Wedding Woes

Don't move in together.

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I have been together for six months. We intend to move in together in another three months. She is not out to her family, and it’s starting to wear on me. I don’t want to push her to do something she isn’t ready for, but she regularly sees and talks to them, and they still don’t know. Her mom and sister are aware of our relationship, but she’s worried that the rest (dad, aunts and uncles, grandparents) won’t approve. I totally get that. I didn’t have a great coming-out experience with my family, but now I am completely out and open. It’s tough that our relationship is getting more serious while she still hides who I am to the rest of her family. I don’t want to ask her to come out before she’s ready, but I feel less legitimate as her partner right now. How can I stop feeling insecure about this?

—Moving In, Not Out

Re: Don't move in together.

  • Don’t move in together until you feel comfortable 
  • Don't move in until you are more than her roommate to her dad. 
  • She needs to do this on her own time, but don’t move in together if you’re uncomfortable with how your relationship is working. Moving in will magnify whatever is already there. Give her the space and support she needs, but also recognize what your limits are here. 
  • Those are always tough letters.  Because, while it is 100% a person's choice on who they come out to and when, it can also really put an onus on the other people in their lives.  And, just like it is their choice, it's also an understandable choice for the LW to say, "No, that isn't acceptable for me and I'm not progressing this relationship further until I am no longer a secret."

    Plus, both the mother and sister know.  But now they need to keep a secret from the father!  That's not fair to them either. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This is the part that makes me sad about same gendered couples ... if 2 girls move in, it's assumed they're roomies unless said otherwise
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Being with someone who isn't out sucks. Maybe GF will be ready in 3 months, maybe she'll be ready in 3 years, maybe she'll never do it. All of those are valid. LW can be really sad about it, but they need to be honest about whether they're willing to wait to see which it is. 

    It's fine to have deal breakers. If this is one for you, then it's time to either put the breaks on progressing any further, or move on to the next. 
  • If your girlfriend is not ready to be out to her family, she's not ready to take this next big step in your relationship. While only she can make the decision of when and how to come out to her family, I don't think it's fair to expect you to pretend indefinitely to be her roommate and nothing more.

    Don't pressure your girlfriend into coming out before she feels ready. But I do think you should try to talk to her about your concerns, then decide where to go from there with the relationship. 
  • I've been debating, but honestly, this is just one of those things that each person really does have to decide for themselves.  It's okay for LW to step backwards, it's okay for LW to go forward with boundaries, and LW should really seek something therapy on how to handle their own feelings about the situation with GF.  It's okay for GF to have done what they've done too, though I would also suggest therapy for how to handle their own feelings.

    Families are still scary and hard.  Depending on the family, it can be dangerous as well.  I can't fault GF for protecting themselves and their relationship if GF thinks it's necessary.  Mom and sister don't seem to have encouraged GF to come out either, so there's something there.
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