Dear Prudence,
I am a guy, and my boyfriend of three years is wonderful. I love him so much and want to spend my life with him. We are compatible in our beliefs and values, and even on things we disagree on, we remain respectful and work to find solutions rather than dwelling on problems. His presence alone is enough to relax me on my most stressful days without even saying a word. We’ve been talking about marriage, and we have been living together for a year, and I want to run full ahead into this next chapter of our life.
But there’s one problem. He won’t kiss me! When we had our first few dates and he didn’t make a move to kiss me, I thought it was a cute and gentlemanly thing to do and that he might be old-fashioned like that. Skip forward some months into our relationship and when he still hadn’t made a move to kiss me, I decided to make the move. He recoiled and immediately apologized saying that he had issues with “mouth stuff” and that he could not do kissing or other oral stuff. At the time, he seemed so frazzled and sincere that I told him it was ok and that it wasn’t a problem without really thinking about it. I asked his sister about this years into the relationship, and she nodded and said “that makes sense.” She then went on to explain he’s always been weird about his mouth and recalled the constant struggle of their mother to get him to brush his teeth (don’t worry, he brushes his teeth on his own now but he looks on the verge of tears every time he does it). He won’t even kiss people on the cheek or let them kiss him. Their childhood doctor had recommended seeing a therapist, but their mother hadn’t been able to afford it when they were younger.
Well, three years into this relationship, and I think it is a problem: I’ve now gone three years without a romantic kiss. I once tried to sneak a kiss to show him it wasn’t as bad as he thought, and he threw up. On the surface it isn’t that bad; honestly, I don’t think about it constantly like something I’d die without. But from time to time, I find myself wanting to kiss my boyfriend. I’ve thought about bringing up going to therapy about it, but it feels like I’d be doing that only for selfish reasons. He seems to have no desire to change this aspect of his life. I don’t know if this is a deal-breaker, but I know it’s something I’m going to miss, and I feel uneasy picturing a future without ever kissing my future husband. How can I bring up that he should see a therapist about it without it sounding like an ultimatum? Is this even a thing that a therapist would be able to help with? I honestly haven’t ever heard of anyone else going through this. And if not, any tips for a marriage without kisses?
—My Boyfriend Won’t Kiss Me