Hypothetical: not inviting sole guest's SO to private ceremony. How bad is this?

aurianna

So I have a friend who is not engaged but hypothetically would want a private wedding, with just her, her partner, and her partner's one parent (but not the parent's SO).

They would have a larger reception with friends and parent's SO.

I know inviting guest without SO to the ceremony is bad bad bad. But is the fact that it's as private as a ceremony could be without actually eloping, and SO still being invited to reception, mitigate it at all?

flantastic

I'm going to say nope on this one. If the SO feels they'd be out of place in the intimacy of the ceremony, he or she can decide to decline the ceremony, but I wouldn't suggest the bride make the decision to exclude him or her.

lovegood90

Nope, this is still not okay.

aurianna

*sigh*
I don't think so either.

I hope it never comes to this with then, though. Because I don't think I can talk her out of it.

levioosa

Still not acceptable.  And considering this is a parent's SO, this may really damage the future relationship with them and their parent (assuming, of course, that they want to remain on good terms with their parent).

banana468

Nope.   Not OK.   

Put it to her this way: If you want people to love an honor the love and commitment that you're making to your partner, why do you think you don't owe our guests the same respect in return?  Any time you do something that spits a couple - from a seating arrangement at the reception to inviting only half of an established social unit, you send the message that YOUR established social unit should be respected more than the relationship of someone else.   And telling someone that you matter more than them rarely goes over well.   When that someone is your parent, you should expect that view to be construed not only as rude but also as disrespecting the parent that you actually wanted to attend.

photokitty

I was actually thinking about something like this earlier today.

If the state you marry in requires a witness in addition to the officiant then I could see it possibly being ok. That's the only way I could maybe let it slide, but honestly I can't imagine any circumstance that I would be willing to ask this of a person I cared about.

The real issue here is whether of not her parent would even be willing to be a witness without their SO being invited. I assume the partner's parents are not invited or are deceased?

aurianna

Yeah... I've used almost all of this.
Her argument is she doesn't even want the parent there but thinks the future spouse wouldn't like that.

So parent without SO is the big compromise.

Oh well. It's all hypothetical for now.

lovegood90

aurianna said:

Yeah... I've used almost all of this.
Her argument is she doesn't even want the parent there but thinks the future spouse wouldn't like that.

So parent without SO is the big compromise.

Oh well. It's all hypothetical for now.

Wait...is this her Fi's parent? This shouldn't even be her decision then.

princessofgenovia

aurianna said:

Yeah... I've used almost all of this.
Her argument is she doesn't even want the parent there but thinks the future spouse wouldn't like that.

So parent without SO is the big compromise.

Oh well. It's all hypothetical for now.

This is a person who is not ready to get married.

banana468

lovegood90 said:

aurianna said:

Yeah... I've used almost all of this.
Her argument is she doesn't even want the parent there but thinks the future spouse wouldn't like that.

So parent without SO is the big compromise.

Oh well. It's all hypothetical for now.

Wait...is this her Fi's parent? This shouldn't even be her decision then.

This.   It's not only her call.   

I'd probably be blunt with her: "Do you want to damage this relationship for potentially - ever?   Do you want to turn this into a huge rift?"

Because unless the SO has done something that's so awful he has a PO and can't live within 1000 yards of a school, I'm not seeing what this is on the table. 

WhatawagSBNy

Best thing is to ask the mother. Because ninety percent of the mothers I can think of, if their child said, Mom you are the one and only person we want there, but we don't want hurt feelings and we very much want SO at the reception.
Those mothers would consider that being considerate of SO, and would actually , inside, be thrilled their child wanted only them.

And no social embarrassment because SO would come to the only social part, the reception.

And your friend could stop worrying. Worst that could happen is Mom would not like it and then you are no worse off than now. Save a lot of worry and ask would be my advice to your friend.

Most parents like the idea that no one is as special to their child as they are, even the other parent. And SO was not there for the pregnancy, birth, and the next many years, she was.

aurianna

lol. No, no she is not ready to be married. Don't worry. This is super hypothetical. I'm hoping when/if a wedding is ever to actually occur that the situation will have changed.

Though in my attempt to explain how it could cause issues she threw me for a loop and said, "What if I have a guest that has three boyfriends. And they're all married other people. Do I need to invite all of them?"

WhatawagSBNy

I think the principle involved is that it is right to invite both members of a social unit to any social function.
This marriage is private. And SO is invited to the social function. So it is a matter of the mother's feelings not of social etiquette. I hate it when people decide what I would want without consulting me. The couple owe mother the respect of at least asking.

banana468

They can ask the mother but really, they need to be set up that the mother may not like it.  Really, she should do the right thing.

And is she seriously asking about what she should do if a guest has 3 SOs and they're married?   Quite frankly that's ridiculous.   But if she wants to go there you should ask:

1) Is this a poly relationship?   If so the other SOs are invited.

2) Are these affairs?  If so, this isn't a legitimate relationship.

3) Are you really trying to skirt the issue of fucking over your future in laws so badly that you're creating scenarios just to prove a point?