Wedding Woes

I'm getting the picture why couples counseling is needed

A few years ago, I persuaded my husband to join me in couples’ therapy to cope with some issues in our relationship. It did not go well. He’s a sweet guy but has little patience with fools and quickly reduced our first therapist to tears. A second also asked us not to come back and, by the third, it was clear this was not going to work. He insists that they were “morons” peddling “hype unsupported by evidence and based in sophomoric reasoning,” which to be fair he supported in his utter demolition of their profession. The thing is, I really want to try again with somebody new. Is it fair to put somebody through what is likely to be a grueling session in which everything they say is tested and in which they are continuously asked to support their arguments with research? How do you find a therapist who can withstand constant probing and can hold their own against a very fierce mind? (I should add that my husband is impeccably polite, generally kind, but extremely rational and unlikely to ever take anything on faith.)

— Unleash the Beast

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Re: I'm getting the picture why couples counseling is needed

  • Sounds like LW may need to do some solo counseling before including spouse.

    I find it funny LW has to mention spouse is kind, polite, etc after saying they reduced a therapist to tears.
    short+sassySTARMOON44
  • I feel like the husband could be my sisters BF.  He really is a nice guy, polite, etc. but is definitely on the spectrum and EXTREMELY literal and rational and unlikely to do well in a situation like therapy without fully understanding the why/how/etc of literally everything they would suggest.  He does that in regular conversation too.  It's exhausting to me personally, but obviously my sister doesn't mind and they have great conversations and are very happy together.  

     I would suggest that OP attend therapy alone first.
    short+sassy
  • Looks like LW’s husband needs a tough as nails therapist.  I’m sure they can get a referral in the industry.  Someone who will take no crap. 

    MissKittyDanger
  • This is a guy who has figured out it's easier to argue to get out of dealing with issues. He's an asshole.
    banana468short+sassylevioosaMyNameIsNot
  • banana468 said:
    "My partner is really nice but is an asshole to wait staff." 

    No, your partner is an asshole. 

    Should any therapy work out it needs to be with someone who will call him out on the BS and defensive tactics that he's playing here.  
    Exactly!  I'm not connecting where he is "nice, impeccably polite, generally kind".  Yet makes one therapist cry.  And had another one drop them as clients.

    I'm actually alarmed for the LW.  I think her H sounds emotionally abusive.  I think she's been emotionally beaten down so much over the years that she doesn't even recognize what a tiring and condescending AH he is anymore.

    FWIW, my H can sometimes be a touch like that.  He doesn't usually get mad, but he won't let a discussion drop or concede a point if he doesn't agree with it.  Or you can't PROVE everything you are saying.  However, we've had calm conversations about things we can both work on if we are fighting.  We're not perfect, but we both make an effort to be better and it's really paid off.

    But that is so often the core of the issue.  BOTH people need to be motivated to improve things.  Her H is going along with her, but it sounds like he doesn't want and/or doesn't approve of counseling.  So he is sabotaging it.
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    Casadena
  • I've never reduced my therapist to tears, but he has discussed with me my...inclination to challenge him with logic if he trips up.  He also told me he can tell I never believe him until the next session when I've had time to think/digest what he said.  However, I also firmly believe in "experts" and using experts in the field you need when the time is right.  If I knew how to handle my damn mental health, I wouldn't need an expert.  My therapist also knew how to handle me.  He talks about "tools" a lot and how I don't have these tools and he's teaching me these tools, but I was smart to know I didn't have those tools and reach out to experts who did.

    Find a therapist with a doctorate?

    I'm curious what the issues are because they're not on the same page, obviously, and that's really the issue.  Have him find the therapist instead if they're on the same page.  Something just doesn't pass the sniff test with this to me.
    Casadenacharlotte989875
  • VarunaTT said:
    I've never reduced my therapist to tears, but he has discussed with me my...inclination to challenge him with logic if he trips up.  He also told me he can tell I never believe him until the next session when I've had time to think/digest what he said.  However, I also firmly believe in "experts" and using experts in the field you need when the time is right.  If I knew how to handle my damn mental health, I wouldn't need an expert.  My therapist also knew how to handle me.  He talks about "tools" a lot and how I don't have these tools and he's teaching me these tools, but I was smart to know I didn't have those tools and reach out to experts who did.

    Find a therapist with a doctorate?

    I'm curious what the issues are because they're not on the same page, obviously, and that's really the issue.  Have him find the therapist instead if they're on the same page.  Something just doesn't pass the sniff test with this to me.
    That’s what I did. I have a doctorate. I knew I needed someone who knew the research specifically on postpartum anxiety and mother-baby bonding. (And I’m having to pay out of pocket for it) but I knew I needed someone but that I wanted someone who would get right to the issue I was dealing with. 
    CasadenaSTARMOON44MesmrEwelevioosa
  • I know of ONE who would have fun with the husband and I'd pay to be a fly on the wall while that problem LW has gets solved!  I say this because he's one of my trainers (6 doctorates, knighted, and a crazy long CV) and a case like that is his specialty and only a few in the industry capable of taking someone like the husband and getting him into compliance (most therapists can't think that far out of the box).  Thing is, it's also about teaching the LW a strategy for the problem in the relationship just as much as the giant gnat in the room in her H.  

    Sadly, the problem LW has will likely fester until LW decides to take off for greener pastures.  And yes, the H very well could be "on spectrum" or simply well studied and the therapists LW is picking out are more moonwalker spectrum instead of scientific spectrum...
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