Dear Prudence,
My brother, Greg, is over a decade younger than me, born during my absent father’s second marriage. We were raised in different states, but I looked in on him during the early days of COVID and found that he was busy producing right wing social media content about COVID conspiracies and racist ideas. Greg and I recently reconnected over a few visits home while my grandmother was dying. I was very closed off to him at first, but to my surprise he admitted that he used to just repeat everything his conservative stepdad said and just wanted to get attention on the internet by being inflammatory. It was a level of self-awareness I’ve never heard from someone with those views, and it made me curious about whether a reconciliation would be possible. But given that he mostly just rolled his eyes at his younger self, I’m not sure he’s had a true change of heart.
Greg is getting married next year and asked if I would attend and help with the wedding (I’m in the industry). My gut says there’s no way I want to block off a valuable summer weekend, pay for a flight, and also do actual work for this person—but I’m torn on whether I should just say I’m busy or if I should explain why I won’t be attending. They haven’t set a date yet, and it’s going to be pretty small and casual, so he suggested they could work with my schedule as the only out-of-town guest. I really just don’t want to go, but I wasn’t prepared to maybe have to take a stand about something that seems to be actively cooling off. If we were peers, it would be an easy decision to not spend time with a racist, but as the much older sibling I feel some pangs of guilt for not being around to guide him. Our father abandoned both of us, and I feel like I abandoned him too, even though I was just a kid too for half his life. What do you think?
—What Do I Owe?