Treat when you can, dont' stress

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I am a young woman in college. I spent the first half of my childhood in poverty, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I ended up in my father’s custody. He is wealthy, stable, and has enjoyed a lucrative career. Consequently, he has provided me with a life of privilege: I don’t have to pay for school, he bought me a place to live, and he gives me a generous monthly allowance. Since I’m in the clear, I would like to occasionally use this wealth to help my friends.

I do try to pay for food when we all go out together (sometimes people want to split the bill), but when I hear friends of mine panicking about possibly going to part-time status (which will reduce their financial aid) because they need more money for this or that necessity, I want to help! I haven’t forgotten what it was like to have expired food in the pantry, for the power to get turned off, or worrying about getting evicted. But two issues arise out of this.

Number one: I don’t want to create a power imbalance. When people want to split the bill, I back down and split the bill because I don’t want anyone feeling indebted to me. Any gift of money I’ve ever given has been and always will be without any strings attached, but I understand that’s not an easy thing to trust. Number two: I’m ashamed to admit that I’m scared of becoming less of a friend and more of a bank. What if my friendships cease to be meaningful, and I become just a resource? One of the reasons I’m not forthright with people about my situation at the beginning is that I want a friendship to develop organically. Is there any way to offer help without jeopardizing the integrity of my friendships, one way or the other?

banana468

Why not suggest doing things that are also lower cost?  

I realize this is a tricky situation too.  It's also common for college kids to not have money so maybe start to also look into ways that friends can find financial help without being the help?

VarunaTT

Start donating to some organization at the college or something, to share your wealth and bounty, without making it weird.  Don't start offering money up to friends or anything close like that.  

short+sassy

For friends they know are having an especially hard time, I feel occasionally offering to treat them to a meal or paying for the first round is a normal thing to do.  As long as the LW keeps it once in a while, it shouldn't lead to a power imbalance or cause people to start treating them more like a piggy bank.

Definitely no offering them money/loans.

Two of the women in my sorority during college came from very wealthy families.  They didn't make a big deal about it.  They didn't purposefully talk about it, but also weren't awkwardly closed lip either.  They told the family/growing up stories we all do, where you pick up the gist of what economic class someone grew up in.

We all knew they came from 5%-ish wealth and it was occasionally mentioned amongst the rest of us.  But it wasn't something most/all of us thought about much.  They were great women who were caring friends and that's how they were treated in return.  They both threw fun parties a few times a year in their better college digs, where great food and drinks were provided.  But they didn't pick up restaurant/bar tabs or give/loan people money.  At least not that I ever heard about, though I can't speak to if they did some of that privately with close friends.