Wedding Woes

I need more info on what kind of clearance we're talking here.

(clearly I'm bored today and looking at Prudies that I find interesting from the last week)

Dear Prudence,

I’m in love with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating nine months, and it’s been going really well. I’m 26 and it just feels like this is who I want to be with my whole life. We’re still obviously in our first year, so a lot of our relationship is experiencing new things—and new conflicts—for the first time. This one has stumped me. He has a security clearance that requires that he not do drugs. When we first started dating, I thought I would also maybe go for a clearance one day, so I had also been drug-free (years ago, I smoked weed pretty regularly). He said that was important to him. Nine months later, I’m completely rethinking my career, and want to start partaking again casually. I was SO excited because I really enjoy it and was just letting him know I would be happy to keep it a “secret” from him so he can remain ignorant for clearance reasons.

I was shocked when he said that smoking was actually a deal-breaker, and if I chose to, he would break up with me. (He previously smoked as well before quitting to get his clearance.) I guess I knew that this was important to him, and in the beginning we were on the same page, but I’m a changing person, and for him to not even be willing to compromise in any way makes me feel resentful. He’s turning it into a “you’re choosing marijuana over our relationship,” but I feel more like my desires are being ignored because he won’t even talk to me about it. I’m worried this is the beginning of a pattern where he asks something of me that I might change my mind on, and instead of it becoming a conversation, it becomes an ultimatum. He says marijuana is the only thing he feels this strongly about. I finally told him that I wouldn’t smoke, but I am so, so resentful and don’t know how to move past this.

—Can’t Smoke My Own Pot

Re: I need more info on what kind of clearance we're talking here.

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I’d be worried about future ultimatums out of the blue too. Maybe have a conversation how it helps medically and LW wont do it infront of him? Maybe suggest edibles if its the smoke that bothers him?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Break up. If you can't not smoke and he sees it as a deal breaker you aren't compatible.
    MesmrEwe
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    While I want to think the BF is being over-dramatic, a bunch of people who were hired into the White House at the start of the Biden admin admitted to previous (like years prior) pot use and then were dismissed because of security clearance issues. They were originally told it wasn't going to be an issue. 

    We have two friends that work in gov't positions and are super paranoid about any drugs, including pot, because of their security clearances.  It was a big ordeal for them when they found out their oldest son used pot. 

    Also if LW knew about this clearance/process because they were thinking about trying to get one themselves, then I'm not sure why they'd be all 'easy breezy, I don't see the problem' about this.  They abstained because they wanted to go through the process.  So I would assume that it's a 'you and your partner/household are sober from drugs' situation.  

    LW does need to choose pot or their relationship. 
    banana468Casadena
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Security clearances are no joke.  I think the chutzpah to think he's out of line when this can jeopardize the rest of his working career shows that the LW and the dude are not meant for each other and LW has A LOT of growing up to do. 
    mrsconn23downtondiva
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think LW is taking a huge leap from “this is endangering his career” to “wahhhh he’s giving me ultimatums.” Truly, what does matter more to you? This relationship, or smoking a bowl? 

    And omg he did not flip the script on you. He expressed at the very beginning how important it was to him. You didn’t take him seriously. 


    image
    mrsconn23banana468STARMOON44
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    levioosa said:
    I think LW is taking a huge leap from “this is endangering his career” to “wahhhh he’s giving me ultimatums.” Truly, what does matter more to you? This relationship, or smoking a bowl? 

    And omg he did not flip the script on you. He expressed at the very beginning how important it was to him. You didn’t take him seriously. 
    Seriously!

    I have said before but I'm married to someone with a secret level clearance and we have friends with top secret.  It comes with the understanding that he can be drug tested at any time and those with top secret can't even do things like pursue dual citizenship with another country.  It makes me wonder if the LW is either living in DC or an area with a lot of government contractors where losing this means you need to shift careers/industries.  This isn't a speeding ticket.

    I'd be far more sympathetic if the use was therapeutic and known from the start but LW now needs to figure out how to grow up and make choices.
    I've got a friend who has top secret patents, and he couldn't even talk to someone who was in the military from another country without having to fill out mountains of paperwork.  The requirements for testing are no joke!  For years I've been under WADA rules, and "Any time any where!" and know people who got 2-year suspensions because they didn't know they needed a TUE for High BP meds they were on and another who wasn't feeling well one day, didn't go to the gym, and the test proctor showed up that day to test him, he wasn't there, which is counted as a failed test!  

    LW loves drugs more than this guy and needs to accept the point they're at and let the guy go...

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