How 'deep' were the conversations in the past?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Five years ago, my husband and I became uncle and aunt to a wonderful niece. While we love her more than life itself, we’re frustrated that my husband’s parents can do little else but talk about their granddaughter. When she was born, we were all so excited to welcome her. It made sense that we heard about every single milestone in her first two years of life. But now that she’s kindergarten-aged, it’s starting to grate that every topic of conversation always gets rerouted back to her. My husband and I could be discussing work, our own health, the death of a relative, or even just the weather, and my parents-in-law will steer the conversation back to our niece, with the thinnest of justifications.

We do not have children of our own and recognize that we can’t fully understand what it’s like, but we wouldn’t want any of our future children to be the sole subject of conversation either. We love our niece, and we love everyone’s investment in her, but the dynamic makes it difficult to discuss anything important or have deep relationships with them because we know where the conversation will end up.

—Nieces Aren’t Everything

charlotte989875

Have you tried telling them it feels like all your conversations center on your niece? Like actually used your words? I get that it can be frustrating but it’s possible they don’t know how you’re feeling. 

But also the comment of “we wouldn’t want our child to be the sole topic of conversation either” is weird. They’re family, they’re interested in their grandchildren, maybe it’s a little too. It sounds like LW is salty about not being the most important person in the room. 

banana468

Is it possible that these conversations are an effort from the ILs to push you to have kids of your own?  

I don't agree with the approach but wonder if this is the IL's way of trying to get you to want to see how excited they are for the other sibling's kiddo and now want that for you. 

short+sassy

It sounds like the LW and their H haven't even talked to the ILs about this.  That's the first thing they should do.  I get that it is an awkward conversation to have with family, but it can be done nicely and in a "constructive criticism" kind of way.

Jstump2

This sounds similar to the dynamics in my family currently. I am the first and only one to have kids(so far) and my mom is kind of obsessed with my girls. My childless brother did tell my mom to tone it down and he sometimes wanted to talk about other things. From what I know she was a little offended at first (typical of my mom) but has since made an effort to talk about a greater variety of topics.

downtondiva

I understand if LW and husband haven't directly said anything, as I am someone who finds it very hard to directly tell someone something is bothering me. But if they don't feel ready to do that just yet (or ever), I think they at least need to be a little more assertive in steering the conversation back to whatever they were talking about before IL's started talking about niece. 

If they ever do feel like they can be a bit more direct, I don't think it's out of line to tell IL's that switching the subject over to niece in every conversation makes them feel like IL's aren't interested in talking to them or knowing what's going on with them, and it makes them uncomfortable.

ei34

I’d be tired of hearing anyone’s kid (including my own) all the time too.  The H should address this with his family. 

MyNameIsNot

These ILs could be my mother. She adores my sister's kids (as she should), but they can often be her only focus. It's a bit odd when we have dinner with my parents and mom spends 90 minutes talking about kids that aren't even there, but I try to give her a lot of room because she abandoned a lot of her interests to make time to help take care of them and she's trying to fill that void now that they've started school. 

I would really try to chat about the kid for a minute and then gently steer the conversation back to other topics, but have H talk to them if it's getting unbearable. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I worry sometimes if I do this with my sons. I really try to not talk only about the grands and talk about what is going on in my sons' lives, but sometimes it is hard especially if I have recently been to Chicago.  I would probably be hurt if one of them told me they didn't want to hear about the boys but hopefully I would get over it.

missJeanLouise

Sounds like the PIL don't have a lot going on in their own lives and might not have anything else to talk about besides the Granddaughter. Encourage them to pursue different hobbies and then talk to them about that! Or get them riled up about politics, or sports, or celebrity gossip. 

In fact, I recently heard a podcast about the importance of gossip and how it is something we are all missing during the pandemic where everyone is Ssdd. 

charlotte989875

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I worry sometimes if I do this with my sons. I really try to not talk only about the grands and talk about what is going on in my sons' lives, but sometimes it is hard especially if I have recently been to Chicago.  I would probably be hurt if one of them told me they didn't want to hear about the boys but hopefully I would get over it.

I imagine this is exactly how my MIL and my Mom would feel! They spend a lot of time with baby M and they love him. It doesn’t mean they don’t have other interests or hobbies. 

The letter just seems weird that this is such a big thing that the LW felt the need to write to Prudie.

 And if people were discussing the weather I’d much rather hear about my niece. 

mrsconn23

missJeanLouise said:

Sounds like the PIL don't have a lot going on in their own lives and might not have anything else to talk about besides the Granddaughter. Encourage them to pursue different hobbies and then talk to them about that! Or get them riled up about politics, or sports, or celebrity gossip. 

In fact, I recently heard a podcast about the importance of gossip and how it is something we are all missing during the pandemic where everyone is Ssdd. 

YES!  My friendships have been tough to keep up with because we literally have nothing new to tell each other.  The only person I can really gossip with is my local BFF because we're in the same mom group (how we met) and we can gossip about the goings-on of what people post and whatnot. 

But also, yes, the in-laws may not have much else going on.  If they are spending a lot of time supporting the sister/niece, then that's what they're up to and have to talk about.

However, I think a big part of LW is just going to need to get over it.  It sucks, and I totally understand since my FIL is a conversation hog, but there may be no changing it to a level that suits LW's comfort.