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Wedding Woes

It's time for you to break up with all of this.

Dear Prudence,

I met both “Teresa” and “Colin” in college. I grew close to both of them in separate friend groups. By the time we were graduating, the two of them were strongly infatuated with each other and began dating not long after. The relationship worried me, as they did not bring out the best in each other. I am ashamed to say I was very vocal about this opinion to everyone but the couple, and they soon stopped talking to me around the time they were married.

Last year, I realized that I had messed up and wrote a long apology to the two of them. I apologized for doubting their relationship, explained that it came from a place of worry, and said that I should have come to them with concerns, not fallen temptation to gossiping instead. They forgave me, and we began to rebuild the friendship.

Last month Teresa confided to me that she was deeply unhappy in her marriage, falling for another man, and taking steps toward a divorce. They are currently living apart. Colin is with his family, several states away, with the purpose of finding better employment, and Teresa is working on cutting him out of her life without telling him first. She has begun splitting the bank accounts and blocking him on social media. She has only told me, claiming she feels comfortable because I would support the split anyway.

While I do agree that a divorce is best for both of them, I know that Colin will be devastated. He supported Teresa through mental breakdowns, lost his previous job because he wanted to care for her when she mentioned feeling suicidal, and moved his whole life to be with her. She will move on easily, as she has already done so emotionally, but this will come as a deep shock to him.

I feel dirty knowing all of this. I feel deeply uncomfortable with the fact that she hasn’t told Colin anything and have encouraged her to communicate her intentions. She says he will lash out and it’s better to have everything in order and then worry about the communication aspect. They are both my friends, and I feel fully stuck.

—Stuck in the Middle With You

Re: It's time for you to break up with all of this.

  • "You are putting me in a position that is not appropriate for me and makes me uncomfortable. "  

    Then I'd issue the ultimatum:  tell him or she'll tell him.   

    You don't tell friends this and you don't do this to your spouse.  She isn't a good person and you can tell her that this is really shitty.  
    MissKittyDanger
  • You may be close with them, but you don’t know what’s going on in their marriage. If she’s not ready to tell him, then you need to respect that. Encourage her to develop a plan to finalize everything but you also don’t need to be involved in the details. 
  • “I’m friends with both of you, and I can’t talk to you about this.”
    short+sassyei34
  • The LW needs to let Teresa know that they are friends with both of them.  That they are very uncomfortable knowing details about the relationship that even Colin doesn't know.

    I'd encourage my friend that the fair thing is to tell Colin what's up; however, I wouldn't do it myself because I wouldn't feel it's my place.

    Though, if Teresa has already blocked Colin on social media, wouldn't he already have a suspicion?  I guess I could think of a couple reasons why he wouldn't be, but that was the one point I am curious about.  Especially since it is evidence that Colin may not be as "in the dark" as the LW thinks he is.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    VarunaTT
  • She's blocking her HUSBAND on social media and making changes to joint accounts? But not telling him she wants a divorce. What is she 12? 
    MissKittyDanger
  • She's blocking her HUSBAND on social media and making changes to joint accounts? But not telling him she wants a divorce. What is she 12? 
    Or she’s a survivor of abuse. Honestly this sounds a lot like what many survivors do in trying to leave. 
  • She's blocking her HUSBAND on social media and making changes to joint accounts? But not telling him she wants a divorce. What is she 12? 
    Or she’s a survivor of abuse. Honestly this sounds a lot like what many survivors do in trying to leave. 
    Interesting concept. Never considered if she has a back history causing this reaction
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