Don't ask, just leave.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I love my husband dearly and he’s a kind, generous man. An old friend of his, “Marc” is going through a nasty divorce (he cheated for years) and has lost all of his friends who are siding with his wife—except for my husband. Marc has a history of depression and losing jobs so understandably my hubbie is concerned for Marc’s well-being. Because we are the only friends left, Marc is now spending more time with us—the occasional weekend at our home. Problem is, Marc is sexist, is a Jordan Peterson fan, and thinks the role of women is to look after men. I am not afraid to voice my disagreement and our last dinner turned into a one-hour heated debate. My husband, uncomfortable with conflict, left the room and cleaned the kitchen. After Marc left, I told my husband while I appreciate his concern for Marc’s well-being, I couldn’t stand any more time with Marc and if he planned on visiting again, I was going away for the weekend.

My husband’s response was a face of pained regret and the statement that Marc is of a different generation and wasn’t going to change (I’m in my late-40s, hubbie late-50s, and Marc 60-ish). From past conversations, my husband has expressed surprise at how triggered I can get over feminist issues. Am I being unreasonable stating that I’m leaving the next time Marc shows up? Or should I take a stronger stance about Marc’s visitation rights given this is my house too? Or should I expect my husband to come to my defense and set some boundaries with Marc re: appropriate dinner conversation? (Oh, the irony on that last one, I know.)

—Feminist Killjoy

CharmedPam

Why can’t H can hang out with Marc somewhere else?

VarunaTT

IT IS 2023.

It's fine that husband thinks Marc won't change, no one has to give a shit about Marc who seems to be a not-so-lovely piece of work. 

What is not fine is that husband is okay with letting someone into your shared space that is insulting you.  That's a therapy moment at a minimum.

charlotte989875

Why is your husband more worried about how Mark is doing than how you’re treated in your own home? 

banana468

I think I'd reach the point where he's probably not welcome.

There's a point IMO where an opposing viewpoint where your actual existence is subservient to someone else is where I end it.  I think you're giving too much leeway by leaving and still letting him in your house.  

And maybe, just MAYBE the reason Marc has no friends is because of his constant frequent treatment to women and if your H isn't seeing that just because Marc isn't cheating on you he's still being disrespectful, it's time for a bigger conversation with the H. 

downtondiva

If your husband feels that much of a responsibility to Marc, they can spend time together away from the house. I don't see why Marc always has to spend entire weekends at your house or why this friendship has to involve you at all.

mrsconn23

DH has a 'friend' like Marc who, blessedly, lives all the way across the country.  He's aware of this guy's warts and all, but they're still friends.  This guy texts DH way more than DH texts him, and they may talk on the phone 2x a year and it's always an hours long conversation.  He is the worst houseguest I've ever had.  If he is serious about coming here ever again, I will have to put the hammer down on hosting him (it's doubtful though because he was only coming back to spend time with his now adult son).  

If DH's friend lived here, it would definitely be a situation where I'd expect them to spend their time together away from the house as much as possible.  I could host him, like, once every 3-4 times. 

Anyway, I agree that LW has a husband problem since he's being avoidant and then all, "OMG, I can't believe being a fully realized autonomous person is important to you!".  But I don't think they need 'permission' to leave if Marc is there, I'd just start doing it.  However, LW's DH's defense of Marc is pathetic and raises more concern for me than anything Marc is saying/doing. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

DH has a 'friend' like Marc who, blessedly, lives all the way across the country.  He's aware of this guy's warts and all, but they're still friends.  This guy texts DH way more than DH texts him, and they may talk on the phone 2x a year and it's always an hours long conversation.  He is the worst houseguest I've ever had.  If he is serious about coming here ever again, I will have to put the hammer down on hosting him (it's doubtful though because he was only coming back to spend time with his now adult son).  

If DH's friend lived here, it would definitely be a situation where I'd expect them to spend their time together away from the house as much as possible.  I could host him, like, once every 3-4 times. 

Anyway, I agree that LW has a husband problem since he's being avoidant and then all, "OMG, I can't believe being a fully realized autonomous person is important to you!".  But I don't think they need 'permission' to leave if Marc is there, I'd just start doing it.  However, LW's DH's defense of Marc is pathetic and raises more concern for me than anything Marc is saying/doing. 

Yeah I'm getting the vibes that the DH is also misogynistic if he's in a zone of "I don't know why you let this guy upset you so much." 

Dude - if you felt like you had to defend your right to be a human being with the same rights as the opposite sex frequently and then IN YOUR OWN HOME you too would be upset.  That he doesn't see this is the underlying issue that he's lacking the understanding and empathy.  

short+sassy

I have news for the H.  Who is the same age as my H and within 10 years of Marc.  I know lots of people in their 60s and much older who aren't sexist and don't treat women like their second-class citizens.  And who would kick their friend out of their house themselves, if their wife was treated with such disrespect.

levioosa

Let me cry a freaking river for poor sad alone Marc. Gtfo dude. You’re alone because you deserve to be alone and I’m honestly concerned that LWs husband is the only one who did side with Marc and who puts up with these debates. “Honey I don’t understand why being told your station at life is at the foot of your husband is so concerning to you.” What? Husband and Marc can ride off into the sunset together. 

MyNameIsNot

New rule: Marc is no longer allowed in your house. Your husband can go to Marc or go out if he wants to hang out with the douche. 

But this generation thing is complete shit, and you should be asking yourself why you're married to someone who tolerates this kind of talk. 

ILoveBeachMusic

short+sassy said:

I have news for the H.  Who is the same age as my H and within 10 years of Marc.  I know lots of people in their 60s and much older who aren't sexist and don't treat women like their second-class citizens.  And who would kick their friend out of their house themselves, if their wife was treated with such disrespect.

I was thinking the same thing! I am in 62, my husband is 68 and most of our friends are our age or older. None of them are like this.