I wonder if she's getting a list from the kid.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudie, 
Years ago my three siblings and I made a decision to only get Christmas presents for the children. Each year I enjoy picking out nice presents for all my nieces and nephews and I make sure to spend close to the same amount on each of them. The problem is one of my nephews is autistic and no matter what I give him he doesn’t like it. Last year he opened his present from me, looked at it, and threw it on the floor! I asked him what was wrong and with a perfectly straight face he said he didn’t like it. Do I have to keep spending money on expensive presents that he clearly doesn’t like? I’m worried everyone will notice if I spend less money on one child. But I hate spending money on a 10-year-old kid who through no fault of his own will never appreciate anything I give him. 

—Tempted to Be a Scrooge to Only One

NOLABridesmaid

Yes, how about ask the kid or parents what is he in to.

baconsmom

"Through no fault of his own", eh? Well, she's right about that, but it's his parents' fault that he can't be taught to express gratitude and not be rude. I'd be pretty pissed at them, not at him. Yes, it might be harder to make him follow through with societal niceties, but it's not impossible, and they're doing him a disservice by failing to have him follow the same rules I presume his siblings have to. 

6fsn

I have a lot of thoughts on this, but it's hard to answer without more detail.  Is this an issue of the parents just shrugging and "he's autistic so it's ok" or can the child really not be taught how to respond.  If it's the parents I'd get a list and try to get what the kid wants.  If the kid truly doesn't know better and can't be taught better I'd have an honest conversation with the parents.  Maybe there are better ways to use the money.

dharmabunny

I'm with 6, need some more info. Whether it's the parents' excuse mongering/passing the buck, or the kid is actively working on it and it's a slow work in progress...or the kid/parents are working slavishly hard on other issues, appropriate gift giving response is NOT on the priority list for the moment.

I would actually just flat-out ask the kid'a parents for ideas. Maybe they need to do something more like candy, favorite cookies, zoo/museum pass, DVD. Whatever.

IDK...there's a little part of me that is irked by this. I mean, I understand the hurt response and that's valid. And I can understand not wanting to bat zero. But, I'd say the same thing when dealing with any kids that are in the process of learning social cues and cultural neuroses and the difference between the acceptable social lie to preserve good will and the ones that get your ass in trouble. Don't take it so damn personal. You'll eat yourself alive. They're learning, that takes time and failures. It's a complicated little dance of social cues and expectations.

I mean, really, is every single niece and nephew in love with every last one of their presents? Doubtful. It's just the other kids are better at the lie and one just won't do it.

6fsn

^^^^That's really what I meant to say.

kerbohl

Why doesn't she just give money then?  And if the child responds the same way to money, then something else is up.  I am constantly asking my siblings what their kids want for Christmas, and half of the time they neither want nor need anything, so I just end up putting money in a fund for their college (or if they don't go to college, new car fund).