It's time to have that honest conversation, even if it's not your family's 'thing'.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have zero interest in kids, and frankly pregnancy freaks me the hell out. I am also queer, but female presenting and 17. I come from a family of five siblings. My older sister just had a baby. Whenever she is over, she is always shoving me to hold or feed or change the baby. She never does it with our brothers. Or heck even her husband. I try to make jokes and laugh it off, like calling the baby “hot potato” when she hands them to me and passing them to someone else. This irritates my sister. She constantly complains about how I will not help her out like I am “supposed to.” Last time this happened, we had a serious fight when I pointed out her husband, the literal father of her child, was downstairs gaming with our brothers while I had school work. Maybe get him to help?

I love my sister. She took it very hard when our mom died and our dad remarried four years ago. She doesn’t get along with our stepmother (I do because she basically leaves me alone). I understand she is overwhelmed but not why she fixates on me when we have never been close (she is seven years older than me). I have offered to come over and clean for her—even the bathrooms. That isn’t enough. I don’t know what to do. Honest conversations are not a thing in our family. Please help.

— Not the Baby

banana468

You need to have an honest conversation with your sister on two levels:
1) It is not your job and you aren't "supposed to" help your sister with her child - especially not when the answer is that the H is gaming.  That makes me really question the gender roles that exist.  That's not really for the LW to say but I would be clear that "I understand that this is a role you feel comfortable assuming but please do not feel that you're in the position to say that's my job too.  It is not a role that I intend to assume"

2) Be clear to your sister that you absolutely want to help her in other ways.  Heck -when I had my kiddo I would have loved if someone wanted to do other chores for me.

short+sassy

If I offer to hold and watch the sister's baby, will the LW clean my bathroom?

Seriously though, the LW does need to have a clear conversation with and set boundaries with her sister.

charlotte989875

Even if honest conversations aren’t a thing you can make them a thing. Does it suck it’s up to a 17 year old to do that? Yes. 

Talk to your sister.  Not when the baby is crying and she hasn’t slept for days, but try and find a few minutes to tell her you love her, and your new baby niece/nephew but you’re not interested in hands on help with them. Offer to clean the bathroom or get groceries or literally anything else but you won’t be changing diapers or feeding or holding the baby. 

You’re not a parent and you don’t need to be doing the responsibility of one. But if you’re uncomfortable you do need to speak up 

banana468

And I'll add - the speaking up needs to be in a way that doesn't insult the BIL even though it's tempting.  

mrsconn23

I think it's awfully presumptuous of sister to think LW wants to feed or change the baby.  I liked little babies as a teen/young adult, but if they started crying or had full pants, back to their parent(s) they went.  Shit, I'm that way now.  I'll hold your baby until they fuss and then you figure it out.  LOL  

But LW needs to find a way to put up their boundaries with sister without blaming anyone else in the situation.  Lots of "I" statements. 

I do find it interesting that LW brought up their mother's death as a reason their sister is acting this way.  I can't imagine how it does feel to have a tiny baby without your mom being around and I can see how this is a grief thing.  But trying to foist a bond on your only femme sibling and your baby and expecting that sibling to play the defacto supportive female/aunt role isn't the way.  

Dad needs a kick in the nards for going off to play video games and being 'unavailable' to assist.