weekend. Yeah, it's a pain, but people do have lives. If she is that busy - she may not know yet and will send it in at the end of the RSVP timeline.

You always have stragglers and people who are late. You always have some who don't know for sure due to work, or others who are just so inconsiderate they don't answer. The trick is to not let it get you upset.

Our wedding is in 12 days. Our final numbers are due by this Friday. I already reached out to all those I hadn't heard from - and if I don't hear back by Friday, I'm counting them as a no. If they happen to come - we've got a few extra seats but I'm not jumping through hoops to move tables/help them. 

jaime232

@goldchocobo -- yes that's exactly how I feel.  If I didn't need to report a final count, then whatever, who cares.. but I have deadlines, which means they should respect the deadlines.  But I'm not going to sit here and cry about someone declining.  In fact, it means a cheaper bar tab for us.  It's okay, judge me.

I did ask her to return her RSVP, and rather than doing that, she just sent me a FB message that said, "I am traveling ALLOT for work so I don't think I can make it."  (direct quote)  Oookay.  I just said, "Okay thanks, I just needed to know either way."  The end.  I mean, I am still sort of irritated that my stamp is wasted and that her response confirmed a hunch and I gave her a year to figure out travel plans, etc, buuuut.. at least I know.