Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend is a very small, pretty, androgynous-looking guy. Even as a kid in a school uniform and a crew cut, people sometimes asked him if he was a girl. He grew up outside of the U.S. in a moderately homophobic environment. No violence but lots of bullying. His parents are very religious and were also not happy with him. I grew up in the U.S. and am very masc-looking and saw plenty of homophobic violence and behavior growing up. I only faced teasing, probably because I look like what people expect straight boys and men to look like. I’m fine, but upstate New York in the 2000s definitely left an impression. I’m overall straight-passing still and don’t face much risk.
As adults, we live in a very queer-friendly city and it’s mostly fine. Professionally both of us work in fields not known for progressiveness and we handle it very differently. That’s OK but we have really different boundaries when it comes to things like acquaintances and travel. He shrugs off very homophobic comments and Trump flags and finds trips to Tampa completely OK. He often states, “It’s the U.S., nothing can really happen.” Meanwhile, I don’t want to even hang out at a party if someone who called me a F-word is going to be there. I’m usually a lot safer in those situations than he is because of appearances but somehow I’m the more cautious one. We’re trying to blend friend groups and plan travel at the two-year mark in our relationship and there’s so much conflict. What do I do about this?
—Different