Not Engaged Yet

What's the big rush?

Please enlighten me.

I don't understand why it's so hard to just enjoy your relationship as it is. I know that thinking you are about to get engaged is really exciting and you wonder when it's going to happen. I was there I get it. But why start planning the wedding when there is still so much to enjoy just being together without the stress of putting together a guest list, finding a venue, picking out flowers, programs, inivitation etc? Wedding planning is a crazy, stressful time, trust me - ask the other engaged ladies on this board. It isn't all it's cracked up to be - emotions run high and there are disagreements or arguements on what you want vs. what your family wants, who you just have to invite because they are your parents BFF, will kids be invited or not, etc. I just can't imagine why you would want to bring this on yourself earlier than necessary.

This post isn't entirely brought on by the posts on this board but some of the more recent posts have made me ponder this more and more lately.

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Re: What's the big rush?

  • edited December 2011
    I agree wholeheartedly.

    I understand the excitement before your engagement, but you're already in love! ENJOY IT. You never get that time back.

    Guest list, budget, what shade of blue is closest to Tiffany Blue? You have plenty of time for all that. Just be in love and be happy!
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think people do this in general -- look to the next big thing instead of appreciating things AS they experience them. We live in a very goal-focused, material society, and small, everyday things just aren't valued as highly by a lot of people.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I wonder this, too.

    I don't understand what the rush is. Your biological clock might be ticking, but it's not going to explode. And wouldn't you rather be in a marriage you both consented to in agreement, rather than pressuring him and rushing him and making yourself sick with anxiety?

    Most women don't like to be pressured over what shoes to buy and what to order from the Chinese restaurant... yet, they expect their boyfriend to be ready to change the entire direction of his life when she's ready.

    And, if all else fails...



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  • aissa0814aissa0814 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not to be harsh, but I think the ones who stress out about getting married when they want to are the desperate, insecure ones...they want to seal the deal so they feel better about themselves, not thinking about what the other person feels. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into THAT person. Been with my BF almost 5 years, we have a daughter together, and I know we both want to get married to each other, I just want it sooner...then I stop and think: what's the freakin' rush?!? I have what most women/men want: an awesome other half and a cute little family. Getting married is just another step. It shouldn't be THE ONE AND ONLY goal. That's why the divorce rate is so high. People act before they think. Most women (or men) are in love with the wedding part, not the marriage, and that's where I think sucks. If you're with THE ONE, you're going to be with the same person forever anyway, so a wedding along the way will be nice, but don't get an anxiety attack just because it's not happening soon enough =)
  • edited December 2011
    I understand where some of these girls are coming from because when you get to that point in your relationship where you are ready to make the next step and it seems like he's not ready you start to get nervous that it won't ever happen so instead of being rational and talking, you start "dropping hints" and basically pushing him. I did this a little until I got on here and had some sense slapped into me through other people's posts.

    That being said, I never felt ready to get married when I was still in school. I know I'm different from others but I had personal goals that I wanted to achieve before I got married. I wanted to finish undergrad, grad school, and get a fulltime teaching job. Part of this is because I knew I wasn't ready to have kids until these things were taken care of so why get married until I was ready to have kids?

    That was kind of a long ramble but basically my point is this: everyone should have personal goals and you shouldn't lose sight of them just because you want a pretty princess day.
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  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Iunno.  I'm enjoying my relationship with BF, now.  I love every day we spend together and I treasure the time we have as a couple.  I know some people feel like they need it to happen NOW, they're ready to move on.  I'm ready to move on.  I feel like it could happen any day and I'd be ready but I also see all the stress you ladies get from weddings and it makes me appreciate what I have now.  I have a, mostly, stress free relationship. No budget decisions, invitations, colors, caters, venues, etc.  And I LOVE it!

    That being said whenever he brings up marriage I get butterflies in my stomach.  I want to marry him.  I don't care when, I don't care how, I don't care if we JOP it tomorrow morning before work - I just want it to happen.  I just want to be able to say "This is my husband, Dan."  But I also know that it will happen when we're ready. 

    I understand why people are anxious and excited for a proposal.  I'm excited for it to happen too.  But I think the difference is that some people can only focus on what's going to happen next. They look forward to what's next on the list but miss what's sitting in front of them right now.  I don't plan on being one of those people, tho;)

    And if I ever get BSC with engagement talk....please beat me.


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  • zaneopalzaneopal member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't get it, to be honest.

    Yes, I'm 22. Yes, I'm about to graduate college. Yes, I'm in a long-term relationship. But I don't want to get married yet. I want to experience living on my own for a while. I want to be sure my job is secure. Heck, I want BF to HAVE a job--even if it means he's trundling off to Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories to work in a diamond mine and I don't see him for another year. I want to learn to cook something more complicated than spaghetti and only have me suffer if I put in way too much salt or burn the food beyond recognition.

    In short, I want to live a little more with BF just as my BF. Yes, I'd love to be his wife, have babies, and grow old together. But I also know that we're fine as we are right now, and neither of us is ready to take that next step.

    I hate going on the Students board and seeing all these girls who are like "my family is telling me to wait but we've been together for soooo loooong" and they're my age or younger. Or coming on here the last two days and seeing girls whose relationships are the same age as mine (it seems like every newb lately started dating their BFs in October/November 2008) and demanding to know when he's going to propose, what sort of ring it will be, etc etc etc. And then I wonder what's wrong with ME that I don't care about this yet. Yes, it's fun to look, and to think about it in my head. But that's where it stays.

    Talking to my roommate yesterday, I realized something. She and her BF (of 3 1/2 years) are talking getting married, but want to wait at least another year, as Roommate is taking a 5th year to finish her degree and her BF is starting law school in August. And Roommate and I were discussing what sort of weddings we wanted...and it hit me: I don't give a crap if I have a wedding.

    I'm not a center of attention kind of person. I don't want 150 of our nearest and dearest staring me down while I walk in a white dress that I *will* spill something on by the end of the night, telling Patrick how much I love him, and watching us kiss, hug, and generally be cute the rest of the day...that's personal. I don't think we've EVER kissed in front of someone else, except pets.

    I'd rather just go off to the JOP and be done with it, so we can get on with life as married people--and I can categorically say that I know I'm definitely not ready for that yet, and I'm pretty sure he's not either.

    So, in short, there is no rush here.

    PS -- If BF DOES get a job in Canada, it has to be in Nova Scotia so I can chill with Paige. Any mines out your way?
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Zane - their re-opening some mines in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia! And there are some gold and zinc mines in NS too (http://www.acadianmining.com/).  And lots of info on mining from the NS Gov. (http://www.gov.ns.ca/natr/meb/).  You and BF should TOTALLY come to NS.  We're coo' ;)

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    Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
    Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
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  • zaneopalzaneopal member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Haha awesome. At the moment, he's still trying to at least get an interview with the one in Yellowknife, and he's been talking back and forth with a company based out of Toronto.

    Toronto wouldn't be too bad I guess. I've got family in Detroit and down in the Waterloo-Kitchener area of Ontario.

    But I will pass the info on to him. Thanks!
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sounds good Zane!  I had a friend that worked in Yellowknife for 6 months.  He really enjoyed it EXCEPT on his off time.  He was really really bored.  Yellowknife is WAY North.  LIke frozen wasteland North! But it really depends on your personality...some people love it, some people hate it.

    Good luck to BF;)

    "Popular on the internetz..."
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    Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
    Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
    Murried Bio
  • Rachel5683Rachel5683 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've actually been getting mad at myself for even entertaining the idea of wanting to get married. I'm divorced and have been with my BF for 15 months now. We've talked about marriage plenty, but always in the aspect that neither of us had any desire. Kids probably won't happen for us, and that almost makes marriage seem pointless. We always say that we'll get married after 30 years, and we have that wedding planned out, down to the band that will play lol. But, BF screwed up a couple of weeks ago and made a joke to his dad about us getting married. Out of the blue he was like "So, Dad, are you coming to the wedding next June?" and we were all dumfounded, I laughed it off, but since then I've realized that while the idea of getting married again, in general, doesn't interest me, the idea of marrying HIM does. After getting married quickly at 20 and getting divorced at 25, I know I have a keeper and now I want to get married for the right reasons (i.e. love, not feeling that I need a man). But, knowing he has no real interest and that I've told him I don't either, I may be in trouble lol...at least I told him in the past that I wouldn't say "yes" until I've been with someone for at least 2 years (got married after 1 year before), so I have some time to enjoy my dream before I start driving myself crazy lol
  • edited December 2011
    I think some peopole think their relationship isn't valid or as important if they're not engaged and everyone around them is. I think when you start caring about what others may or may not think is when the BSC creeps in. I know I've been a victim of it before.
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  • edited December 2011
    While the logic side of me knows that there's no reason to stress out... the emotional side of me knows it's coming, and doesn't want to freakin' wait.  I guess the catch is that I know I have the tendency to become BSC about it, so I keep myself in check.

    Whatevs, I just blame society for trying to make me feel like I have to be married to be a valid human being ;-)

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  • edited December 2011
    For us the big rush is immigration; my visa expires a year after we graduate from college. We already agreed we wanted to get married eventually (meaning in the future, in our mid-to-late twenties, maybe), but having that deadline forced us to make concrete plans earlier than we might have otherwise. 

    I certainly never aspired to get married at 22, almost 23, but we'll have been together five years at that point, so it doesn't seem outrageous.
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  • edited December 2011
    Sapphire, you know I like you (once again I'm so glad you're back).  Posts like this bother me, though.  I don't think that the posters here should be planning a wedding before they are engaged (unless their BF/FI tells them to), but I feel that a lot of the unengaged girls here have it bad.  I've been around before a lot of the girls on here got engaged.  We all had our moments of BSC or impatience.  Most of us have admitted to feeling a pang of jealousy when our friend, family member, or coworker got engaged.

    I've been engaged for about 6 months.  I still remember that feeling after then BF told me he was buying the ring and asked me what did I want.  He waited about 4 months until he actually bought the ring.  I know 4 months isn't a long time, but it felt really long.  

    Anyway, this is my long winded way of saying that those of us who are engaged or married need to remember what it was like.  It's okay to dream.  I NEVER called or emailed one vendor before I was officially engaged.  Still, if the girls here on the NEY board want to dream and express their frustration here, what's the problem? I feel like sometimes the posters here get treated like sh!t (not by you specifically) for not being engaged.  This board is technically for those who are not engaged.   

    P.S.  You are 100% right that overall planning sucks.  It's so much different than they daydreaming you do prior to your engagement.    
  • zipis1zipis1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not necessarily in a rush; I'm happy just being with him and loving him and all that good stuff. However, I know what I want, and waiting for it makes me antsy. And "it" in this case is definitely not the wedding. I want to marry him. I want to call him my husband and he to call me his wife. I want to know I can see him in the hospital if he gets sick, and visa versa. I want to adopt a bunch of furbabies together and grow old together. I don't care about the wedding. I hate being the center of attention and I hate planning stuff like that out (as does he). I don't want to spend the money on it and I don't want the drama. There's a high chance we'll either forgo a wedding when the times comes or just have it be super itty bitty small. ...or at least super inexpensive and casual. I just want to be his wife.

    Sure sure, it's the right choice to wait, what with me potentially having to move everywhere (i.e. potentially out of the country with no guarantee BF can come with even if we're married) for vet school and just general financial insecurity at the moment (neither of us want to start a marriage off with the added stress of said financial insecurity). I know that and have even told HIM that at times when he starts to feel bad that we aren't engaged yet. But actually doing so is the most frustrating thing I've ever had to do. Why? Because I'm impatient. Or rather, I am used to deciding what I want and getting it (and I don't mean that in a spoiled way :P), or at least making progress toward getting it. At the moment I'm stuck in passive waiting for a bunch of reasons and it frustrates me. It's probably a good thing for me in some way  to have the experience of biding my time for once, even if I don't want to. But it still sucks.

    And, if I'm honest, there are times I want to hurry it up because I'm sick and tired of people not taking our relationship seriously because we are "just" BF/GF. Never mind that we've been together three years and lived together all three of those years, longer than a lot of the people in question have even known their spouses, and never mind that through that we've never even had one true fight. Does their opinion/attitude have any real bearing on our relationship? Nope. Does that stop it from being really irritating and touching a nerve? Nope. I won't actually rush it because of this, but there are brief moments at times where the feeling pops up.

    But! I do agree that people shouldn't add in wedding planning before they're actually engaged. It's silly and makes you obsess over the proposal/engagement/wedding more than you should, which likely becomes a vicious cycle and may actually be the cause of BSC in many cases. I don't understand why people do that to themseves, except maybe that they just got caught up in the excitement of it all and became temporarily insane. And perhaps that's all it really comes down to for many of them: they've just been blinded by excitement.

    I'm pretty sure I'm rambling now so I'm gonna stop (long, annoying day). Forgive the loooooong comment.

    (TLDR: I think many just get caught up in the excitement and lose sight of things. And I, in my personal situation, feel stuck by circumstance and rational thinking and it occasionally frustrates me because I am unaccustomed to stuckage, especially stuckage partially caused by my rational thining. No one should plan their wedding before they get engaged or pressure their BF because it is self defeating).

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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I actually kind of like this post. I had been getting a little impatient lately (I think because of the move) but then I realized engagement will be h*ll because my crazy family will be bugging me about every little thing. So really, what's the rush? Life is good now. He isn't going anywhere. We're happy together. If we decide to have a bambino we need to move along in the next year or three. If we decide to have two bambinos - well - we're already a little late.

    So I DO understand the gals on the board who are frustrated and/or super-excited. And technically, this IS the place to expresss that. But I agree that if the here and now is great, no need to rush to the next step!
  • edited December 2011
    As someone who posted here when I was NEY, I do get it.  While I think it's a bit BSC to start booking vendors and all that crazyness, I did look around a bit while NEY and I'm glad I did.  Part of that, though, was due to a good friend getting married...I think I would have been flipping through magazines even if I had been single at the time. 

    For me, also, there was the added issue that, for us, dating is aimed toward marriage, and living together is reserved for marriage.  So, in order to have a life together, we need to be married.  We were both agreed on that from the start, which is at odds with the way most people do things these days. 

    It did speed up our timeline, but I think that was good, at least for us.  I am always a "what next" sort of person, and he can be as well.  We're looking toward a house, a puppy, and kids.  :-)  I always have to have something that I'm working toward, so to speak, so I get people who are happy with their relationship, but want that next step.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whats-big-rush?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1265b164-78a7-4675-8caa-2aa6a3e95837Post:ffa4371d-bc1a-4fea-ba1c-e36de05665d0">Re: What's the big rush?</a>:
    [QUOTE]And if I ever get BSC with engagement talk....please beat me.
    Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]
    noted


    I totally get being excited and wanting to bounce up and down when you think the moment is coming close.. so you run on here and tell people... Some of those posts are cute, lol.

    And of course it's fine to vent about how he hasn't propsed yet... it can be frustrating when you think every thing is going fine, so you can't figure out if maybe you're doing something wrong... or if he isn't ready or if he's wondering if you're ready...
    A million of thoughts run through your mind like that and this is definitely a good place to discuss that.

    But, having said that, I worry about the girls who come on here and sound "desperate" for him to hurry up and "just propose already"
    Especially if it seems like it might just be wishful thinking.

    Also, not many guys like to be pressured, so reading posts like, "I drop hints all the time and watch Say Yes to the Dress in front of him so he can imagine me in one of those dresses" is just not going to work. For the love and sanity of these girls, they need more than a listening ear. They need help, chocolate, and hugs.
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