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Wedding Woes

"Maybe? Maybe not? I'm happy with it just being me."

Dear Prudence,

I am a happily aromantic woman in my 30s, but I always feel awkward responding to questions about my love life from friends, distant family, and co-workers. If I just say I’m not dating, I hate comments like “Oh, you’ll find someone someday!” Nodding along to that makes me feel like I’m lying. But most people aren’t familiar with the term aromantic, and mentioning it often leads to a longer discussion comparing aromantic and asexual identification. Which then gets into the weird territory of people essentially asking if I like having sex. Should I just get over my distaste and let people think I’m pining away for my “missing half?” Or should I feel a responsibility to educate people about my little-known identification?
—Not Waiting for Love

Re: "Maybe? Maybe not? I'm happy with it just being me."

  • I had to look up what 'aromantic' meant tbh ....
    You could educate people, as it may not be something people are familiar with so they will have questions. I know I would, and more people are familiar with the term 'asexual' also so the commonality makes sense.

    As for the response, whatever LW feels best - simple "Happily single, not interested" should help, with at least knowledge of what you are
    OurWildKingdom
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    To be honest, I had to look up that term too (even though I kinda predicted it).  Can someone tell me the difference between aromantic and asexual?  Google kinda said the same thing too. Are they?

    to be honest, why do people care? I got a TON of that when I was single (for a very long time too).  “We have to find Pam a good man”.  We do?  Why?

    short+sassyMissKittyDangerOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • “Nope, happily single!”
    I think this phrase sums it up perfectly, without potentially throwing the LW into a longer discussion.

    In fact, I would like to see our society start taking more of a cue from @CharmedPam's comment.  I don't know why there is such an assumption that single people want to be paired up with someone and it's "sad/such a shame" if they're not.  I have two single friends who are very happy that way.  They both have an attitude that they wouldn't necessarily mind dating if they ran into the right guy.  But they're not looking for him and he'd have to be confident enough in his own right to understand they'd be complementing each other's lives.  Not being the "stars" of it.
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    STARMOON44OurWildKingdom
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 11
    To be honest, I had to look up that term too (even though I kinda predicted it).  Can someone tell me the difference between aromantic and asexual?  Google kinda said the same thing too. Are they?

    to be honest, why do people care? I got a TON of that when I was single (for a very long time too).  “We have to find Pam a good man”.  We do?  Why?
    I had to think on this for a long time to make it work for me.  I've asked someone who identified as both and they told me it was probably as close as I could get to understanding, so:

    Aromantic is the lack of romantic attraction to another person (I tend to think of it as the brain/heart part).  They will enjoy sex, w/out romance.  I believe this is also usually considered a preference, rather than an identification/orientation.

    Asexual is the lack of physical sexual attractions (I think of this as the body part).  They can enjoy romantic attraction w/out sex, there is a lack of sexual desire.  For some this will mean they don't have sex at all, for some this will mean they'll have sex, but it's not what they're seeking out, ever it's just part of companionship.  This is also a sexual orientation.

    ETA:  Everyday Feminism is a good go to site and they have this:  https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/09/asexual-and-aromantic-matter/

    I'm still not sure if aro is preference vs. identify/orientation, but when I think of the people who've used it, they've usually had an orientation with it.
    OurWildKingdom
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Ok, see, they way you put that @VarunaTT, makes me understand it.  Unlike the interwebs.  Thanks!

    MissKittyDanger
  • Confession: I originally read this as "happily aromatic" and thought it meant that LW was happy being smelly. Whoops! 

    Personally, I say LW does not need to educate these questioners and also does not need to pretend like she is looking for that special someone. If she simply makes it clear that she is very happy with her life and with being single, she may find that people will have nothing to say to that and will back off. I haven't been single in a very long time, but I've found this to be a good strategy with other things (namely, getting people to back off the question of whether I have or will have kids).
    image
    OurWildKingdomVarunaTTshort+sassy
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    We used to say Confirmed Bachelor/Bachelorette depending on the case...  Quite honestly, this was me prior to DH - zero interest whatsoever in anything dating/relationships/etc.  How to answer it is "Happily single and NOT looking!" and bean dip...  
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    short+sassyVarunaTT
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