Invites and Paper

Is it necessary to list the grooms parents name on the invitation of they're not contributing?

 I mailed wedding invitations out a few weeks ago and I found out my future mother in law is not happy with the way I did the invitations. She's upset because my parents are the only names listed on there and not the grooms parents.  The thing is, the groom side isn't contributing anything...The father is divorced with his mom and remarried and doesn't have a great relationship with my fiance. Not only is he not contributing, he's not even planning on attending the wedding (which was his choice, since we did extend an invite to him).  The mother also isn't contributing anything at all, nor am I asking her to.  But since we started planning this wedding, she wants things done her way as if she were helping to pay for it. I find this to be very frustrating, especially since I've been nice in trying to keep her updated on my plans with the wedding, which I know I do not have to do.  

When I made the invitations, I reviewed them with fiance and he approved. It wasn't until he spoke to his mom and found out she was upset, was when he said his moms name should have been on there. Which made me more upset because he was fine with it until he spoke to her. He's not really stressing it, but she is clearly not happy and I'm currently mad at the both of them because I feel like all of this is unnecessary stress, and it's not fair. 

I looked up a few etiquette tips online about this, and I got some mixed feedback.  However a lot of sites agreed that whoever is hosting/paying for the wedding is who's name should be listed...at the end of the day, this shouldn't even be a big deal! but It's still frustrating to have her be upset, because after all she's his mother, and I'm trying to keep a good relationship, but I feel like it's impossible to please her.  Was I wrong for not including his parent's name?

KnotRiley

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  • edited June 2016
    I also want to make note that my parents are paying for the entire thing! If it weren't for them, there would be no wedding, cause I certainly couldn't afford it on my own. Which is exactly why they are the hosts and the reason why their names are listed on the invitation. It looks something like:

    dad's full name and mom's full name cordially invites you to the wedding of their daughter "xxxx" to "xxxxx" and so on. 
    Knottie30058759
  • I don't think you did anything technically wrong but I see parents get upset a lot about this on here and always wonder why both parents' wouldn't be noted on the invitation. It just seems polite to me. And doesn't cost any more.

    My inlaws didn't contribute and we included them. Or some people use "together with their families."
    banana468bohobrideCABlue_BirdInLoveInQueens
  • Writing "son of" would have solved a lot of issues.   

    No, she didn't need to "BE" on there and she's not hosting but who does it hurt?  NO ONE.

    I'd apologize at this point though and tell her you meant no offense.   The woman raised your FI.  I hope that's enough of a reason to put her on there. 
    MairePoppyBlue_Bird
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    Mine just say "together with their families." I don't think anyone would get upset as we're doing everything ourselves.
    OurWildKingdom
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    This is why I'm a big fan of "Together with their families..." That's what we used, even though my father paid for everything. That way, nobody gets their feelings hurt that they were left off.

    OP, you didn't do anything wrong, but at least understand why MIL is upset. As a guest, I could not care less who is listed on the invitation and honestly don't even notice that part. I just want to know who is getting married, when, and where. But it matters to some parents of the couple to be listed. 

    And yeah, booh to your fiancé on this one.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    SP29Blue_Bird
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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     I mailed wedding invitations out a few weeks ago and I found out my future mother in law is not happy with the way I did the invitations. She's upset because my parents are the only names listed on there and not the grooms parents.  The thing is, the groom side isn't contributing anything...The father is divorced with his mom and remarried and doesn't have a great relationship with my fiance. Not only is he not contributing, he's not even planning on attending the wedding (which was his choice, since we did extend an invite to him).  The mother also isn't contributing anything at all, nor am I asking her to.  But since we started planning this wedding, she wants things done her way as if she were helping to pay for it. I find this to be very frustrating, especially since I've been nice in trying to keep her updated on my plans with the wedding, which I know I do not have to do.  

    When I made the invitations, I reviewed them with fiance and he approved. It wasn't until he spoke to his mom and found out she was upset, was when he said his moms name should have been on there. Which made me more upset because he was fine with it until he spoke to her. He's not really stressing it, but she is clearly not happy and I'm currently mad at the both of them because I feel like all of this is unnecessary stress, and it's not fair. 

    I looked up a few etiquette tips online about this, and I got some mixed feedback.  However a lot of sites agreed that whoever is hosting/paying for the wedding is who's name should be listed...at the end of the day, this shouldn't even be a big deal! but It's still frustrating to have her be upset, because after all she's his mother, and I'm trying to keep a good relationship, but I feel like it's impossible to please her.  Was I wrong for not including his parent's name?

    Hosting doesn't equal paying. Whether or not someone's paying for the wedding, and how much, isn't relevant to how the invitation should be worded, because the invitations aren't playbills that credit everyone who is paying. It's none of the guests' business who is paying for what.

    Is your FMIL doing any of the work of hosting - e.g., acting as a guest contact, greeting guests at the wedding, receiving responses to invitations, and making the arrangements that ensure that the guests' needs are provided for? If she's not, then regardless of how much she is or isn't paying, her name does not belong on the invitations as a host.

    I agree with you that the time to deal with it was before you made the invitations, not after, and your FI and his mother's waiting until then to register a complaint isn't fair to you. And if she's that unpleasable, I think you need to stop trying and set some boundaries: "FMIL, I'm sorry you don't like the invitations, but it's too late to change the wording now [if it is]. I'm not open to discussing this anymore. Please consider the invitation wording a closed subject."

    And if she keeps trying to control the plans without paying, you can tell her, "Thank you, FMIL, but FI and I have decided to do X instead." And if that doesn't work, your FI needs to tell her, "Mom, only those who are paying for the wedding get a say in the plans. Since you aren't doing that, it's strictly up to me and FI [and her parents] how things go."
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
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    AddieCake said:
    This is why I'm a big fan of "Together with their families..."
    How does this work grammatically? Wouldn't it require the guests of honor to be issuing the invitation in the active voice rather than passive?


  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited July 2016
     I mailed wedding invitations out a few weeks ago and I found out my future mother in law is not happy with the way I did the invitations. She's upset because my parents are the only names listed on there and not the grooms parents.  The thing is, the groom side isn't contributing anything...The father is divorced with his mom and remarried and doesn't have a great relationship with my fiance. Not only is he not contributing, he's not even planning on attending the wedding (which was his choice, since we did extend an invite to him).  The mother also isn't contributing anything at all, nor am I asking her to.  But since we started planning this wedding, she wants things done her way as if she were helping to pay for it. I find this to be very frustrating, especially since I've been nice in trying to keep her updated on my plans with the wedding, which I know I do not have to do.  

    When I made the invitations, I reviewed them with fiance and he approved. It wasn't until he spoke to his mom and found out she was upset, was when he said his moms name should have been on there. Which made me more upset because he was fine with it until he spoke to her. He's not really stressing it, but she is clearly not happy and I'm currently mad at the both of them because I feel like all of this is unnecessary stress, and it's not fair. 

    I looked up a few etiquette tips online about this, and I got some mixed feedback.  However a lot of sites agreed that whoever is hosting/paying for the wedding is who's name should be listed...at the end of the day, this shouldn't even be a big deal! but It's still frustrating to have her be upset, because after all she's his mother, and I'm trying to keep a good relationship, but I feel like it's impossible to please her.  Was I wrong for not including his parent's name?

    This is now water over the bridge, and it is too late to change it.
    No, you were not wrong in your wording.  Your are being traditional.
    Your FMIL is being ridiculous, and she is wrong.  Will she admit it?  Probably not.  You can't win this one.  Just keep your head up and let it go.  You can't win this one, especially without your FI to back you up.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • To say FMIL is being ridiculous is way too harsh. She's just a mother who wants to be acknowledged for raising her son etc. 

    Most people have no clue what may or may not have been tradition for how invitations are worded. They just want to be part of the family event - paying or not, hosting or not.
  • I get that it hurt her feelings (though you did nothing wrong). Honestly, of all the wedding that I have been invited to in the past 15 years, I could not tell you which invites had which (if any) parents listed. I've been married for twelve years, and I don't even remember if our parents were on our invites. 
  • What are you going to do, REsend invites just to put her name on it? NO!

    It's done if anyone is not happy just say: its My wedding, IT's my day, i'm doing it how i want it, This is what i wanted, i love they way i did it, or aren't they beautiful?
    Nobodies business how you did things, of course your fiance is going to agree with his mom, it's his mom. Mine will have nobodies names but our own, if my family is mad, then THEY should have made the invitations their selves.
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
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    What are you going to do, REsend invites just to put her name on it? NO!

    It's done if anyone is not happy just say: its My wedding, IT's my day, i'm doing it how i want it, This is what i wanted, i love they way i did it, or aren't they beautiful?
    Nobodies business how you did things, of course your fiance is going to agree with his mom, it's his mom. Mine will have nobodies names but our own, if my family is mad, then THEY should have made the invitations their selves.
    Isn't it your FI day too? Inquiring minds want to know.

    floridabride44ernursej
  • Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    To say FMIL is being ridiculous is way too harsh. She's just a mother who wants to be acknowledged for raising her son etc. 

    Most people have no clue what may or may not have been tradition for how invitations are worded. They just want to be part of the family event - paying or not, hosting or not.
    Having no clue about traditional wording does not automatically entitle non-hosting parents to be listed on wedding invitations. Heck, being parents of the couple doesn't entitle them to be listed on invitations.

    Wedding invitations are not playbills, and being listed on one is not an honor.

    And sorry, but I do think that it's ridiculous to insist on being listed on an invitation when one is not a principal or acting as a host (which is not the same as contributing financially). If one wants to be listed as a host, then one needs to actually be doing the work of hosting. Otherwise, one needs to get over not being listed as a host.

    Question: Exactly how does not being listed on an invitation as a host, when one isn't doing the work of hosting, equal "not being part of the family event" when presumably one will be attending the wedding and reception and perhaps participating in and hosting wedding-related events and participating in photo shoots? 
    I think plenty of parents of the groom can see the invitation as the place where they can be recognized.  Saying "son of Mr. and Mrs. Homer Simpson" is a simple way for the parents to feel included.    It's particularly relevant / important if the couple are from distant locales so the friends and family of the groom can be aware.

    Is it necessary?  No.   Is it awful to omit?  No.    But it's not wrong to put it on there and it's incredibly dismissive of MsOG out there to tell them to just get over it.    

    MairePoppyOurWildKingdomscribe95Casadena
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    To say FMIL is being ridiculous is way too harsh. She's just a mother who wants to be acknowledged for raising her son etc. 

    Most people have no clue what may or may not have been tradition for how invitations are worded. They just want to be part of the family event - paying or not, hosting or not.
    Having no clue about traditional wording does not automatically entitle non-hosting parents to be listed on wedding invitations. Heck, being parents of the couple doesn't entitle them to be listed on invitations.

    Wedding invitations are not playbills, and being listed on one is not an honor.

    And sorry, but I do think that it's ridiculous to insist on being listed on an invitation when one is not a principal or acting as a host (which is not the same as contributing financially). If one wants to be listed as a host, then one needs to actually be doing the work of hosting. Otherwise, one needs to get over not being listed as a host.

    Question: Exactly how does not being listed on an invitation as a host, when one isn't doing the work of hosting, equal "not being part of the family event" when presumably one will be attending the wedding and reception and perhaps participating in and hosting wedding-related events and participating in photo shoots? 
    I think plenty of parents of the groom can see the invitation as the place where they can be recognized.  Saying "son of Mr. and Mrs. Homer Simpson" is a simple way for the parents to feel included.    It's particularly relevant / important if the couple are from distant locales so the friends and family of the groom can be aware.

    Is it necessary?  No.   Is it awful to omit?  No.    But it's not wrong to put it on there and it's incredibly dismissive of MsOG out there to tell them to just get over it.    

    I don't agree. Being listed on an invitation is not an "honor" because the invitation is not a playbill and its purpose is not to "recognize" the parents of the couple. The persons honored by a wedding invitation are the guests, not the couple, and not their parents. That's why I think non-hosting parents do need to get over it if they're disappointed over not being listed. 

    The program (if one is in use), not the invitation, is the place to "recognize" anyone. And mothers of grooms (and for that matter, any other family members of the couple) are not entitled to "recognition" at their children's weddings simply because they share DNA with one of the couple. 

    Also, by the time the invitation goes out, it's too late to make changes. Anyone who is disappointed by the wording really does need to let it go. 
  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    To say FMIL is being ridiculous is way too harsh. She's just a mother who wants to be acknowledged for raising her son etc. 

    Most people have no clue what may or may not have been tradition for how invitations are worded. They just want to be part of the family event - paying or not, hosting or not.
    Having no clue about traditional wording does not automatically entitle non-hosting parents to be listed on wedding invitations. Heck, being parents of the couple doesn't entitle them to be listed on invitations.

    Wedding invitations are not playbills, and being listed on one is not an honor.

    And sorry, but I do think that it's ridiculous to insist on being listed on an invitation when one is not a principal or acting as a host (which is not the same as contributing financially). If one wants to be listed as a host, then one needs to actually be doing the work of hosting. Otherwise, one needs to get over not being listed as a host.

    Question: Exactly how does not being listed on an invitation as a host, when one isn't doing the work of hosting, equal "not being part of the family event" when presumably one will be attending the wedding and reception and perhaps participating in and hosting wedding-related events and participating in photo shoots? 
    I think plenty of parents of the groom can see the invitation as the place where they can be recognized.  Saying "son of Mr. and Mrs. Homer Simpson" is a simple way for the parents to feel included.    It's particularly relevant / important if the couple are from distant locales so the friends and family of the groom can be aware.

    Is it necessary?  No.   Is it awful to omit?  No.    But it's not wrong to put it on there and it's incredibly dismissive of MsOG out there to tell them to just get over it.    

    I don't agree. Being listed on an invitation is not an "honor" because the invitation is not a playbill and its purpose is not to "recognize" the parents of the couple. The persons honored by a wedding invitation are the guests, not the couple, and not their parents. That's why I think non-hosting parents do need to get over it if they're disappointed over not being listed. 

    The program (if one is in use), not the invitation, is the place to "recognize" anyone. And mothers of grooms (and for that matter, any other family members of the couple) are not entitled to "recognition" at their children's weddings simply because they share DNA with one of the couple. 

    Also, by the time the invitation goes out, it's too late to make changes. Anyone who is disappointed by the wording really does need to let it go. 
    I agree that once it's out then it's too late to do anything.    

    We can agree to disagree.    I think a son of line can be helpful but not necessary.     The time to clear all wording is before the invitation gets ordered.   After that,  don't throw your FI under the bus.
    ILoveBeachMusicOurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    To say FMIL is being ridiculous is way too harsh. She's just a mother who wants to be acknowledged for raising her son etc. 

    Most people have no clue what may or may not have been tradition for how invitations are worded. They just want to be part of the family event - paying or not, hosting or not.
    Having no clue about traditional wording does not automatically entitle non-hosting parents to be listed on wedding invitations. Heck, being parents of the couple doesn't entitle them to be listed on invitations.

    Wedding invitations are not playbills, and being listed on one is not an honor.

    And sorry, but I do think that it's ridiculous to insist on being listed on an invitation when one is not a principal or acting as a host (which is not the same as contributing financially). If one wants to be listed as a host, then one needs to actually be doing the work of hosting. Otherwise, one needs to get over not being listed as a host.

    Question: Exactly how does not being listed on an invitation as a host, when one isn't doing the work of hosting, equal "not being part of the family event" when presumably one will be attending the wedding and reception and perhaps participating in and hosting wedding-related events and participating in photo shoots? 
    I think plenty of parents of the groom can see the invitation as the place where they can be recognized.  Saying "son of Mr. and Mrs. Homer Simpson" is a simple way for the parents to feel included.    It's particularly relevant / important if the couple are from distant locales so the friends and family of the groom can be aware.

    Is it necessary?  No.   Is it awful to omit?  No.    But it's not wrong to put it on there and it's incredibly dismissive of MsOG out there to tell them to just get over it.    

    I don't agree. Being listed on an invitation is not an "honor" because the invitation is not a playbill and its purpose is not to "recognize" the parents of the couple. The persons honored by a wedding invitation are the guests, not the couple, and not their parents. That's why I think non-hosting parents do need to get over it if they're disappointed over not being listed. 

    The program (if one is in use), not the invitation, is the place to "recognize" anyone. And mothers of grooms (and for that matter, any other family members of the couple) are not entitled to "recognition" at their children's weddings simply because they share DNA with one of the couple. 

    Also, by the time the invitation goes out, it's too late to make changes. Anyone who is disappointed by the wording really does need to let it go. 
    I agree that once it's out then it's too late to do anything.    

    We can agree to disagree.    I think a son of line can be helpful but not necessary.     The time to clear all wording is before the invitation gets ordered.   After that,  don't throw your FI under the bus.
    Actually, I think we can agree on these things. I would never tell a parent who is upset about not being listed on a wedding invitation to "get over it" but that honestly seems to me like their best course of action.

    I get that parents might feel disappointed about not being listed on the invitation, but it also seems to me like they're making a mountain out of a molehill by making a big issue of it, because they're misunderstanding the invitation's purpose and/or because their egos are already fragile.

    There are so many other ways that the couple might be "honoring" and "recognizing" them that making an issue of the invitation wording doesn't strike me as the best use of everyone's time, energy and resources.


  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    To say FMIL is being ridiculous is way too harsh. She's just a mother who wants to be acknowledged for raising her son etc. 

    Most people have no clue what may or may not have been tradition for how invitations are worded. They just want to be part of the family event - paying or not, hosting or not.
    Having no clue about traditional wording does not automatically entitle non-hosting parents to be listed on wedding invitations. Heck, being parents of the couple doesn't entitle them to be listed on invitations.

    Wedding invitations are not playbills, and being listed on one is not an honor.

    And sorry, but I do think that it's ridiculous to insist on being listed on an invitation when one is not a principal or acting as a host (which is not the same as contributing financially). If one wants to be listed as a host, then one needs to actually be doing the work of hosting. Otherwise, one needs to get over not being listed as a host.

    Question: Exactly how does not being listed on an invitation as a host, when one isn't doing the work of hosting, equal "not being part of the family event" when presumably one will be attending the wedding and reception and perhaps participating in and hosting wedding-related events and participating in photo shoots? 
    I think plenty of parents of the groom can see the invitation as the place where they can be recognized.  Saying "son of Mr. and Mrs. Homer Simpson" is a simple way for the parents to feel included.    It's particularly relevant / important if the couple are from distant locales so the friends and family of the groom can be aware.

    Is it necessary?  No.   Is it awful to omit?  No.    But it's not wrong to put it on there and it's incredibly dismissive of MsOG out there to tell them to just get over it.    

    I don't agree. Being listed on an invitation is not an "honor" because the invitation is not a playbill and its purpose is not to "recognize" the parents of the couple. The persons honored by a wedding invitation are the guests, not the couple, and not their parents. That's why I think non-hosting parents do need to get over it if they're disappointed over not being listed. 

    The program (if one is in use), not the invitation, is the place to "recognize" anyone. And mothers of grooms (and for that matter, any other family members of the couple) are not entitled to "recognition" at their children's weddings simply because they share DNA with one of the couple. 

    Also, by the time the invitation goes out, it's too late to make changes. Anyone who is disappointed by the wording really does need to let it go. 
    I agree that once it's out then it's too late to do anything.    

    We can agree to disagree.    I think a son of line can be helpful but not necessary.     The time to clear all wording is before the invitation gets ordered.   After that,  don't throw your FI under the bus.
    Actually, I think we can agree on these things. I would never tell a parent who is upset about not being listed on a wedding invitation to "get over it" but that honestly seems to me like their best course of action.

    I get that parents might feel disappointed about not being listed on the invitation, but it also seems to me like they're making a mountain out of a molehill by making a big issue of it, because they're misunderstanding the invitation's purpose and/or because their egos are already fragile.

    There are so many other ways that the couple might be "honoring" and "recognizing" them that making an issue of the invitation wording doesn't strike me as the best use of everyone's time, energy and resources.


    I agree.   But if there's anything that getting married has taught me it's that everyone's emotions are in a heightened state.    I witnessed a few temper tantrums in my own wedding and in those of people close to me.   
    OurWildKingdomJen4948
  • Knottie, it sounds like you have it right to me. His mama is the rude one. Mama's boy needs some big boy pants. Stop sharing too much with her -- it's an open door she clearly abuses. Best of luck.
  • I think your would be groom is confused and can't take decisions. So stop sharing all little things with him and just keep yourself more busy with all your wedding planning.
  • I think your would be groom is confused and can't take decisions. So stop sharing all little things with him and just keep yourself more busy with all your wedding planning.
    You have amazing advice. You should become a relationship counsellor. 
    SP29
  • I think your would be groom is confused and can't take decisions. So stop sharing all little things with him and just keep yourself more busy with all your wedding planning.
    Uh, what?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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