It's hard, but stop calling him and set boundaries with the last min requests.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Our son married a woman who is a firm believer in boundaries. Just hers though. We were barely consulted for the wedding but expected to pull out the checkbook. They moved near her family, and we were only allowed to visit twice a year and forced to stay in a motel (she was “uncomfortable” having us in her home overnight). After their twins were born, no one in our family was allowed to visit for two months, but her family was there at the hospital. Trying to have an honest discussion is useless. Our daughter-in-law will stand up and tell us we need “to respect my family’s boundaries or you will not see us,” and leave. Our son apologizes but tells us his wife comes first. Then the silent treatment comes until they need something, usually expecting us to babysit at a moment’s notice.

Our daughter has given up on her brother. She had a small child-free wedding last year. Our daughter-in-law was “insulted” her twins were not part of the ceremony and refused to attend, even though we offered to find a babysitter. Our son declined to come at all. All this breaks our hearts. We love our grandchildren and our son, but having them dangled in front of us and dragged away hurts.  The last straw was our son telling us we were calling him (and him alone) “excessively” and “we” didn’t think this was healthy. Now we are forbidden to call and must wait for when our son and daughter-in-law decide they want to. My wife and I don’t know what to do. Help.

—Not Our Boundaries

STARMOON44

I do not think you are respecting your son’s boundaries and you need to start by doing that. 

mrsconn23

I have a lot of questions about the history of all of this.  However, I have an uncle whom ended up in a similar situation.  He decided his wife's family (and religion) was it and pretty much dropped out of many family events.  I was surprised he showed up for my grandma's funeral (he was also a massive dick to my mom at said funeral and I will never forgive him for it).  Anyway my grandparents always kept the door open to him and his family, but my grandma always said (sadly) that they had to accept his/their choices and that they weren't going to have the same relationship with him or his kids she had with my mom and us.  

Anyway, LW needs to learn to accept that this is their son's choice.  They also need to set their own boundaries, which includes no longer being drop-in childcare. 

banana468

Stop referring to this issue as "our son did this and it's her boundaries".  

He signed on for this so you need to treat them as a unit.  Your wording here starts that your grown adult son is somehow an innocent pawn in all of this and at the same time you're mad that he's telling you to stop. 

Your son is asking for contact on his terms so honor that. 


Something about this isn't quite passing my smell test in all of them.  I generally think something is off if your only sibling has two kids and they're not invited to the wedding.  I also think it's odd to think to think your kids should be in a wedding and I think it's also odd to refuse to attend the wedding of your only sibling. 

I feel like a lot of these people failed the socialization lessons in kindergarten

MyNameIsNot

I feel like this LW could hang out with the one from last week with the daughter she insulted about her wedding dress.

Generally the fact that the sister is also writing brother off tells me that LW isn't the one being unreasonable (or the only one), but blaming everything on the wife is a big red flag. Sounds like everyone in this family kind of sucks. 

charlotte989875

I need way more information but broadly- they’re (and just your DIL, but both of them) being clear with what they want now and you have to decide if you want contact on those terms or no contact at all because it doesn’t sound like this is up for discussion. 

short+sassy

I'm not saying the son/DIL are in the right, but there is definitely some wrong with the LW and her H, even based on her own words.

One thing that especially struck me is two very contradictory statements in the first paragraph:

1) The son/DIL moved near her family.  Far enough away that the LW needs to stay at a motel when they visit.

2)  If statement #1 is true, then how is the LW asked to babysit at a moment's notice?

banana468

short+sassy said:

I'm not saying the son/DIL are in the right, but there is definitely some wrong with the LW and her H, even based on her own words.

One thing that especially struck me is two very contradictory statements in the first paragraph:

1) The son/DIL moved near her family.  Far enough away that the LW needs to stay at a motel when they visit.

2)  If statement #1 is true, then how is the LW asked to babysit at a moment's notice?

I am curious as to what length of time is a moment? 

There's a lot of adversarial behavior happening here and I question what is reality.

missJeanLouise

LW's DIL read DWIL Nation. 

downtondiva

short+sassy said:

I'm not saying the son/DIL are in the right, but there is definitely some wrong with the LW and her H, even based on her own words.

One thing that especially struck me is two very contradictory statements in the first paragraph:

1) The son/DIL moved near her family.  Far enough away that the LW needs to stay at a motel when they visit.

2)  If statement #1 is true, then how is the LW asked to babysit at a moment's notice?

That stood out to me too. 

I think everyone kind of sucks in this one, honestly, though I wouldn't mind having more information. Either way, LW needs to accept that these are the limits her son and DIL have set, but if she really is being asked to babysit at the last minute, she needs to set the boundary that they are not allowed to do that while shutting her out the rest of the time.