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You criticized and judged her. She doesn't need that kind of 'help'.

Dear Prudence,

My cousin and I used to be close as sisters until she started dating “Dan.” Dan was 12 years older than us, barely employed, and already had two kids with two different women. My cousin had a full ride to college. She gave it all up when Dan got her pregnant. I told her bluntly that going through with the pregnancy was a bad idea. She was 20 with her future in front of her, and Dan was a loser who already proved to be a bad dad. My cousin cut me out of her life—I just didn’t understand their love. Now, I understand that my cousin is miserable. She is 24 with two babies and still is the primary breadwinner. She hates leaving the kids with her mother (my aunt is a difficult woman). She hates Dan’s exes and his kids. She still refuses to leave Dan. I hear all this through the family grapevine. The few times I have reached out to my cousin personally, she has slapped my hand away. I love her and miss her. I want to help but it feels pointless for me to even try now. Is there anything I can do, or do I just mourn our relationship and move on?

—Missing Her

Re: You criticized and judged her. She doesn't need that kind of 'help'.

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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    LW you said the quiet part out loud.  Your cousin sees you and judgement every time you open your mouth. 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    You said relationship-ending shit to your cousin.  She will never not think about what you said and wonder if you still believe it.   It sucks that you were proven correct about her situation, but the last thing she wants or needs is someone with your energy.  You can't accept her situation, and that's totally understandable, but she's clearly still in the middle of it and you're not the one for her at the moment. 
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    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You mourn and move on. 


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    Back then, I would have encouraged her not to give up her scholarship with the "pros" for keeping it despite the difficulties.  Like do whatever you have to do to finish, so she could set herself and baby up for a better future.  But one conversation and accept her decision.  Maybe that would have blown the relationship up also.  But I couldn't watch someone I cared about making a huge mistake and not at least given some other food for thought.

    But now it's too late.  The cousin ended their relationship and has continued to rebuff the LW's efforts.  It doesn't matter how much the LW wishes things were different.  Their friendship is over and she needs to stop trying to get in touch with her cousin.  If the cousin changes her mind, I'm sure she knows the LW would be open to it and can get in touch with her.
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    You don't want to help her. You want to say "I told you so." Just let her be. 
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You don't want to help her. You want to say "I told you so." Just let her be. 
    And even if the LW is "right" that the cousin made some mistakes, I guarantee that the cousin is already guarded and fully aware that they're not in a great place. 
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