Dear Prudence,
While my wife of eight years was traveling out of the country, my 14-year-old stepdaughter, with whom I have a close and trusting relationship, told me she had unprotected sex with a boy her age and is worried she might get pregnant. I was honestly shocked. She is definitely not mature enough either physically or mentally to be having sex, but I tried to keep calm and not chastise her, which would only lead to her clamming up. I am really at a loss about what to do here. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell her mom. I’m afraid that if I do, my stepdaughter would hate me and never be able to freely talk about it with either of us. We are quite open about sexual education at home, in the sense that we’ve always tried to tell it like it is and give her as much information as we could so that, when the time comes, she would be better prepared, know the boundaries of consent, and not be afraid to talk to us.
Of course, upon her confession, I reminded her about all the dangers associated with sex, especially at such a young age, and I tried to calm her down as she grew more distressed by telling her that we would love her and be by her side no matter what, even if I was quite disappointed by her behavior. Now the question is: Should I tell her mom about all of this, and if so, how should I approach the subject? I feel it’s such an important event that her mom should definitely be involved. I have tried to persuade my stepdaughter to talk to her directly, to no avail. On the other side, I do not want to break the girl’s trust in me, as it could backfire in the future. I can’t sleep at night because of this. I am concerned for her mental and physical well-being. I really think her mother should be involved, but how?
—Sexually Active Teenager