You don't have to give them to Max right away.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My MIL’s (“Blanche”) gift-giving is a growing problem between me and my husband “Liam.” His parents live overseas, so they don’t get to see our 4-year-old son “Max” more than once a year (he is one of their six grandchildren and four great-grandchildren, all of whom live near them). There is a constant stream of parcels with toys, candy, chocolate and clothes that arrive at our house about every two months. As a result, we have an obscene mountain of toys in the basement that are rarely played with and Max has developed an unhealthy expectation about getting new stuff all the time (which I firmly believe is directly linked to the gift river flooding our house). Dudley Dursley would be an exaggerated comparison, but it seems like that’s where we’re heading. I try and model receiving gifts with gratitude and make sure Max chooses and gives gifts for others, but it feels futile.

My MIL and I don’t have a relationship where I can vocalize this kind of concern. The last time there was a very minor issue, she got emotional and spent the night moping in the basement. I have had several calm discussions with Liam about Max’s behavior and my concern with the mess in the basement, but he doesn’t think there is a problem. He says “all kids are spoiled.” His other argument is that Blanche never sees Max. In my opinion, they choose not to visit more often. They could, but they don’t. At my insistence, Liam finally asked Blanche to stop sending toys other than at his birthday and Christmas. She stopped for a little while, but started back up again. She says “it’s just a few things.” They add up, Prudence! And I’m the one who will inevitably have to deal with them all through donating, reselling, or throwing away—none of which I love.

I know I probably sound ungrateful, but Max plays with the toys for a little while until they are “old” and then he wants something new. I feel experiences or visits with his grandparents would be more valuable for Max. The parcels are projects disguised as gifts. Liam films Max excitedly opening the parcels and sends the videos to Blanche. She wants and expects to see him open everything, so I don’t think holding the toys back for a special occasion is an option. It would be fine if she sent parcels a couple times a year, but it’s all the time! Should I just suck it up and let Blanche spoil Max? Or can I ask Liam to set a firmer boundary?

—No Gifts

levioosa

Can you ask grandparents for more "experiences" than outright physical gifts? Days at the museums, a class for a musical instrument, etc? 

banana468

Can you phase the gifts in?  Put them away and phase them in and out? 

You sound ungrateful because you're not on the same page as your H and you're forcing your child to have your opinion.  This is not a situation that will make sense or last when your partner is not backing you up.  Is the basement situation not workable?  Is there no storage available?  Can you look at what he's not using and do an annual purge before major events?  There are solutions here rather than painting your MIL as some awful person who sends presents. 

mrsconn23

Max is 4.  He has no idea when the mail comes.  You have to own that you created some of this by handing over the stuff as soon as it shows up.  

Liam *can* tell his mom "We got your gift, but he's still enjoying what you sent last week/month/whatever, so we're going to hold on to this a little longer before giving him something new."   Also, since this is coming from Liam's side of the family, HE can teach your son how to donate things he no longer uses/plays with/wears/etc.  If he won't, then it's a husband problem.

She is doing this because she's trying to connect with her far away grandchild.  She clearly doesn't want to be a stranger to him and wants him to see her as a happy, loving grandma.  Sure it feels overboard, but it's coming from a place of wanting connection and to not be 'forgotten' or viewed as a stranger.  

Also, you can course-correct now with Max. Will there be fits and struggle?  Sure.  He's FOUR.  That will come no matter what.  He's also not going to be ruined for life because of an over-indulgent grandma. 

short+sassy

I agree with you all on waiting with the opening presents.  I like @mrsconn23's comment on what to say to the MIL that is expecting present opening videos.

Do they FT with these IL's on a regular basis?  If not, that would be a great way for the grandparents to feel more connected to Max and the gift giving might slow down.

But I'm also majorly side-eying the LW's attitude that the grandparents should visit more often, ie "they could, but they don't".  I assume that comment means they have the money and time to visit more often.  But then if they wanted to, they would.  Traveling and being away from home can be a hassle.  Maybe they only have it in them to do that once a year.

charlotte989875

Okay M is 3.5 and has too much stuff. So we rotate toys in and out of the basement. He gets bored of done, we put them away for a few weeks and we get them back out and he’s excited again. This is basic parenting, no?

If you really don’t want these gifts talk to your husband. Ask him to talk to her about cutting back on the gifts. But this seems like grandparents feeling guilty and sad they don’t see your son more and are trying to make up with it with presents. Not great but is this worth alienating grandparents that care?