Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. I love him very much, and have always believed “in sickness and in health.” We have two kids together. He hates the doctor and every year I have to schedule and push his yearly checkups like I do for our children. Last year, he discovered he’d developed a progressive illness. He kept this fact from me for months while I worried more and more about strange changes to his health and behavior. I found out on our third emergency room trip in one month. They urged him to visit a specialist but he lives in denial. We have good insurance, and I make decent money. He also works, and his parents are financially generous to him. With aggressive therapy and treatment, he could have a good life and be an involved dad. It would be a different life, but he would still be independent and do things he enjoys for decades. I recognize this is a huge painful change for him, but I’m angry and out of patience.
Early intervention is key but he refuses to do any more than minimal pain management. No full workup, no specialists, no acknowledgment that things are changing. He refused individual or couples therapy. He’s known about his illness for 14 months, and I’ve known about it for eight. I feel trapped and I’m seriously considering divorce. How do I get this through to him? In my perfect world, he’d get treatment, and maybe therapy to deal with the changes. He’d live for a long time, we’d see our kids grow up together, and we’d hire help for him when we needed it. In this world, his illness is progressing. He’s secretive. He’s extra short-tempered with me and our kids. Any caregiving I do for him, at his request, angers him. To leave a sick spouse feels wrong. But he’s like a drowning man being offered a life ring and is pulling me down instead. I know that without me his parents would make sure he was supported although they haven’t had any more luck pushing medical care than I have. Is it OK to leave?