Wedding Woes

It's only been 5 months

Nick and I have been dating for five months. It has been unbelievable, and I have never felt like this before—not even when I married my late husband. Unfortunately, his ex is seven months pregnant. She didn’t bother to tell Nick until someone caught her going out. They had been on and off for years. Nick met me in an “off” period and declined to get back together when she asked. We are all in our mid-30s. Nick is upset. He is angry at his ex, at the situation, and at himself. His own dad pulled a disappearing act when he was a child, and Nick refuses to do that to his own kid. I want to be supportive, but I feel stuck. I can’t have kids. I have dealt with that, and I think I could deal with being a stepmom, but not like this. I feel petty, but I hate the idea of the man I love having a baby with another woman. A woman whom I don’t like and who doesn’t like me much either. This hurts. Nick has begged me to stay and that we will work things out. I don’t think it can. Not even as friends—I told Nick he needs to focus on getting a lawyer and establishing paternity. My sister has told me to come and stay with her. I can change positions pretty easily in my field. Can I leave? Should I leave? I feel like a coward. This is a small town, so there is no avoiding Nick or the situation.
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Re: It's only been 5 months

  • Wait, wait are you living with him already? Or are you considering leaving the town because he’s going to do the right thing and be there for his child? I’m confused. 

    Back to the point, only the LW can decide is she can handle the situation. No shame in walking away if that’s what she wants. Maybe give it some time for the dust to settle and see how you feel. 
    short+sassyei34
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think the kid needs to be born first and have the paternity test taken.  It's possible this is not Nick's kid.  LW also said she loves Nick and hasn't felt like this before, so I think she should stick it out.  If Nick ends up not being the father, this is all a moot point.  If Nick is the father, I think its fine for LW to step back at that time. 

    LW says they would be ok with being a stepmom, but not like this.  Does that mean LW just doesn't want to deal with a newborn?  Because people end up with stepkids because of their SOs previous relationships, so this is usually how its done!
    charlotte989875short+sassyei34MesmrEwe
  • Prudie's advice here is SOOO off the mark.

    LW, figure out where the relationship is going.   You aren't getting a 30 year mortgage with the guy and you'd hardly be the first person to date a guy who isn't with the mother of his kid.   So start to figure things out and talk to him.   If this relationship is worth it then talking to HIM and not Prudie is the answer. 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • I'm a little confused by the letter also.  It sounds like they're already living together.  But then she's talking about ending the relationship and implying she would quit her job and move away, if it came to that?  I guess because it is such a small town and she doesn't want to run into him?  Or maybe it is because her sister lives out of town so, to stay with her, she'd have to quit her job?

    I dunno.  It just seems there are a lot of extremes going on in this letter.

    At any rate, it sounds like this is new information.  I think the LW should give it a little time to settle.  Maybe wait for a DNA test.  But, if it's a dealbreaker for her, it's a dealbreaker.  There is nothing wrong with her making that decision also and she wouldn't be "terrible" or a "coward" for bailing.
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    downtondivacharlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ugh, just move on. LW has so much animosity for Nick's ex, who didn't do anything wrong. She is never going to be able to get along with this mother and child. 

    And the all over the place with 5 months and living together and quitting her job makes it sound like she's pretty unhinged anyway. Not a good addition to Nick and the mom trying to create a new normal for a baby. 
    banana468charlotte989875
  • This is really intense on the part of LW.  I want to feel sympathy for her; I also feel like she's borrowing trouble she might not need to.

    I also don't understand "She didn’t bother to tell Nick until someone caught her going out."  Like...a  7 month pregnant woman was out clubbing?  Or she was hiding at home until then?

    I guess I just have a lot of questions, but I think LW needs to really examine what seems to be a jealousy issue and if she is going to allow that to destroy this relationship with Nick.  And even if she does let it break off her relationship, what is next?  I think she needs some therapy generally, not just in regards to this situation.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    VarunaTT said:
    This is really intense on the part of LW.  I want to feel sympathy for her; I also feel like she's borrowing trouble she might not need to.

    I also don't understand "She didn’t bother to tell Nick until someone caught her going out."  Like...a  7 month pregnant woman was out clubbing?  Or she was hiding at home until then?

    I guess I just have a lot of questions, but I think LW needs to really examine what seems to be a jealousy issue and if she is going to allow that to destroy this relationship with Nick.  And even if she does let it break off her relationship, what is next?  I think she needs some therapy generally, not just in regards to this situation.
    That's the reason I think she has a lot of animosity. It's like she's judging this ex and grasping at straws to come up with a way to paint her as a terrible person. "Look how awful she is, she didn't immediately tell her ex about her pregnancy, but she got caught keeping her personal business to herself."  
    VarunaTTbanana468charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 26
    She knows already that she can't have kids.  It sounds like when confronted with having a (albeit step) kid she realizes she doesn't want kids.  

    Reality check is the paternity test needs to take place once the baby is born because the timing could be anyone's guess depending on the ex-gf.  Also, if the Mom kept it from Nick, there's a distinct possibility she either doesn't know or knows it's not his.  Whether she likes the Mom or not, she's going to have to grow up on a number of levels if she sticks with Nick.  If she decides not to, I can't help but thinking Nick is better for it whether the kid is his or not!
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