Etiquette

How to ask the groom's family for money???

thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN
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My fiance and I are in a really unusual situation and I am in need of some advice. My fiance's dad is in the late stages of Alzheimers and his mom passed away when he was very young. My fiance was in his early 20's when his dad was diagnosed, so his cousin (who is in her late 40's) has financial power of attorney over his dad.

I am not extremely close to his cousin because she lives 10 hours away and has a very busy schedule, but when we first got engaged she said she would pay for anything that the groom's family typically pays for on behalf of his dad.

That was almost 7 months ago, and I haven't heard another word about it since. Our wedding is in 2 1/2 months. I feel really awkward asking her for money since I am not very close to her, but my fiance keeps putting it off. What should I do??

Re: How to ask the groom's family for money???

  • Plan for what you and your FI can afford should be first and formost. This way if someone tells you they are going to give you money towards the wedding and they do not you're not in a panic to figure out how you will make up the said money.You should not ask your FI's cousin about money she said she would give on behalf of his dad, only your FI should if he wants to do so. If he is putting it off maybe your FI doesn't want to ask since his dad is not in the best of health?
    charcoalandblushonefootinthebayounovella1186
  • adk19adk19
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    You don't.  Maybe you'll get a big check "from dad" on the wedding day.  Maybe you won't.  You should never ask for money.
    zitiqueenPrettyGirlLostJaslorraine22
  • This is totally up to your fiance. If he isn't willing to clarify the offer then you get no money.
    zitiqueenMairePoppy
  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin
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    edited June 2015
    You're 2.5 months out, so I am assuming you have most things planned already?  Hopefully you were not counting on that money, especially when it doesn't sound like the cousin gave an actual dollar amount they had in mind.  I would proceed with the planning as you have it now and assume you are paying for it yourselves until you hear otherwise.  If the cousin gives you money before/during/after the wedding, consider it a bonus.

    Also agree with PPs - it's your FIs family.  He should be the one to ask if you decide to.

    ETD words


    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Plan to pay for everything.  Don't ask your FI's family to pay for anything-even if they've previously mentioned it.  Let your FI handle communications with his family.
    SP29
  • abcdevonnabcdevonn
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    edited June 2015
    I feel like this is a weird situation. Is this money that is set aside in your FFIL's will for your FI to inherit? I am not saying this is always the case, but it sounds like the cousin is saying there is money that will go to your FI and I am guessing that is where the cousin is pulling the money from? Unless Cousin was offering her own personal money? 

    If the money your cousin was saying she would "give" is coming from money your FI would end up inheriting, I would say you need to consider whether or not that is how you want to spend it, since in the long run, it would be FI's money. If it was already the plan to use some of that money, FI should ask his cousin for access to some of it.

    If the money your cousin was talking about is HER money, neither of you should ever ask for it.

    ETA: I put "give" in quotes, because if it is your FI's inheritance, Cousin is not really giving you money. She is giving access to money that is already set aside for your FI.
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    frenchiekin
  • Maybe your FI is "putting off" hitting up his near-death father for bubble wand money for a reason.

    photokittysouthernbelle0915PrettyGirlLostJaslorraine22
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    Your fiancé should have approached her to follow up and clarify about the offer a long time ago. I think it's too late now.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OliveOilsMomMyNameIsNotPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm slightly curious as to why this cousin has POA over your FH's father?  To me that's a much bigger issue than getting money for your wedding.  

    I'd say it's your FH's battle at this point as it's his family.  It doesn't need to be awkward.  He could just call her up and say "Hey, remember when we got engaged and you said you'd pay for anything the groom's family traditionally pays for.  Just wondering if that offer is still on the table or if things have changed?"  That way it's not accusatory and leaves the door open for her to explain the situation more fully.  Seriously though, I really think that your FH should have POA over his father.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    AddieCake said:
    Your fiancé should have approached her to follow up and clarify about the offer a long time ago. I think it's too late now.

    Ditto this. 

    Typically the advice on this board would be if a person already offered to give money, but doesn't follow through.  It is fine for the couple to go back and as.  It's never ok to outright ask for money first, but if the parent says they would contribute first - I think its fine to follow up with the person who offered funds.

    However, it seems like a long time has passed.  At this point, I would not go back and ask about the money offer.

    SP29
  • adk19adk19
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    jacques27 said:
    I'm slightly curious as to why this cousin has POA over your FH's father?  To me that's a much bigger issue than getting money for your wedding.  

    I'd say it's your FH's battle at this point as it's his family.  It doesn't need to be awkward.  He could just call her up and say "Hey, remember when we got engaged and you said you'd pay for anything the groom's family traditionally pays for.  Just wondering if that offer is still on the table or if things have changed?"  That way it's not accusatory and leaves the door open for her to explain the situation more fully.  Seriously though, I really think that your FH should have POA over his father.
    Ummmm...what?  Out of curiosity @brinkydink16 do you know this OP personally?  How one earth could you possibly glean that the OP's FH should have the POA?  That seems like awfully irresponsible advice to give.

    The FH was in his early 20s (and may still be) and the father was still legally able to make decisions at the time.  Perhaps FH was/is in college and his father didn't want to burden him with the extra responsibility.  Perhaps FH has some sort of learning disorder, intellectual disability, or other psychological impairment that makes handling finances difficult or understanding important legal paperwork (or just isn't good at that sort of thing).  Perhaps the dad thought that someone in their early 20s doesn't have enough financial or other experience to understand all the intricacies of handling the financial and medical decisions of an adult experiencing debilitating mental decline as someone in their 40s with a bit more experience.  Perhaps the cousin was/is very close to the father.  Perhaps the cousin is an accountant or a lawyer or a CFO of a major corporation who is quite skilled in handling legal documents.  Perhaps the dad thought someone close but still a little more emotionally removed from the situation would be a better person to make the hard calls and objective decisions needed than his own child just barely out of adolescence and faced with the emotional toll of slowly losing his remaining parent.

    The dad was presumably of sound mind when he made the decision, at least by the legal definition.  Why the son wasn't chosen is neither here nor there and being able to control the money to pay for his wedding certainly isn't a good enough reason to challenge for POA.  There's plenty of good reasons why he shouldn't be.


    OP - honestly, I think the ship sailed.  It was a kind offer made presumably in good faith, but you should never count on money until it's in your hand.  Maybe the circumstances changed in the meantime.  Honestly, unless dad was a multi-millionaire that money probably needs to stay earmarked for his continuing care.  At some point, he's going to need round the clock care and possibly be put in a full-time facility if he isn't at that point already and that is ridiculously expensive and usually bankrupts the person if they end up living long enough.
    Jacques, I blocked Brinky long ago.  I suggest you do the same.  These posts are painful though your response was brilliant.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be
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    edited July 2015
    Do you now how much long-term care costs? Do you know how much dementia care costs? A lot more than the average wedding, that's how much!

    Pay for your own wedding and leave FFIL's finances alone so he can pay for his care as long as he is still here - I'm sure you and your FI would rather see him taken care of than pay for one day of your life.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    PrettyGirlLostsnowywinter
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis
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    jacques27 said:
    I'm slightly curious as to why this cousin has POA over your FH's father?  To me that's a much bigger issue than getting money for your wedding.  

    I'd say it's your FH's battle at this point as it's his family.  It doesn't need to be awkward.  He could just call her up and say "Hey, remember when we got engaged and you said you'd pay for anything the groom's family traditionally pays for.  Just wondering if that offer is still on the table or if things have changed?"  That way it's not accusatory and leaves the door open for her to explain the situation more fully.  Seriously though, I really think that your FH should have POA over his father.
    Ummmm...what?  Out of curiosity @brinkydink16 do you know this OP personally?  How one earth could you possibly glean that the OP's FH should have the POA?  That seems like awfully irresponsible advice to give.

    The FH was in his early 20s (and may still be) and the father was still legally able to make decisions at the time.  Perhaps FH was/is in college and his father didn't want to burden him with the extra responsibility.  Perhaps FH has some sort of learning disorder, intellectual disability, or other psychological impairment that makes handling finances difficult or understanding important legal paperwork (or just isn't good at that sort of thing).  Perhaps the dad thought that someone in their early 20s doesn't have enough financial or other experience to understand all the intricacies of handling the financial and medical decisions of an adult experiencing debilitating mental decline as someone in their 40s with a bit more experience.  Perhaps the cousin was/is very close to the father.  Perhaps the cousin is an accountant or a lawyer or a CFO of a major corporation who is quite skilled in handling legal documents.  Perhaps the dad thought someone close but still a little more emotionally removed from the situation would be a better person to make the hard calls and objective decisions needed than his own child just barely out of adolescence and faced with the emotional toll of slowly losing his remaining parent.

    The dad was presumably of sound mind when he made the decision, at least by the legal definition.  Why the son wasn't chosen is neither here nor there and being able to control the money to pay for his wedding certainly isn't a good enough reason to challenge for POA.  There's plenty of good reasons why he shouldn't be.


    OP - honestly, I think the ship sailed.  It was a kind offer made presumably in good faith, but you should never count on money until it's in your hand.  Maybe the circumstances changed in the meantime.  Honestly, unless dad was a multi-millionaire that money probably needs to stay earmarked for his continuing care.  At some point, he's going to need round the clock care and possibly be put in a full-time facility if he isn't at that point already and that is ridiculously expensive and usually bankrupts the person if they end up living long enough.
    All of this. Being someone's POA could mean having to make end of life decisions. A lot of parents don't want their kid to have to make that decision.

    But no matter the reason it isn't your business. This ain't your family. Are you like...really high right now? 
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    mikenbergeronefootinthebayouPrettyGirlLost
  • You're really several months too late on this one.  If there was an actual intent (either from the father before his disease hit or the cousin) than you should have squared this away long ago.  
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited July 2015
    Sorry if I snarked.  My FIL passed away a few months ago from Alzheimer's.  I cannot imagine worrying about your wedding when your FFIL is suffering from this horrible disease.  Cancer is nothing compared to this.  You sound very self centered and greedy.  Your post really hit a sore spot with me.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Yea...... pretty sure I wouldn't be trying to hit up the POA of a man with Alzheimer's so that I could pay for my wedding... 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited July 2015
    About Alzheimer's - it takes years for this disease to be diagnosed.  Early on, my father-in-law would lend huge amounts of money to people he barely knew, sell valuable family heirlooms for who knows what, get lost driving, say "Yes, yes" in reply to telephone solicitors (whom he couldn't hear!), deny being in a major accident, forget to pay bills.  It is heartbreaking for the families of someone like this to watch the waste and the dementia grow, while standing helplessly by.  One day my FIL came home and his huge (3+ carat) diamond ring was missing.  Who knows?  It was supposed to go to my husband on his death, but , oh well.
    The idea of you expecting money from an Alzheimer's patient enrages me.  You are no better than the people who took advantage of my late father-in-law!  I am disgusted.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    snowywinter
  • You plan a wedding you can afford to pay for on your own, and you do not ask for or assume financial contributions from anyone else.

    As for your worrying whether you're going to get any money from FFIL while he's dying from Alzheimer's...I'm not even going to go there.






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    PrettyGirlLost
  • Yeah...I wouldn't be able to take money from a man with Alzheimers with a clear conscience.  The cost of healthcare for people with that particular diagnosis is steadily building, and I've watched the families of too many of my patients struggle to meet their bills and agonize over not being able to afford the best kind of care for their loved one.  Alzheimers truly is a tragic illness.
    snowywinter
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN
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    Thanks to all for the advice - I will not say anything to his cousin. I apologize if I offended anyone. That was not my intent. Money is very tight right now due to some unexpected situations and I am stressed about it, so I was kind of grasping for straws. Trust me, I love his dad very much and would never want to do anything to jeopardize his care.

    Thanks again!

  • my grandma died of cancer and Alzheimer the cancer killed her and the Alzheimer's took away her memory. if you really needed this money and she was really intent on giving it to you then you should have sat down with cousin months ago to discuss things..


    me and hubby paid for everything. my mom paid for half my dress my vile, my bridal shower ( moh sister is in collage and couldnt affford to pay for the whole thing, my parents also paid for my rehearsal dinner. 

    hubbys mom at the end gave 1000 towards the wedding which was not expected at all but it helped out a little bit 
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