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Wedding Woes

Maybe it's you?

DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I recently moved into his children’s school district. There are many friendly people in this community, but I have had a surprising number of less-than-cordial encounters. I have been introduced to the wife of one of my husband’s associates no fewer than 10 times, but she always acts like she just met me. We were not invited to a graduation party of someone we know very well and who lives around the corner from us. We have attended numerous neighborhood parties where only a few of the people there make conversation. Last fall, the neighborhood planned to move an annual neighborhood picnic and I replied that I wouldn’t be able to attend if the date changed. Not one response. They changed the party anyway.

Someone recently asked me about living in my new community. I said it was nice, but it seemed like people were not all that friendly and I missed my old neighborhood. I realized that the person I was speaking to had a relative on my street and tried to backtrack a bit. But apparently I caused a stir. We have been completely ignored by neighbors at a school concert and we attended a holiday party at which only four people spoke to us. My husband and I are really nice people and have many friends so I don’t need these people in my life, but I’m completely blown away. I’m sorry if I offended anyone. However, if I heard that someone wasn’t feeling welcomed, I’d try to rectify the situation, rather than behave more unfriendly toward them. Do you have suggestions for resolving the situation?

—Not So Neighborly

Re: Maybe it's you?

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Maybe the wife of the H's associate is bad with names and faces. LW is taking this too personally. And really? She expected that they leave a date that was good for everyone else because of her? I'm sorry, but that's asking too much especially if there was a reason they were changing (which I'm assuming there was). Stop badmouthing your neighbors. 

    Just do your own thing. Maintain your friendships elsewhere. Give it some time. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • Does the husband have an ex that lives in the community? Maybe there are some stories floating around that aren't exactly positive. 

    Even if that's the case LW needs to buck up a bit. Keep saying hello, keep participating, keep volunteering, and see how things go. 
    VarunaTTOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Does the husband have an ex that lives in the community? Maybe there are some stories floating around that aren't exactly positive. 

    Even if that's the case LW needs to buck up a bit. Keep saying hello, keep participating, keep volunteering, and see how things go. 
    That's what I'm guessing since they moved into his kid's school district. 
    VarunaTTcharlotte989875
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care or notice any of these things. But I'm also a heartless bitch with a heavy introverted side, so I'd love avoiding the neighbors. 


    image
    charlotte989875baconsmomOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • levioosa said:
    I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care or notice any of these things. But I'm also a heartless bitch with a heavy introverted side, so I'd love avoiding the neighbors. 
    Same. As an INTJ, this shit just baffles me. This is not a problem. Why are you going to parties with your neighbors, anyway? I don't know any of my neighbors' names. I wave to them, they wave back, it's nice. 

    I had like 12 people show up for Catemas this year, and I felt like it was too big a party. Why does everyone have to like you? 
    image
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I have moved around lot.   I found some "established" neighborhoods to be less than inviting to new neighbors.  They are not mean, they are cordial, but they have their little clicks and don't always like to add more to the group.   New neighborhoods tend to be more inviting.

    Of course, this is not a hard fast rule.  Just something I picked up over the years living in many different areas.    

    LW shouldn't take it personally.  Not everyone feels the need to be besties with new neighbors (or any neighbors for that matter).   Not everyone likes gaining new friends.  They have their core group and find with that.



    *** my parents do not know many of their neighbors right now.  They do however get together with some former neighbors.   We moved into a neighborhood 36 years ago.  All but 2 families have moved away (including my parents), most out-of-state.  16 of them still get together all the time.  They meet up in different states, go on vacations together. They all go to each other's kid's weddings.   You can't force these things.  You either click or don't.  NBD if you don't.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875OliveOilsMomcowgirl8238
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When I read this letter I had the same thoughts as Charlotte.  Maybe the Ex talked badly about both of them or at least the LW all over town to anyone who would listen prior to them moving there.  It's like when all we hear are bad things about someone, its hard to see the good.  Perhaps LW just needs to focus on the people who do like her.
    charlotte989875DrillSergeantCatOurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    "I have been introduced to the wife of one of my husband’s associates no fewer than 10 times, but she always acts like she just met me."

    *raises hand*  I'm that person.  It's nothing personal.  I just really suck at names with faces.

    "We have attended numerous neighborhood parties where only a few of the people there make conversation."

    *raises hand again*  I am also this person.  Again, it's nothing personal.  But small talk is exhausting, and I'm not going to go out of my way to be extra social to someone who doesn't seem to be making an effort to mingle.  I'm not going to leave my group of butterflies to flit over to your lonely flower.

    It's not that I'm unfriendly.  It's exactly that I don't want to be neighborly.  Which is why we live in the country, 15 minutes from a town with one traffic light.

    And, out of genuine curiosity, what is LW looking for when she says she isn't feeling welcomed?  Because I do not trot over to the recently sold house on the block and introduce myself, and no one has ever done the same for us.  I feel like the fact that she is on whatever listserv the neighborhood has for community events is welcome in and of itself.

    Maybe LW should get a dog.  With the exception of one neighbor who was putting up a bizarre fence that we just had to know about, every single neighbor I've ever met has been because of a dog, sometimes mine, sometimes theirs.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    OurWildKingdomshort+sassyOliveOilsMomSP29
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    She sounds like she's trying too hard.

    If she has many friends outside of this neighborhood, then who cares if the neighbors include her in their events?  Do shit with your friends and stop going to this community events if you feel like you're getting the cold shoulder.  Seems like a cliquey, gossipy, and petty community; she shared her honest opinion in a tactful way and it got back to her neighbors and they're butthurt?  Or she's assuming it got back to them and she's making much ado about nothing.

    Sounds like the whole neighborhood needs hobbies! ;-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OurWildKingdom
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