NWR:parents supporting grown children

Goldlie11

Here's the story: A friend of mine is getting divorced (one of those marriages where they got married at 19). She has three children, no degree, and no job. Before she split from her husband, she started going to school full-time because her husband was paying all of the bills and all of her children were finally in school. Now she left him and went to live with family. She can't stay with her mother indefinitely because there is not enough space. So, her mother offered to pay her rent once she finds a new place. My friend could support herself and the children with child support and continue to go to school full-time without working. So, my friend asked me what I thought about the situation. I told her I did not know and that I had to think about it (I was kind of busy when she called and didn't want to have a long conversation). It seems strange for a grown woman to have her mother paying her bills. On the other hand, I understand that her mother does not want her to have to work, go to school, and take care of 3 children. So, what would your advice be? Should she take the money or figure it out herself?

notquiteblushing

Take the money.  She needs an education so she can support those children on her own someday.  Heck my parents paid for my apartment for many months when I was in law school to prevent me from having to take out massive loans.  I aint that proud and I needed to study.

sapphirebaby926

I agree with NQB - she should take the money so she doesn't have to worry about juggling kids, job and school and she can use the money from the child support to buy groceries, toys for the kids, etc and save the rest so that if she does get in a bind somewhere she has a little extra.When I was in college I was juggling full time job (working overnight at home depot) and full time school and it was pretty stressful - throwing kids into the mix makes it even harder and if I could have done things differently I would have focused on school only

**Mutley**

In that situation, I would take the $. (It is one of very, very few.) Like NQB said, she needs to be able to support her children.  While there are several single moms who work, go school and take care of their kids, I think they would jump at the chance to be able to be there more for the kids.  I would look at it more as giving the kids the best quality of life that they can have in that situation.     

lyndausvi

Take the money.

mrosenb

I don't understand why she would need to take her mom's money if she could support herself and the children without working? Personally, I would not take the money. IMO when you take/borrow money there are most always strings attached to it, and it could possibly cause a rift in their relationship later on.

Goldlie11

I meant that she would use the child support to pay all of the bills besides the rent (the rent would be covered by her mother). The child support would not be enough money to pay the rent and all of the bills, so she would have to get a job.

lyndausvi

it's not unusual for parents to help pay for college or at least help out with some expenses when their child is in school. She was 19 when she got married, did not go to school then.   I think it's nice that her mom wants to help out now. 

Goldlie11

So, I've thought about the situation and determined that I have mixed feelings. She's not the only person I know who is grown and being supported by their family. I think that sometimes parents do too much and don't allow their children to learn how to take care of themselves. My friend does not know how to care for herself. She's never had to do it before. She went from having her parents provide for her to having a husband provide for her. I think that if she accepts help from her mother, the help should be temporary (just like when parents help out their children who are in college). Eventually, she does need to learn how to do things for herself. Not to mention that she will be getting help from her husband in the form of child support and some alimony. If she asks again, I'll tell her that it's sweet that her mother is helping her and that to make sure she can get herself in the position where she won't need the help anymore.

Heather822

So, I've thought about the situation and determined that I have mixed feelings. She's not the only person I know who is grown and being supported by their family. I think that sometimes parents do too much and don't allow their children to learn how to take care of themselves. My friend does not know how to care for herself. She's never had to do it before. She went from having her parents provide for her to having a husband provide for her. Totally agree with you on that, and if it was just her, I would not suggest she take the $$$ from her mom. But being as she has 3 kids in the mix, I think it'd be wise of her to accept the help. Definitely also agree with you that it should be agreed upon beforehand that it is only a temporary situation though. Hope it works out for your friend!

oceana919

I think if the mother is willing to help your friend out, and your friend is committed to a) living up to her end of the deal (going to school fulltime and doing well) and b) helping out her mother in return once she's settled in a career and no longer needs help, I don't see a problem with it. I'm in graduate school working on my Ph.D. and I have a full time job. I pay my rent with my financial aid money, and my job covers my bills, food, gas, health insurance and tuition. My parents offered to cover my car insurance (about $90 month) and cell phone bill (an extra $10 each month on their fam plan) and I took them up on it. And wherever they can help me out here and there (buying a plane ticket home for me during the holidays, kicking in some extra cash towards medical bills), they do. Their philosophy is they have the money to help me out, they want to help me out. I accept it and I'm extremely grateful for it, and it makes me appreciate what I do have. Once I'm settled in a career and married life, I plan on doing the same for them - sending them somewhere special for their 30th anniversary, sending them surprise plane tickets to come visit, etc.

Goldlie11

My family helped me through undergrad. I paid for grad school by myself and lived alone. I've had absolutely no help after I got my b.s. degree. I did stay home for a year after I graduated undergrad to save up money to move out. Also, my mom will buy me something that I need occasionally (usually cooking related because she knows I like to cook). Like I said, I'm not against helping, but I am against enabling. My friend is 30 years old. At some point very soon, she has to get it together for both herself and the children. Still, I will tell her to take the money after she and her mother discuss all of the logistics of the situation.

noelle24

When you really need it, you shouldn't be too proud to take money from family. Yes, it sometimes comes with strings or can be difficult on the relationship.  But when there are kids involved, sometimes you have to swallow your pride.  As long as she is going to school so she can get a better job and has a plan to eventually be able to support herself and her family, then more power to her.  

oceana919

I think there's a big difference between helping and enabling. In my mind, helping is just that - helping. Making something possible that might not otherwise be possible, despite how hard a person is working. I work my tail off at my job to provide for myself, but due to my lab schedule, can't get a second job. My parents buying me a plane ticket home for Christmas or helping me pay off an unexpected medical bill basically is them helping me pay for something that I can't afford with the budget I have. My brother's a 1st-year teacher on a very tight budget - my parents will help him on bills now and then when he needs it. To be honest, having parents that are that generous and willing to help has made me and my brother more generous, helpful, grateful people...we're incredibly appreciative of what we have in life and what our family does for us. In my mind, enabling is just that - enabling. Paying rent for a child who refuses to go out and get a job, or financially supporting a grandchild because your child is blowing his/her cash on video games or expensive clothes ::coughcough::Octomom::coughcough::, or hitting up your parents for money to buy a new big screen or IPOD when those items aren't essential for life...that behavior is ridiculous, and I don't agree with people that do it. Believe me, I'm not knocking the people that are completely financially independent from their parents. More power to them, I have a great deal of respect for that, I look forward to a time when I'm settled in my career and can be 100% financially independent. But I don't feel like less of a person or a deadbeat because I accept help from my parents when I need it. If anything, they get mad/insulted when I try not to take it - one of those, "it's our money, you're our child, we want to help, let us do it" kind of deals. I figure, if you're working hard and trying to support yourself, and your parents have the money and are willing to help you, then there's no shame in accepting help.

Goldlie11

I think there's a big difference between helping and enabling. In my mind, helping is just that - helping. Making something possible that might not otherwise be possible, despite how hard a person is working. I work my tail off at my job to provide for myself, but due to my lab schedule, can't get a second job. My parents buying me a plane ticket home for Christmas or helping me pay off an unexpected medical bill basically is them helping me pay for something that I can't afford with the budget I have. My brother's a 1st-year teacher on a very tight budget - my parents will help him on bills now and then when he needs it. To be honest, having parents that are that generous and willing to help has made me and my brother more generous, helpful, grateful people...we're incredibly appreciative of what we have in life and what our family does for us. In my mind, enabling is just that - enabling. Paying rent for a child who refuses to go out and get a job, or financially supporting a grandchild because your child is blowing his/her cash on video games or expensive clothes ::coughcough::Octomom::coughcough::, or hitting up your parents for money to buy a new big screen or IPOD when those items aren't essential for life...that behavior is ridiculous, and I don't agree with people that do it. Believe me, I'm not knocking the people that are completely financially independent from their parents. More power to them, I have a great deal of respect for that, I look forward to a time when I'm settled in my career and can be 100% financially independent. But I don't feel like less of a person or a deadbeat because I accept help from my parents when I need it. If anything, they get mad/insulted when I try not to take it - one of those, "it's our money, you're our child, we want to help, let us do it" kind of deals. I figure, if you're working hard and trying to support yourself, and your parents have the money and are willing to help you, then there's no shame in accepting help. My response (because I can't seem to use italics or bold on your post): I agree that helping and enabling is different. Like I said, if my friend's mom pays the rent for a while as my friend is getting herself together, that is helping. If she pays her rent forever, it's enabling. You situation does not seem like enabling. I was on my family phone plan for about a year even though I lived alone. I've also had family help me out with travel expenses. Like I mentioned earlier, I've also known people who have changed majors a million times and never held a job. They have never paid a bill or taken care of themselves (and they are 27 like me). I'm sorry, that's not cool in my opinion. When I was younger and first year teacher, I lived in a tiny apartment. I had little money for extras other than books for school and tuition. All of these experiences made me a stronger person. I could have stayed at home with my mother, but I chose not to. I knew that I had to learn to take care of myself. All I want for my friend is that she learn how to take care of herself and of course support her children.

smiling_tiger04

I vote for her to take the money. It's very generous of her mother to offer it and she should take it at least until she finishes school and gets a better job. This is a very different situation then say, someone who refuses to get a job or even go to school and their parents are paying for them. Your friend is smart to go to school to better educate herself and provide for her children. I wish her luck in her future.