Wedding Woes
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What's the question? You're trying not to be a "Karen"?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
edited July 2020 in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I live in a ground-floor apartment in a major city. My bedroom is alongside the street, and, as happens in cities, sometimes people sit in their cars outside my room blasting music. Often the windows in the car are up, but the noise can still travel. This is only really a problem late at night or early in the morning when I’m trying to sleep. I’ve tried ambient noise machines and earplugs, but neither works for me. Usually I just wait for the noise to stop. Sometimes I go out and ask them (politely) to turn it down, and people are generally cool about it.

This Saturday I woke up at 6 a.m. to the sound of loud music. I closed the windows, which didn’t help much, and after an hour I went out and asked the driver to turn it down. She was obviously annoyed, but she did it, and I went back to sleep. I’m a white woman, and the person playing music was Black. I worried about whether approaching her was itself racist or an attempt to control public space. I don’t need validation, but I’d like to critically evaluate how I can best interact with my Black neighbors. Or maybe I’m overthinking it. Was there anything I could have done differently?

—Don’t Want to Be a Busybody

Re: What's the question? You're trying not to be a "Karen"?

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    If it's the decibel level only that makes you frustrated then approaching anyone nicely to ask them to turn it down is the best option.

    The other option is to find an apartment that's not on the ground floor and that isn't street facing. 
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    Ask people to turn it down if you want.  It has nothing to do with race. 

    Side note: do people really just sit in their cars and blare music?  I've never experienced this for longer than like waiting for someone to come outside, or finishing a song before getting out of the car...
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    Casadena said:
    Ask people to turn it down if you want.  It has nothing to do with race. 

    Side note: do people really just sit in their cars and blare music?  I've never experienced this for longer than like waiting for someone to come outside, or finishing a song before getting out of the car...
    Yes, yes they do. Between the house across the street and old neighbors that used to live next door, people would constantly come over, sit in the driveway foreverrrr and just blast the radio. There were also the times that they'd come out and start their car to warm up, leave the radio up loud and go back in the house for 45 minutes before leaving (no joke). And I live on a small street in a little village. 
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    Omg I can’t with this nonsense. You want a pat on the head? Fine. Way to go for politely addressing the situation instead of calling the police. 
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    Omg I can’t with this nonsense. You want a pat on the head? Fine. Way to go for politely addressing the situation instead of calling the police. 
    This. 

    LW didn’t need to mention the woman’s race at all, but sounds like they want congratulations for wondering if their motives were wrong. 

    LW- doing anti-racism work isn’t about whether other people know you’re doing it. It’s about doing it and making changes, without any congratulations. 
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    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
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    Omg I can’t with this nonsense. You want a pat on the head? Fine. Way to go for politely addressing the situation instead of calling the police. 
    I see it differently.  It sounds like she's absolutely done this before, but now questioned it b/c she was a white woman asking a black woman and the ramifications of inherent power imblances and policing in that.  Again, there are a lot of white people who are digging into internalized racism and biases and questioning for the first times in their life.  It's okay to ask question like this of other white people.  Learning has to start somewhere and this is an area that lots of white people have never (b/c of privilege) had to bother worrying about.  So, I'll pat LW on the head and tell her, This isn't a thing, go push your attention over to this thing you're doing.  LW might not have anyone white she feels comfortable in their anti-racist knowledge case to talk to about it or have done enough work to recognize or trust her ability to recognize intent.

    I will say, I wish she hadn't said the black woman was annoyed, b/c that mention when she mentioned everyone else was "cool" is some internal bias.
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    Casadena said:
    Ask people to turn it down if you want.  It has nothing to do with race. 

    Side note: do people really just sit in their cars and blare music?  I've never experienced this for longer than like waiting for someone to come outside, or finishing a song before getting out of the car...
    It happens. Someone at the last apartment complex I lived at did this a lot and it was pretty annoying.

    As for LW, as long as they are calm and don't disparage the person or the type of music they're listening to, I don't see a problem. To me, LW is either overthinking this or trying too hard to look conscious about racial issues. Sometimes annoying noise is just annoying noise.
    image
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    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
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    Casadena said:
    Ask people to turn it down if you want.  It has nothing to do with race. 

    Side note: do people really just sit in their cars and blare music?  I've never experienced this for longer than like waiting for someone to come outside, or finishing a song before getting out of the car...
    Oh, the timing!

    So, the awful tenants that moved out yesterday and I mentioned on today's post?  OMG, yeah.  ALL.THE.TIME.  Or at least their friends that would visit.

    In fact, we happened to go over there once when one of the friends was doing that in the driveway.  And, mind you, this was after the tenant's had been warned specifically about this problem and that they were responsible for their guests' behavior.

    My H walked over to that guy and said something like, "What the hell are you doing?  Turn your music down.  You know it's too loud and that you're disrupting everyone else around here."  While the tenants watched from the doorway, smh.  I pointed to it and told them, "That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about!  None of that is okay or acceptable behavior."

    I don't get it either.  I don't know why someone would want to sit in their car for 2-3 hours.  
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  • Options
    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
    Yeah this is very different in the States; basically people call the police for everything and in many cases it ends up incredibly bad for people of color. We’re over-policed and it’s a huge part of the problems we’re seeing now. 
  • Options
    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
    Yeah this is very different in the States; basically people call the police for everything and in many cases it ends up incredibly bad for people of color. We’re over-policed and it’s a huge part of the problems we’re seeing now. 
    This is exactly the sort of thing that people are calling for in "Defund the police". 

    Instead of spending a gagillion dollars to have a soldier armed to the teeth showing up for noise violations, let's divert some funding and have ordinance enforcement come out and resolve it without anyone getting murdered. 

    Sorry, I saw a trump ad yesterday completely distorting defund the police and I'm still salty about it. 
  • Options
    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
    Yeah this is very different in the States; basically people call the police for everything and in many cases it ends up incredibly bad for people of color. We’re over-policed and it’s a huge part of the problems we’re seeing now. 
    Don't get me wrong, in Canada there are LARGE portions where the police have been called and come and caused WORSE issues.

    I honestly don't know what an alternative in the situation would be because LW has done what they can and needs almost a mediator to help stop people from parking near their window
  • Options
    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
    Yeah this is very different in the States; basically people call the police for everything and in many cases it ends up incredibly bad for people of color. We’re over-policed and it’s a huge part of the problems we’re seeing now. 
    Don't get me wrong, in Canada there are LARGE portions where the police have been called and come and caused WORSE issues.

    I honestly don't know what an alternative in the situation would be because LW has done what they can and needs almost a mediator to help stop people from parking near their window
    The solution she used worked just fine- she asked the person to turn the music down and they did. You can’t rent a ground level apartment and get people to not park by you!
  • Options
    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
    Yeah this is very different in the States; basically people call the police for everything and in many cases it ends up incredibly bad for people of color. We’re over-policed and it’s a huge part of the problems we’re seeing now. 
    Don't get me wrong, in Canada there are LARGE portions where the police have been called and come and caused WORSE issues.

    I honestly don't know what an alternative in the situation would be because LW has done what they can and needs almost a mediator to help stop people from parking near their window
    The solution she used worked just fine- she asked the person to turn the music down and they did. You can’t rent a ground level apartment and get people to not park by you!
    That's my thing.  

    Don't call the cops if it's not a major issue.   If you can get up and just ask them to turn it down then do it.

    And if this is enough of a pattern of behavior you see it as an issue then look into possible options of an apartment on an upper floor and at the rear of a building.  I feel the same way about hotel rooms and want to not be near high traffic areas when I have to travel. 
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    banana468 said:
    Personally I would start looking into bylaw about noise and times. Often people can get call bylaw and have them come to deal with the situation.

    Here they're pretty good but obv that's not a constant everywhere, but it might be worth into looking into what LW could to to stop it in general
    I think all of us who are white women need to re-examine whether we should call and report non-violent issues without trying to resolve them other ways. 
    So here bylaw is not police and they are the calm portion. They basically just go to the area of the situation, assess and deal accordingly.
    They're also the ones who people call for noise complaints - not police.

    Again, this is not same in all locations - which I totally understand.
    Yeah this is very different in the States; basically people call the police for everything and in many cases it ends up incredibly bad for people of color. We’re over-policed and it’s a huge part of the problems we’re seeing now. 
    Don't get me wrong, in Canada there are LARGE portions where the police have been called and come and caused WORSE issues.

    I honestly don't know what an alternative in the situation would be because LW has done what they can and needs almost a mediator to help stop people from parking near their window
    The solution she used worked just fine- she asked the person to turn the music down and they did. You can’t rent a ground level apartment and get people to not park by you!
    That's my thing.  

    Don't call the cops if it's not a major issue.   If you can get up and just ask them to turn it down then do it.

    And if this is enough of a pattern of behavior you see it as an issue then look into possible options of an apartment on an upper floor and at the rear of a building.  I feel the same way about hotel rooms and want to not be near high traffic areas when I have to travel. 
    Yeah exactly. I live in a second floor apartment on a busy road. Sometimes, it is loud! 
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    @CharmedPam Our neighbor across the street has two teenage boys. One of them owns a hyundai tiburon that has this annoyingly loud engine. He also has a friend that has a Honda Civic with the same thing. They loooooove to rev their engines in the driveway and then peel out down the street. Neither of them are that great at driving a stick shift either so it makes it super annoying to listen to them try and drive.
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    I am shocked that this is such a thing apparently!!!  wow. 
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    My brother lived in a condo complex for years, and he said this happened there too! I honestly was shocked. But he said people would sit in their cars for hours on end listening to loud music. 
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    Casadena said:
    I am shocked that this is such a thing apparently!!!  wow. 
    My only guess as to why, or at least sometimes why.  Is teenagers/young adults still living at home and want to get out of the house, even if it is only to the street/driveway.  Or, on a similar thought, someone in the household is sleeping, watching tv, whatever.  So people spill out to hang out in their car and listen to music.

    It's still rude AF if the music is loud, but that's all I got.
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