Classic: Y'all have a communication problem.

mrsconn23

I’m a father of two. I work and I’m in a Ph.D. program, but my wife is making it difficult. She’s a fantastic person, but she’s a busy-on-purpose type and absolutely refuses to give me time to finish my dissertation. For example, she makes elaborate meals and gets too exhausted to clean up. She takes a full-on bath with the kids every single night. She plans extravagant weekend activities like planting raspberry bushes, but then gets overwhelmed and needs help. Our baby’s first birthday party went from “lunch and cake with grandma” to an all-day griddle party with potstickers, pancakes, and all of her siblings plus their partners. I have splitting headaches several times a week because I end up working late into the night after dealing with her time vampirism all day. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she gets really upset because she’s doing it for the kids…

MissKittyDanger

Why has LW said anything? It seems like they aren't saying much when spouse plans things.
And I know it's weird, but can't LW just let spouse do whatever when they work on stuff?
"Oh you wanna do xyz this weekend? Sorry I can't help/join"

banana468

I think you need to be clear and to talk to Clark Griswold's wife well in advance and before these things start.  You are also going to need to tell her no.  Be clear that you're not signing on for these extravagant parties and she's not doing it for the kids.  She's doing it because she wants to. 

mrsconn23

LW needs to first speak up.  Why can't they make a family calendar where there are time blocks set aside where LW absolutely cannot be bothered unless it's an earth-shattering, world-ending event?  What about menu planning? 

Also, sounds like wife is trying to fill her time with things because LW is holing up to write said dissertation?  

Furthermore, maybe LW does carve out some time to do projects wife wants done or that need to be done together?  

IDK much about PhD programs, but I know they can be a time suck.  But if you have a family, it sounds like you also need to work on your time management LW as much as your wife needs to stop overdoing projects or whatever.  

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

LW needs to first speak up.  Why can't they make a family calendar where there are time blocks set aside where LW absolutely cannot be bothered unless it's an earth-shattering, world-ending event?  What about menu planning? 

Also, sounds like wife is trying to fill her time with things because LW is holing up to write said dissertation?  

Furthermore, maybe LW does carve out some time to do projects wife wants done or that need to be done together?  

IDK much about PhD programs, but I know they can be a time suck.  But if you have a family, it sounds like you also need to work on your time management LW as much as your wife needs to stop overdoing projects or whatever.  

SIB:

There is a lot to be said for this.  I can't even imagine how much work it is to finish a PhD, especially the dissertation part.  This might be the way the wife is subconsciously forcing him to spend time with her and the kids.

He needs to have firm boundaries and stick to them.  But, at the same time, make sure to have some time set aside for his family also.  Including household and childcare responsibilities.  And communicate all of this to his wife.

My H and I don't have any kids and neither one of us are working on a PhD.  But we have dishes in the sink most of the time, lol.  Take a page from me, LW.  Or anything else that can be put off for another time.  Like planting raspberry bushes.

But don't little kids usually take full-on baths every day?  That part didn't sound weird to me.

Plus, PhD or not, the LW still has responsibilities at home.  It might be "elaborate" meals, but the wife is still the one doing the cooking.  And sounds like handling all the bedtime duties.

It makes me wonder if the wife is really stealing his time.  Or if she's the one actually doing EVERYTHING and expecting him to help.  Because he should.

charlotte989875

A PhD program is not an excuse to abdicate family responsibilities nor can you use it to force your family to put their life on hold for you. And I’m saying that as someone who has a PhD. The dissertation is a lot of work. And working. But you also have a family and a house and those need attention, not all but some, too. 

You need to communicate your needs but listen to hers, too. You don’t get to dominate the family schedule because of your education plans. 

You also need an attitude shift because referring to your wife expecting you to do dishes after she’s taken care of the kids, cooked dinner, and probably a million other things to keep the family together as vampirism is obnoxious and condescending. 

banana468

I feel like there's the truth to both of them somewhere in here.  

But I also say this as someone who thinks the swim in the pool is a good enough bath.

If the wife is really doing what the H is saying with a full on bath every night and an all day 1st birthday party then that's stuff that can be managed down. 

But if the dude's head is in the sand and the reality is that he's not doing anything then yeah - he needs to step it up at home because he didn't abdicate his responsibilities to the house when he started to get his PhD.