You've based your entire ethos on a (checks notes) movie?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.

My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.

I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?

—Harry Burns

VarunaTT

"My mail order wife won't accept the rules under which I bought her", is what this sounds like.

CharmedPam

Did LW have male friends before they met and got married?   I’ll be honest, I’m skeptical about a spouse suddenly getting a friend of the opposite sex out of nowhere but I’m also at a trust level zero with anyone I’m dating because of my experiences and what I see.
edit; playing devils advocate- your spouse could also be intimate with the same sex.

banana468

You're basing your entire premise on a movie from 35 years ago on which the premise is based that Harry was an arrogant jerk who screwed half of the tri state area in the wake of his divorce while befriending a person??    

Or do you also think that you need to read the last page of a book so you know how it ends in case you die before you finish it? 

I love that movie but what makes it lovable is that Harry was a complete jerk who turned his life around and didn't shy away from love and Sally called him out time and again on his arrogant BS by which he was undone.

It's TWO people.

And if you believe that you can control (checks notes) your wife's social life as the "one tiny thing" you're at like....levels of Harry before he had his duffel and hopped in the station wagon. 

CharmedPam

I’m gonna admit that I never saw the movie. 

banana468

CharmedPam said:

I’m gonna admit that I never saw the movie. 

I've seen it...a lot. 

ei34

I haven’t seen it and don’t have to see it to let LW know that’s he’s a walking red flag. I hope his wife doesn’t feel trapped/isn’t trapped. What an insecure loser.

MyNameIsNot

Please tell me Prudie read him the riot act. 

You're a piece of shit, LW and I hope your wife escapes from you quickly. 

short+sassy

What an idiot.  Most people have platonic friends of the opposite sex.  That premise of the movie isn't something you believe in or don't believe in.  It exists.

Apparently it's not a deal breaker for him or he wouldn't have dated, much less married his wife.

But it would be for me.  If a guy had told me on a date that I couldn't have male friends because it could never be platonic, I would have picked up my Shake Shack double cheeseburger and left.

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

What an idiot.  Most people have platonic friends of the opposite sex.  That premise of the movie isn't something you believe in or don't believe in.  It exists.

Apparently it's not a deal breaker for him or he wouldn't have dated, much less married his wife.

But it would be for me.  If a guy had told me on a date that I couldn't have male friends because it could never be platonic, I would have picked up my Shake Shack double cheeseburger and left.

I think Varuna is on to something with the mail order bride. He sounds like he told her before they got married that he didn't think men and women could be friends, and he thinks that means she should tailor her life around his edict.

It doesn't sound like the typical dating situation where two people are on level ground figuring out if they are compatible. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

short+sassy said:

What an idiot.  Most people have platonic friends of the opposite sex.  That premise of the movie isn't something you believe in or don't believe in.  It exists.

Apparently it's not a deal breaker for him or he wouldn't have dated, much less married his wife.

But it would be for me.  If a guy had told me on a date that I couldn't have male friends because it could never be platonic, I would have picked up my Shake Shack double cheeseburger and left.

I think Varuna is on to something with the mail order bride. He sounds like he told her before they got married that he didn't think men and women could be friends, and he thinks that means she should tailor her life around his edict.

It doesn't sound like the typical dating situation where two people are on level ground figuring out if they are compatible. 

And in the other aspect of WHMS, Sally is well-read and intelligent.  So this dude is clearly picking and choosing the aspects of the movie and then attempting to act as the authority figure in the relationship.

If he also paid attention it's the dude who nearly screws the entire thing over.