Mother Doesn't Want To Give A Toast

christichris

My FI wants to have a bunch of toasts at our wedding.  I don't like toasts and feel that they actually just give people an opportunity to pontificate and be the center of attention while telling embarrassing anecdotes and memories.  As a compromise, I'm willing for there to be toasts given by the Best Man, Maid of Honor and us the Bride and Groom.  My FI wants the parents to talk as well.  His parents love to be the center of attention and they both drink quite a bit.  His mother, while drunk on a couple of occasions, has rehashed the beginning stages of our relationship including how he was involved with someone else while dating me and kept me a secret.  That has been years ago and we have put that behind us. Neither FI nor I want to EVER hear that again let alone on our wedding day in front of 200 people. Lastly, my father died a few years back (right before I met FI), and my mother doesn't want to make a toast as my only surviving parent.  Now what should I do?  It just seems like all this toasting business is a mess.  Any one have any ideas on how to handle all of this?

lyndausvi

I would just have the BM and MOH give a toast and leave it at that.  Tell the parents to give a toast at the RD.

hellohkb

I would just leave the parents out of it. If your mother doesn't want to give a toast, I would respect those wishes and leave it at that. Have the best man and MOH give a toast.

April192002

I agree with @lyndausvi about the rehearsal dinner. No one wants to hear toast after toast at your wedding - they get boring FAST! If someone giving a toast isn't much of a public speaker it can also make it a little more nerve-racking with all of the waiting. If you're concerned with your FMIL, I'd have your FI talk to his dad to see if he could keep her speaking time to a minimum or even do the toast for both of them (whether it be at the wedding or rehearsal).

If you've hired a DJ, make sure you give him a list (I'd even include pictures if I were that concerned) of who's allowed to have the mic and who isn't.

beethery

Lots and lots of toasts aren't necessary. And you definitely don't need to let your FI talk you into coercing your mom into giving a toast if she doesn't want to. You're already throwing a party to celebrate your marriage, the attention will already be on you guys without toasts to your radness. Might want to explain that to him.

Jen4948

Just have the BM and MOH toast.

Tell your FI that more than that just isn't going to work for your wedding and offer a compromise in some other area.

banana468

I've only seen a parent give a toast at a wedding two times. One was fine. The other was painfully long and I just wanted it to stop. As a guest, I want a MOH and BM toast and I want them to be short.

artbyallie

No one wants to sit through a million toasts anyway. They should never go longer than about 3-5 minutes total to get through all of them. Our MOH and best man were the only toasts and I think they each spoke for maybe 30 seconds. And you're right, too many people give speeches rather than toasts. Boring.

downtondiva

You don't need that many toasts at a wedding. They will bore your guests -- and potentially make them very uncomfortable if someone's toast is as embarrassing as you're afraid FMIL's would be. Tell your FI that only the BM and MOH should speak and find another way to incorporate some of his ideas into the wedding.

msuprincess04

I like the idea of offering it to them at the rehearsal. We only had MOH, BM, and my brother give a toast at the wedding. A toast is quick and shouldn't be more than a few lines. A speech is long and boring.

twitterbird

We're just doing 2 toasts and our thank yous. Neither of our parents want to get up and give a toast and we're fine with that. The parents of the groom can do a toast at the RD.

Maggie0829

I personally can't stand toasts.  Typically the toast giver finds it necessary to include funny/embarrassing stories about the couple or inside jokes that only a handful of folks get.

Your guests are already coming to your wedding to celebrate you and your new marriage.  Why people feel the need to praise the couple even more, or even worse, why the couple or portion of the couple needs toasts to praise their wonderfulness is beyond me.

cowgirl8238

The only person to make a toast at our wedding was the Best Man.  I didn't have a MOH and none of my BM wanted to speak so I didn't force it.  The BM knew this and just made his short (like 1-2 min toast) to both of us and we moved onto the food!

Now at the RD, everyone wanted to take turns saying a quick word, but it worked because we could space them out and it didn't "stop the party".

OP, I would suggest what others have said, MOH/BM toasts at the wedding and anything else at the RD.

peachy13

In my circle I usually don't see parents giving toasts during the reception, it's usually just the best man, sometimes MOH, and rarely, the bride's parents may thank everyone for coming (if bride's parents are hosting). 

Never the parents of the groom, although sometimes the parents of the groom might talk at the rehearsal dinner. Your mother definitely doesn't need to make a toast, especially if she doesn't want to.  If your future parents in law are drinkers and love to talk, I would definitely request that they make a toast during the rehearsal dinner instead of the reception. If I was a guest who didn't know your FI's parents I would be super annoyed if they interrupted the reception to ramble on about the groom... that's the best man's job. Too many toasts is really unnecessary. 

climbingsingle

I think you should just have the MOH and BM give toasts. If his parents want to speak, let them do it at the rehearsal. 

allispain

I agree with PPs that the fewer toasts the better. We had one from one of my BMs (I didn't have a MOH) and from one of the GM - that one turned into a speech, which had me cringing because it was so long, but there was no graceful way to cut him off. I then spoke for DH and I to thank everyone for being there and celebrating with us.

At the RD, each set of parents gave a brief "speech" (2 minutes or less). DH's parents are divorced and so are mine. His mom/stepdad spoke, his dad/stepmom spoke, and then my mom spoke (my dad chose not to attend the wedding). We had our RD at our favorite restaurant, which is known for its beer selection, so we had a flight for each guest. There were 4 beers on the flight, so each speech/toast/whatever went with one of them at spaced intervals throughout the night. Then, the last one was when DH spoke to again thank everyone for their love and support. It worked really well for us to have it set up that way - 4 in a row would have been overkill, so having one pre-salad, then one pre-entree, etc. gave everything a nice flow.

Also, OP, if your mom doesn't want to give a toast, absolutely no one should force her to do so. That's just plain rude. Show your FI some of the reactions on this board - hopefully that'll get the point across!

jacques27

Perhaps if you explain to your FI that basically he wants to force people to say nice things about the two of you and forcing people to do anything is rude, he'll have a different perspective?

1. No one (including best man or maid of honor) should have to give a toast if they aren't comfortable doing so - whether that's because they are terrified of public speaking, don't want to get emotional, or their husband died and it would hurt too darn much. 

2. As a guest, I really don't want to listen to a bunch of yapping.  One or two 30-60 second sentiments is okay and provides a touching moment - anything more than that has me wondering if it's ok if I keep eating my salad during all the yammering and wondering when I get to go back to the conversation I was having with my table mates before we stopped talking for the speeches.

wrigleyville

A true toast is 1-2 minutes, tops. Traditionally, it was always the BM, but now it's becoming more common to see the BM and MOH give toasts. That's where it should stop. I don't like when it's the BM, MOH, the B&G, both sets of parents, etc, especially since it's usually a long, awkward speech instead of a toast. People want to eat and drink at some point, and endless toasts hold that up.

I don't understand why a B&G would want to give a toast. You don't toast yourselves, and the reception is a thank you to the guests for coming, so it's sort of redundant. You can thank everyone when you do table visits.

jellybeann

Please please try to convince FI to limit the number of toasts, and then limit the toasts to actual toasts and not speeches. FI and I went to a wedding where the bride's dad talked, the groom's dad talked (after having both spoken at the RD which everyone was invited to - it was a Hindu wedding so the whole event took place over multiple days), the groom's sister talked, the bride's sister (MOH) talked (for 20 minutes! she had a slide show!), and the best men both talked. "Toasts" turned into speeches and the whole ordeal took over an hour. It was absolutely terrible and everyone looked pretty miserable the whole time.

So I'm definitely with you - we are limiting to BM, MOH, and my dad, and telling them that they have no longer than 3 minutes to talk.

abbyj700

I like the idea of requesting FI's parents speak at the rehearsal. It sounds like your FI likes the idea of toasts - so rather than just squash his idea - see if this compromise works. 

You don't need to try to force your mom to talk. She doesn't want to and that is more than okay. 

You can't control what FMIL says - in a toast, to guests, ever. Just role your eyes, calm yourself and move on when she is inappropriate. 

At my brothers wedding I felt so bad for he and his wife. Both his FIL and SIL were completely inappropriate in their speeches. SIL was talking about them having sex in a family restroom at a baseball game - and even did a little song and dance with her boyfriend pretending to be the bride and groom - complete with inappropriate lyrics and motions. It was atrocious. But apparently his wife thought it was rather funny...even when reminded that my brother's CFO with his company signed for the to have their wedding at this private club - and the club may not find it amusing.

We are having speeches by 1 BM, 1 GM and my father is doing a welcome. We believe that to be more than enough. And we will be the only ones speaking at the rehearsal dinner to thank everyone for their help throughout this past year and our entire lives.