Why can't he take your name?

Casadena

I am a female doctoral candidate who is recently engaged. I’ve always envisioned keeping my last name, but my fiancé is adamant I take his. I explained to him that all my research is published under my maiden name and that I want my degree to say my last name, not his. He says his parents’ divorce was traumatic for him. Keeping or even hyphenating my last name would be like me having one foot out the door of the marriage. He says this is a deal-breaker for him if I don’t take his name. I’m torn because I love him, but at the same time I’ve worked so hard under my maiden name, I don’t want to be Dr. His Name or have Dr. His Name on my diploma, not to mention I’d lose my connections to my previous publications. But is this a frivolous reason to break up? I love him, but he won’t even allow for hyphenating as a compromise. Or would I just be throwing away a great relationship for the sake of my ego?

levioosa

The name change is just a representation of his real red flag on a lack of compromise. A hyphen is a compromise. Girl, you have worked hard. You earned everything you have. Don’t feel brow beaten into taking his name. Dude needs therapy if he feels so traumatized he’s putting this on you as a deal breaker. FI unprompted told me he was thinking of taking my last name as a hyphen. We didn’t end up doing it and I’m keeping my last name, but I liked that it wasn’t a fight. With my ex it was an argument when I said I think I’d like to keep my maiden name. 

*I have a lot of feelings about women in STEM. 

Casadena

I'm still a little disappointed that I didn't keep my maiden name. I have nothing published or anything and honestly, it's easier with kids to all have the same simple last name. But I would have been livid if H had insisted to the point of being a dealbreaker if I didn't.  That's gross. LW, DTMFA.

banana468

"My mother and father not staying together was so rough on me that I don't care if you lose all professional connection to the work you've been doing for years."  

Why is this not a dealbreaker for YOU LW?!  

"FI, I love you however my name is my name and I'm not going to change it.  If that is going to be something that prevents us from getting married then tell me now so I know that you can't handle this relationship and I'll move on."  

I say this as someone who DID take her H's last name that while he asked if I would it was MY choice.   Someone who puts the last name as deal breaker territory is looking for control and too much of it. 

charlotte989875

Don’t marry him. 

H and I both have doctorates; it’s super common for people in academia to keep their own names. H never once cared what I did with my name. Because it’s my name. 

MissKittyDanger

I don't have doctorate but M & I discussed about last names before we got married.
Does M wish I changed my name? Yes
Did I? No
Does he actually have a say at the end of the day? No because it's my name

LW needs to tell their FI "KThanxBye" with this - FI is waving red flags around like they have no idea what it means

ei34

I can’t imagine the amount of gaslighting LW has received from FI to think she’s being egotistical right now.  Run girl, run!

climbingsingle

Fuck this guy. Don't marry him. 

VarunaTT

I can tell you right now that one reason my exH's family didn't like me because I refused to change my name.  I didn't need a reason, it's my damn name and has been my whole life and I don't want to, that's the reason! Hell got brought into the conversation and I was all, Well, guess what else you're about to hear!! (I'm an atheist for those who don't know, and sometimes get pretty darn anti-theist).

kvruns

I didn't want to change my last name but I did bc stbx was stuck on the idea, and although we never had a serious conversation about it, I think it would have gone down like LW. I know family members would have been wtf about it, mostly just the old school way of thinking (like sending a card to Mrs STBX which I found annoying). That being said I'm not going back to my maiden name, mostly just because I want the ease of matching B. If I didn't have a kid I'd change it back in a heartbeat and refuse to change it if I ever got married again.

CharmedPam

VarunaTT said:

I can tell you right now that one reason my exH's family didn't like me because I refused to change my name.  I didn't need a reason, it's my damn name and has been my whole life and I don't want to, that's the reason! Hell got brought into the conversation and I was all, Well, guess what else you're about to hear!! (I'm an atheist for those who don't know, and sometimes get pretty darn anti-theist).

Not sure if my exH’s family (or even mine) thought anything of it, but we were having problems (not as big as the reveal after the marriage) before and I told him I couldn’t take his last name.  He was disappointed. At the time of getting the license (NY), I told the clerk I was unsure if I was taking his last name and she was like “have to make that choice now”.
So I let them know I was keeping my maiden name.  

Good decision. 

downtondiva

He sounds very controlling and disrespectful. I think you should really consider whether you want to want to marry someone like that. 

I kept my last name when I got married. Husband was 100% supportive. No regrets.

short+sassy

It makes me really sad that this topic is STILL a "dealbreaker" discussion for some people.

If the FI sees having the same last name as some "testament" to their marriage, then he should change his last name to hers.  But I suspect this misogynistic AH would find that even more "outrageous".

Ugh, LW.  Why are you even with this guy?

knottied4d4fd4afacc397f

ei34 said:

I can’t imagine the amount of gaslighting LW has received from FI to think she’s being egotistical right now.  Run girl, run!

Hi

It's concerning to witness someone being manipulated and made to question their own feelings. Trust yourself, prioritize your well-being, and consider removing yourself from toxic situations.

knottied4d4fd4afacc397f

Casadena said:

I'm still a little disappointed that I didn't keep my maiden name. I have nothing published or anything and honestly, it's easier with kids to all have the same simple last name. But I would have been livid if H had insisted to the point of being a dealbreaker if I didn't.  That's gross. LW, DTMFA.

Hi friend

Choosing whether or not to keep your maiden name is a personal decision. It's important to prioritize what feels right for you and your family, without pressure or ultimatums from others