WR but doesn't fit anywhere else - friend issue.

amelisha

I have a very dear friend, one of my best friends for sure but not part of my circle (we met at work a few years ago and have been very close ever since, but she doesn't know my other friends, who are all close with each other.) She is one of 16 non-family guests we've invited to our Vegas wedding. She has also known from day one that there will be no wedding party and that I am pretty anti-wedding and am essentially just in this whole circus to make our parents happy. We have talked very frankly about this many times.

I love this woman but she's getting...a little crazy. I'm grateful that she cares, but for example, last week we were drinking wine and she started freaking out and crying because she's not my MOH (because I DON'T HAVE ONE, remember.) She is also dropping hints about arranging for someone to come do my hair and makeup "while we're getting ready", even though I've told her very plainly that I don't want to hang out with a random person having my hair done and that I plan to get ready with FI in our suite, alone. She made favours and didn't tell me until afterward (although I'd mentioned I did not want to have favours) for all my invited guests, despite most not having travel plans yet. It's just this pile of crazy that I'm starting to get overwhelmed with.

I feel like I've been so clear about not wanting all this stuff and she is still just doing it. It's out of kindness and I do not want to be harsh with her, but jeez. The crying was pretty out of control. She's so sweet and thoughtful and a good friend and I feel like maybe she just thinks she knows best (she's had three sisters get married in the past two years) but I am starting to worry that I'm going to have all this unwanted stuff foisted on me and have this whole thing get more out of control than it already has and I'm not going to be able to weasel out of it without hurting her feelings.

I don't even know if there's much advice to give, especially as I have already sat her down more than once and said "Seriously, I love you but I don't want any of this stuff. You are the best friend ever for wanting it for me and wanting to make it or buy it yourself, though," but I needed to get it off my chest and maybe get some commiseration or something.

AddieCake

Since you have told her point blank to stop, there isn't much else you can do other than stop talking wedding with her completely and maybe not spend much time with her.

OliveOilsMom

amelisha said:

I have a very dear friend, one of my best friends for sure but not part of my circle (we met at work a few years ago and have been very close ever since, but she doesn't know my other friends, who are all close with each other.) She is one of 16 non-family guests we've invited to our Vegas wedding. She has also known from day one that there will be no wedding party and that I am pretty anti-wedding and am essentially just in this whole circus to make our parents happy. We have talked very frankly about this many times.

I love this woman but she's getting...a little crazy. I'm grateful that she cares, but for example, last week we were drinking wine and she started freaking out and crying because she's not my MOH (because I DON'T HAVE ONE, remember.) She is also dropping hints about arranging for someone to come do my hair and makeup "while we're getting ready", even though I've told her very plainly that I don't want to hang out with a random person having my hair done and that I plan to get ready with FI in our suite, alone. She made favours and didn't tell me until afterward (although I'd mentioned I did not want to have favours) for all my invited guests, despite most not having travel plans yet. It's just this pile of crazy that I'm starting to get overwhelmed with.

I feel like I've been so clear about not wanting all this stuff and she is still just doing it. It's out of kindness and I do not want to be harsh with her, but jeez. The crying was pretty out of control. She's so sweet and thoughtful and a good friend and I feel like maybe she just thinks she knows best (she's had three sisters get married in the past two years) but I am starting to worry that I'm going to have all this unwanted stuff foisted on me and have this whole thing get more out of control than it already has and I'm not going to be able to weasel out of it without hurting her feelings.

I don't even know if there's much advice to give, especially as I have already sat her down more than once and said "Seriously, I love you but I don't want any of this stuff. You are the best friend ever for wanting it for me and wanting to make it or buy it yourself, though," but I needed to get it off my chest and maybe get some commiseration or something.

You have already told her to stop, so there isn't much more you can do than start getting a little harsh with her.  Next time she brings up something she is making for your wedding, just say, "Friend, I love you and I have told you this before, but FI and I do not want any extra things for the wedding.  We have everything under control and I have no use for the things you've made.  I'm sorry that you have gone through this effort for nothing."  

Try to stop talking wedding with her too.  If she brings it up, just keep changing the subject until she gets it.

theartistformerlyknownas

Sound like friend needs a new hobby.

She may be thinking that you just didn't want to do the things yourself, rather than not wanting then at all. I would be pretty blunt with that - "everything is done and planned that we intend to have. We do not want nor will we accommodate any other additions or surprises."

amelisha

Thanks ladies...like I said I think it's mostly just a vent. I doubt I'm going to be able to bring myself to be much harsher with her. I mean, the woman cried for like twenty minutes about not being the maid of honour. There's only so irritated you can be with someone who loves you that much, you know? I just kinda needed to get it off my chest so that I don't cave and start making her promises I don't want to keep. I'm on avoidance mode right now.

luckya23

Maybe I'm not a very sympathetic (empathetic?) person, but if someone cried to me about not being my maid of honor for any length of time knowing full well we wanted to keep things simple and were not having a wedding party, I would definitely think they were AW-ing and not "loving me that much."  Loving me should include respecting my wishes, especially on something as inconsequential as not having a MOH.

amelisha

I realise you don't know her, but it doesn't strike me as AWish from her at all. It was very much "you're my best friend and I'm so sad I won't be standing up there with you," not "I want to be a bridesmaaaaaaaaaid," She's the kind of person who'd do anything for her friends, will show up with flowers when you've had a bad day and bring you dinner when you're sick, you know? She's a huge giver and that's why it's hard to hurt her feelings by not wanting to accept these things. @luckya23‌, I think it's pretty unfair to think the worst of a close friend, although I suppose that could be TOO empathetic of me.

lc07

"Friend, You are so sweet to be interested in making favors/getting ready with me. I have a fairly non-traditional wedding plan that is very important and meaningful to me and FI. It has absolutely nothing to do with my friendship with you, and everything to do with what FI and I envision for our wedding. I know that when you made favors/talk about getting ready together it's because you love me, and believe me, I love you, too, but FI and I have very specific plans in mind and it is important to us that we stick with them."

lc07

Also, maybe your friend just wants to feel special to you. You can do something non WR to show you love her. My BFF and her (now) H did their wedding their way, and are doing their baby stuff (My BFF is preggo) their way. It's not the way I think my BFF would have done it if it was just her and was a few years ago (things were more about me then of course.. we are BFFs) - but then it's not a wedding nor is it a pregnancy of course without the partner. And none of what they are doing is unreasonable. It's about THEM. As it should be. I am over the moon that they are together. He is seriously, amazing to her. Since our relationship has naturally changed, I do notice that she has gone out of her way to make me feel very special during these exciting times in THEIR life while still maintaining what is right for them as a couple, which I have noticed and appreciated.