Dear Prudence,
I work with kids and love children. My husband also loves kids. We’d both like to have our own. But we’re not currently planning on it unless we suddenly make a lot more money. We’re barely past paycheck-to-paycheck life. Inheritable intellectual disabilities run through a lot of my family, and autism runs through his. We could maybe afford an average kid, but medical complications or special care would be impossible. So we know we’re not ready because you love and raise and care for the child that’s born, which is unpredictable. It hurts that we can’t afford a family and we’re saving and hoping to change that but right now, it’s not in the cards. I’ve watched my sister and cousin’s needs outlast family resources and wear out two marriages. My family doesn’t pry about plans because all my relatives know this is a hard topic.
My mother-in-law is a different story. She pushes and pushes and pushes, and when my husband told her that we couldn’t afford a kid with special needs, she brushed it off as unlikely and pointed out that his brother is doing fine. His brother has autism with low support needs and lives independently. But he wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood and was a deeply depressed kid with pediatric suicide attempts. Plus, autism has many different forms: My husband also has two cousins who require lifetime basic needs care. So even if her argument was correct, she’s wrong. It hurts that kids aren’t currently in the cards for us, and it hurts more that she brings it up a lot. Bluntly saying no hasn’t stopped the topic.
—Maybe Not a Mom