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Food and Cakes

Future In-Laws - Won't be eating due to dietary restrictions (Halal)

My future in-laws are Muslim and prefer to eat Halal food. In the past when we've gone out to restaurants with them it wasn't an issue if the place wasn't Halal certified. They ate anywhere and just didn't touch pork dishes and my fiance and I didn't order pork out of respect.

We've provided three options for our reception dinner and all are made without pork. My fiance's parents are now refusing to eat or drink anything at the reception because we didn't get our food from a Halal caterer.

They're now debating not coming to the wedding at all because we've insulted them because of the non-Halal caterer.

Has this happened to anyone else and if so how did you deal with it?

I'm okay with them not eating. It's their choice and I'll respect it, but it just seems really odd that they're normally fine with this and now it's a big deal.

Re: Future In-Laws - Won't be eating due to dietary restrictions (Halal)

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I don't understand their sudden refusal to eat either. There must be something else going on. Are they paying for the reception?
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Are they paying for the wedding?

  • If they aren't paying for the food, I don't understand why this is suddenly an issue when it never has been in the past.

    The only thing I can think of is that, if his parents are Muslim, so are a lot of his relatives. And it's possible his side of the family isn't as flexible diet-wise as his parents have been when eating out with you two. If half the guests can't eat the food since it's not Halal, then I can see how that's a problem.

    If that's not the case, I would do as STARMOON suggested and have special Halal meals for them. If they still threaten not to attend, your FI needs to talk to them because there's something else going on here.

    *********************************************************************************

    image
    OurWildKingdomHeffalumpInLoveInQueens
  • No, I'm splitting it 50/50 with my parents.
  • No, I'm splitting it 50/50 with my parents.
  • They were not expecting a Halal caterer and they are the only two who are Muslim on my fiance's side of the family.

    It was clear from the beginning that we were getting married at a historical Park that grows most of its own food. They are very familiar with the park. My father in law was super excited about getting to wear his cowboy boots and hat since it's mostly Old West buildings.

    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 

    When we discussed food with them they said they would be comfortable with anything as long as we could guarantee no pork. This was over a year ago so maybe something did get lost along the way.

    I have asked about getting separate meals from outside the venue. I just have to wait on the venue's response. I should also clarify that I'm three weeks away from the wedding and this came up 3 days ago!

    Thank's for everyone's responses!
    OurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    This is odd. Is there any other reason besides the food content why they would want to not attend? Deliberately deciding not to attend one's child's wedding is extremely hurtful, so I'm wondering what would make them change their minds. If they were ok with a guarantee of no pork, I think using halal as the reason to not attend is a very weak explanation and something else must be going on.
    mollybarker11InLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2016
    It's my understanding that since Kosher is much stricter than Halal, most Muslims can eat Kosher.    

    Now like  Jewish people with Kosher, people have different levels of what is acceptable for their own person believes.     IE.  Some people are kosher light and will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but stick to fish (scales only) or vegetarian meals.   They will not eat meat at a restaurant because it's not kosher.  However, they do not mind the plate might have had meat and dairy at one time.    At home they only eat kosher meats.  Separate meat and diary. Have separate plates, etc.

    Since your FFILs will eat at non-halal restaurants, they seem to fall in the category above with Halal.  Maybe a kosher meal might be a good compromise since it's they are not too far off from each other and Kosher is stricter. This only works if the Kosher food is not cooked with alcohol.

    Just a thought.


    ETA



    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 


    Just saw this.  If they guarantee the food is Kosher than your FFILs should be okay (again if it's not cooked in alcohol).  

    Have you explained to your FFILs the food is Kosher?  If you have and they are still putting up a fight I think there might be other things going on.  They already eat at non-halal restaurants.  Eating kosher should be okay for them.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusicOliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    It's my understanding that since Kosher is much stricter than Halal, most Muslims can eat Kosher.    

    Now like  Jewish people with Kosher, people have different levels of what is acceptable for their own person believes.     IE.  Some people are kosher light and will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but stick to fish (scales only) or vegetarian meals.   They will not eat meat at a restaurant because it's not kosher.  However, they do not mind the plate might have had meat and dairy at one time.    At home they only eat kosher meats.  Separate meat and diary. Have separate plates, etc.

    Since your FFILs will eat at non-halal restaurants, they seem to fall in the category above with Halal.  Maybe a kosher meal might be a good compromise since it's they are not too far off from each other and Kosher is stricter. This only works if the Kosher food is not cooked with alcohol.

    Just a thought.


    ETA



    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 


    Just saw this.  If they guarantee the food is Kosher than your FFILs should be okay (again if it's not cooked in alcohol).  

    Have you explained to your FFILs the food is Kosher?  If you have and they are still putting up a fight I think there might be other things going on.  They already eat at non-halal restaurants.  Eating kosher should be okay for them.
    Not necessarily. For ultra-Orthodox Jews, for example, it's not enough for food to be "kosher" that it doesn't contain pork, shellfish, or mixed meat and dairy foods-the foods have to be processed using special procedures that require the supervision of other Orthodox Jews and must be certified by authorities they accept (that can be a whole other bone of contention) as having gone through those procedures. There can be a lot of controversy over whether a particular foodstuff is "kosher" or not.

    Halal might be the same, and these parents might require that.
    japrincess24
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2016
    Jen4948 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    It's my understanding that since Kosher is much stricter than Halal, most Muslims can eat Kosher.    

    Now like  Jewish people with Kosher, people have different levels of what is acceptable for their own person believes.     IE.  Some people are kosher light and will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but stick to fish (scales only) or vegetarian meals.   They will not eat meat at a restaurant because it's not kosher.  However, they do not mind the plate might have had meat and dairy at one time.    At home they only eat kosher meats.  Separate meat and diary. Have separate plates, etc.

    Since your FFILs will eat at non-halal restaurants, they seem to fall in the category above with Halal.  Maybe a kosher meal might be a good compromise since it's they are not too far off from each other and Kosher is stricter. This only works if the Kosher food is not cooked with alcohol.

    Just a thought.


    ETA



    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 


    Just saw this.  If they guarantee the food is Kosher than your FFILs should be okay (again if it's not cooked in alcohol).  

    Have you explained to your FFILs the food is Kosher?  If you have and they are still putting up a fight I think there might be other things going on.  They already eat at non-halal restaurants.  Eating kosher should be okay for them.
    Not necessarily. For ultra-Orthodox Jews, for example, it's not enough for food to be "kosher" that it doesn't contain pork, shellfish, or mixed meat and dairy foods-the foods have to be processed using special procedures that require the supervision of other Orthodox Jews and must be certified by authorities they accept (that can be a whole other bone of contention) as having gone through those procedures. There can be a lot of controversy over whether a particular foodstuff is "kosher" or not.

    Halal might be the same, and these parents might require that.
    Do you not read?  I know exactly what kosher means.

     I specifically said each person has their own definition of what is acceptable.   Of course an Orthodox Jew will not eat at a non-kosher restaurant.  Heck, they might not even eat at a kosher restaurant if it isn't kosher enough for them.      Other Jews will keep kosher at home, but not eating out.   Some will just eat fish and/or vegetarian out because they do not have to deal with the meat/dairy issue (both those can be eaten with either).   In my experience of serving, the definition of kosher can all over the place, based on how strict the individual is. 


    The OP specifically said she has had dinner with her FFIL at non-halal restaurants.  One can assume they are not super strict.   Kosher and Halal are not that far off, with kosher being stricter than Halal.    

    It's a real possibly their already kosher menu will work for her FFILs since they already eat at non-halal restaurants and should be explored as an option.  I






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2016
    lyndausvi said:
    Jen4948 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    It's my understanding that since Kosher is much stricter than Halal, most Muslims can eat Kosher.    

    Now like  Jewish people with Kosher, people have different levels of what is acceptable for their own person believes.     IE.  Some people are kosher light and will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but stick to fish (scales only) or vegetarian meals.   They will not eat meat at a restaurant because it's not kosher.  However, they do not mind the plate might have had meat and dairy at one time.    At home they only eat kosher meats.  Separate meat and diary. Have separate plates, etc.

    Since your FFILs will eat at non-halal restaurants, they seem to fall in the category above with Halal.  Maybe a kosher meal might be a good compromise since it's they are not too far off from each other and Kosher is stricter. This only works if the Kosher food is not cooked with alcohol.

    Just a thought.


    ETA



    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 


    Just saw this.  If they guarantee the food is Kosher than your FFILs should be okay (again if it's not cooked in alcohol).  

    Have you explained to your FFILs the food is Kosher?  If you have and they are still putting up a fight I think there might be other things going on.  They already eat at non-halal restaurants.  Eating kosher should be okay for them.
    Not necessarily. For ultra-Orthodox Jews, for example, it's not enough for food to be "kosher" that it doesn't contain pork, shellfish, or mixed meat and dairy foods-the foods have to be processed using special procedures that require the supervision of other Orthodox Jews and must be certified by authorities they accept (that can be a whole other bone of contention) as having gone through those procedures. There can be a lot of controversy over whether a particular foodstuff is "kosher" or not.

    Halal might be the same, and these parents might require that.
    Do you not read?  I know exactly what kosher means.

     I specifically said each person has their own definition of what is acceptable.   Of course an Orthodox Jew will not eat at a non-kosher restaurant.  Heck, they might not even eat at a kosher restaurant if it isn't kosher enough for them.      Other Jews will keep kosher at home, but not eating out.   Some will just eat fish and/or vegetarian out because they do not have to deal with the meat/dairy issue (both those can be eaten with either).   In my experience of serving, the definition of kosher can all over the place, based on how strict the individual is. 


    The OP specifically said she has had dinner with her FFIL at non-halal restaurants.  One can assume they are not super strict.   Kosher and Halal are not that far off, with kosher being stricter than Halal.    

    It's a real possibly their already kosher menu will work for her FFILs since they already eat at non-halal restaurants and should be explored as an option.  I
    I read, @lyndausvi. Your snarky reply to me was not warranted.

    Kosher is not the same as halal, and may be stricter or not than halal. The requirements are not the same; nor, as you point out, are the degrees of compliance the same. 
  • Said out of ignorance of both halal and kosher....

    Could the level of strictness be proportional to the event for some people? Ie eating at a restaurant has no religious/spiritual meaning and therefor less strict is fine. But a wedding is much more formal and has way more meaning associated with it that it *deserves* a more strict meal? Just a thought that makes logical sense to me and would explain their parents being ok with eating at non halal restaurants but are not ok with it at the wedding. 
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwejaprincess24
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    Jen4948 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    Jen4948 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    It's my understanding that since Kosher is much stricter than Halal, most Muslims can eat Kosher.    

    Now like  Jewish people with Kosher, people have different levels of what is acceptable for their own person believes.     IE.  Some people are kosher light and will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but stick to fish (scales only) or vegetarian meals.   They will not eat meat at a restaurant because it's not kosher.  However, they do not mind the plate might have had meat and dairy at one time.    At home they only eat kosher meats.  Separate meat and diary. Have separate plates, etc.

    Since your FFILs will eat at non-halal restaurants, they seem to fall in the category above with Halal.  Maybe a kosher meal might be a good compromise since it's they are not too far off from each other and Kosher is stricter. This only works if the Kosher food is not cooked with alcohol.

    Just a thought.


    ETA



    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 


    Just saw this.  If they guarantee the food is Kosher than your FFILs should be okay (again if it's not cooked in alcohol).  

    Have you explained to your FFILs the food is Kosher?  If you have and they are still putting up a fight I think there might be other things going on.  They already eat at non-halal restaurants.  Eating kosher should be okay for them.
    Not necessarily. For ultra-Orthodox Jews, for example, it's not enough for food to be "kosher" that it doesn't contain pork, shellfish, or mixed meat and dairy foods-the foods have to be processed using special procedures that require the supervision of other Orthodox Jews and must be certified by authorities they accept (that can be a whole other bone of contention) as having gone through those procedures. There can be a lot of controversy over whether a particular foodstuff is "kosher" or not.

    Halal might be the same, and these parents might require that.
    Do you not read?  I know exactly what kosher means.

     I specifically said each person has their own definition of what is acceptable.   Of course an Orthodox Jew will not eat at a non-kosher restaurant.  Heck, they might not even eat at a kosher restaurant if it isn't kosher enough for them.      Other Jews will keep kosher at home, but not eating out.   Some will just eat fish and/or vegetarian out because they do not have to deal with the meat/dairy issue (both those can be eaten with either).   In my experience of serving, the definition of kosher can all over the place, based on how strict the individual is. 


    The OP specifically said she has had dinner with her FFIL at non-halal restaurants.  One can assume they are not super strict.   Kosher and Halal are not that far off, with kosher being stricter than Halal.    

    It's a real possibly their already kosher menu will work for her FFILs since they already eat at non-halal restaurants and should be explored as an option.  I
    I read, @lyndausvi. I don't need a snarky reply from you.

    But kosher is not the same as halal. It may not even be stricter than halal, depending on how the FILs interpret "halal."
    umm, never said they were the same.  Although they are similar, with kosher being stricter.

      Specifically said everyone has different interpretations. Some Muslims can/will eat kosher.  The parents have eaten at non-halal restaurants.   It might be an option and should be explored.  The parents might not know it's kosher.  The OP might not have thought to use that angle as a possibility.


    Notice the words "might","possibility", "just a thought".  Never said it was a slam dunk.   Just giving the op some options she might not of thought of for the situation.


    Geez, I think you like to argue to just to argue. 

    Stuck in box.

    No, I don't. Your accusation that I didn't read your post was unnecessary. You think having kosher meals would satisfy them; I simply said "not necessarily" because we don't know what interpretations of "kosher" and "halal" are involved. 

    Disagreeing with you doesn't mean that "I like to argue just to argue" or that I didn't read your post.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Ironring said:
    Said out of ignorance of both halal and kosher....

    Could the level of strictness be proportional to the event for some people? Ie eating at a restaurant has no religious/spiritual meaning and therefor less strict is fine. But a wedding is much more formal and has way more meaning associated with it that it *deserves* a more strict meal? Just a thought that makes logical sense to me and would explain their parents being ok with eating at non halal restaurants but are not ok with it at the wedding. 
    Could be.  It really depends on the individual.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • The venue can do Kosher meals just for them at no extra cost, so yay!

    Unfortunately that's not good enough for the future in laws. They said it's not acceptable. Sigh.
    SP29ei34
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The venue can do Kosher meals just for them at no extra cost, so yay!

    Unfortunately that's not good enough for the future in laws. They said it's not acceptable. Sigh.
    Sounds like it's time for your FI to say "Parents, I understand you're unhappy with the catering now, however when we initially asked you about it you said it would not be a problem, but now you are saying you won't attend. We have tried to come up with a solution for you, but none seem to acceptable. We love you and want you to attend the wedding, we would like to find food that will be acceptable to you, but we will not be changing the catering for the entire reception at this time. We really hope you will attend and we will miss you if you choose not to."
    This. They're really being hurtful if they're going to make a fuss about the catering this close to the wedding and skip the wedding over it.
    charlotte989875poodledoodleooojustsieMesmrEwe
  • It seems they might be testing your boundaries/ their influence. It would be good if you can find an acceptable alternative for them, but I definitely wouldn't be changing the caterer for them at this point.
    SP29ei34
  • Did the venue tell you whether you could have an outside company serve those two meals? 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    The venue can do Kosher meals just for them at no extra cost, so yay!

    Unfortunately that's not good enough for the future in laws. They said it's not acceptable. Sigh.
    I feel like something else is going on here with them.   I find it unreasonable for 2 people (even if they are parents) to try to dictate the food for the entire event when they are not even paying.    You said they were the only Muslims/halal followers.  It's odd they want to test your boundaries like this.   I mean, if that entire side also followed Halal, I would understand a little more.  

    Sorry they sprung this on you.   If they have eaten at non-halal restaurants before it's odd they will not compromise with say a vegetarian meal.  

    Halal and kosher for that matter, have a lot to do with what animals you can eat and how they die.  ie. can't eat an animal that died on their own.   How are they slaughtered (no machines), no bottom feeders like pigs and shellfish. In the case of Halal, can't be cooked in alcohol.    Of course, it's a little more complicated than that, but it's a start.    Fruits and vegetables have little to no restrictions.  So vegetarian meals are often a good options.


    Anyway, I'm sure if you look around there is a Halal restaurant that will do a takeout with the seal much like a kosher restaurant/caterer will do for your FFIL.    Kosher meals are often the exception to the no outside food rule.  I think Halal would fall under the same category.

    Good luck.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusic
  • lyndausvi said:
    It's my understanding that since Kosher is much stricter than Halal, most Muslims can eat Kosher.    

    Now like  Jewish people with Kosher, people have different levels of what is acceptable for their own person believes.     IE.  Some people are kosher light and will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but stick to fish (scales only) or vegetarian meals.   They will not eat meat at a restaurant because it's not kosher.  However, they do not mind the plate might have had meat and dairy at one time.    At home they only eat kosher meats.  Separate meat and diary. Have separate plates, etc.

    Since your FFILs will eat at non-halal restaurants, they seem to fall in the category above with Halal.  Maybe a kosher meal might be a good compromise since it's they are not too far off from each other and Kosher is stricter. This only works if the Kosher food is not cooked with alcohol.

    Just a thought.


    ETA



    The park does guarantee its food is Kosher, but not Halal unfortunately. 


    Just saw this.  If they guarantee the food is Kosher than your FFILs should be okay (again if it's not cooked in alcohol).  

    Have you explained to your FFILs the food is Kosher?  If you have and they are still putting up a fight I think there might be other things going on.  They already eat at non-halal restaurants.  Eating kosher should be okay for them.
    ^^This. I live in a neighbourhood that has a bunch of Halal eateries, but where I went to University, it was a primarily Jewish neighbourhood (3 synagogues and a Jewish school), many of the Muslim students would go to the Jewish delis to grab food because it fit their dietary restrictions. 
    lyndausvi
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