Wedding Woes

Not the point, but why do y'all text?

Dear Prudence,

​​An ex-boyfriend of mine is a key member of a friendship group that I am on the periphery of. It includes people I get along with very well, and would enjoy spending more time with at group events. But my ex-boyfriend’s wife refuses to accept that sometimes his path might cross with mine. If we attend the same event, she insists that they leave as soon as she realizes I am there. This is noticed by other people, and the upshot is that I am excluded from many gatherings, especially those to which he is seen as having the greater claim (e.g. the memorial dinner for his best friend, who was also a good friend of mine). This seems so unfair to me—particularly given that I’m the one behaving well here and her radar is not entirely off. My ex-boyfriend does still seem to have feelings for me, but I rebuff every overture (I am happily married myself). The usual pattern is that after a few months of very occasional cheerful texts about work and children he crosses a line and tells me how much he cares for me, I shut him down, and then he is silent until something external triggers contact. What can I do? I am tired of being seen as part of a social problem others have to tip-toe around, and of missing events I’d like to go to. I have a phone full of messages that would clearly demonstrate where the problem lies—but I’d blow his marriage apart if I used those.

— I’m Being Punished Because He Behaves Badly

Re: Not the point, but why do y'all text?

  • Yah LW needs to not text him

    Also what is a "key member" of a friendship group?
    I don't understand this.
  • You can stop being part of the problem blocking his number and stopping texting with him. 
    Why on earth is she texting him?? 

    I'm happily married and would not text my ex BF.  This is not passing my smell test. 
  • Sureeee, he’s allll hung up on you and you are just the innocent, happily married party. I’m not sure what exactly I would say if my ex texted me now (I’d be shocked) but it sure wouldn’t be an attempt to keep the conversation going. I was with FI and I still had a mutual friend group for a while after our breakup. I never once felt the need to text my ex. In fact he did text me once in a thinly veiled attempt to meet up and I politely told him to eff off. Lol. 

  • He professed his feelings for you more than once, and you keep talking to him. 

    His wife is not the problem here. 
  • I think LW likes the attention of the ex and is upset when she’s not invited because it means she won’t get an “I care for you” text after. 
  • The LW should spend more time with their own friend group and/or invite the mutual friends out themselves, without an invite to the ex.

    The mutual friends have made their choice.  They'd rather keep the ex's wife comfortable by not inviting the LW.  It's fine and understandable the LW is hurt by that.  But it is the way it is.

    It also might just be YOU, LW.  You're half threatening to show everyone your ex's texts so they can see who the "real" problem is.  And for what?  Because you think that will make the mutual friends choose "you" instead?  It won't.  Especially since you're the one encouraging his flirting.  Maybe they are already sensing what a mean and "off" person you are.

    Stay in your lane before you blow up his marriage and possibly your own!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm not sure what it would prove if she shared the text.  Look hubby - he's totally into me isn't it fine? 

  • I think LW likes that he's still into them. Even though they're married.  I know messy people like this. I was messy like this, when I was late teens/early 20's. 

    Ex's wife has every reason to not want to be around LW.  LW's lucky she doesn't want to be around them since if the wife was feeling a little vindictive, she could be talking to LW's husband. 

  • mrsconn23 said:
    I think LW likes that he's still into them. Even though they're married.  I know messy people like this. I was messy like this, when I was late teens/early 20's. 

    It's an ego stroke.

    Tbh there was a single dude in our group that had a crush on me. It was harmless, we weren't hanging out or texting separately, but he was flirty in group settings.
    M & I had an argument about it because he felt upset about me not shutting it down, and backing off.
    I pushed back saying I wasn't doing anything. He was at our wedding. It wasn't like we were texting or hanging out.

    But, I also wasn't stopping it. Which ultimately I had to create a boundary {untold} and he did abide by it.
    I was to blame then like LW is to blame here. They need to stop it.
  • From the way LW describes the friend group, it sounds a bit more like the ex's friends than theirs.  I think the texting between the LW and ex is inappropriate and it makes sense that they're not invited to every last friendship outing.  
  • Imagine the friend group talking when she's not there.  "John's wife saw that they were texting again.  He said that there's nothing going on but she keeps showing up to these parties.  Why does she do this?" 

    I don't know - I'm more scorched earth with breakups.   I haven't put myself in positions to be with my ex BF. 
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