Thanks for your advice - now DD'd!

calindi

Appreciate everyone's advice!  I have deleted my message for privacy purposes.

Wrkn925

Take a field trip to a juvenile detention center?

niknik15

For me, high school was ridiculously boring. If I didn't have a job, I probably would have gotten into a lot of trouble. If she is kind of in the same boat I was in, then I would suggest something to really challenge her mind and keep her hands busy. I'm not quite sure what that would be, but that is my suggestion.

skyler1108

Cate I'm sorry to hear that your BF's sister is having some troubles. I have been in a pretty similar situation with my little sister a few years ago. I really wish I could tell you that there was something that I said or did that helped her out but to be honest there wasn't.

I talker to my little sister about the road she was taking and how it wasn't a good road. I listened to her when she needed me to, held her while she cried and when it was all said and done nothing I did or said helped her out. All I said just went in one ear and out the other but I didn't give up. She eventually started to calm down and get her life on a better track but she really did that on her own. Her behavior is much better now. I think a big thing that helped her was when we moved to LA. She was forced to leave her friends in OH who were not the best influences. When she came to LA she made better choices when it came to her friends and that helped as well.

All you can do it be there for her and giver her any advice that she is willing to listen to. While moving and getting new friends may help for some it can also be harmful for others. I do not think that he moving in with you is the best idea but maybe she can come spend the summer with you guys? You may be able to get through to her then.

cu97tiger

Wow, I wish I even remotely had a good answer for you. I have lots of younger cousins, and while most of them seem to have pretty good heads on their shoulders, I've just always tried to be a good role model for them. I think what you're doing now (showing that you care, having her come visit you, listening to her when she talks) is about all you can do for now. 99% of where she goes from here will be based on what she's already learned from her mother and father. 

Maybe one thing you can do is have her come down to stay with you whenever she's on a break... so holiday breaks, spring break, summer break... basically any time she isn't in school. That will break her out of her routine, give you and your BF a chance to have more of an influence on her.

[Deleted User]

Tough one. First of all, I probably wouldn't invite her to come live with you. It is a huge responsibility and could possibly put a lot of strain on your relationship with her, your BF AND the rest of the family. She is still a minor so I would not want that responsibility. Also, I think it would be difficult seeing as neither of you are her legal guardian.

That aside, I think it's wonderful that you want to help. Being a non-judgmental listener is probably what she really needs right now. Tell her that you sympathize and know how hard it can be as a teenager...and has she thought about what she might like to do with her life as an adult? Sometimes helping teens find a goal (even if it's just getting out of mom and dad's house) can help encourage responsibility.

Also, try to always talk in positives. Example: "when you get into college, you'll have time to figure out what kind of career you might like"  instead of "if you don't get your act together you'll never get into college and you'll be stuck in low-paying jobs". 

peekaboo2011

I know the SPCA lets you volunteer starting at 16, I think.  She may just have to have her mom sign a release form or something.  I used to volunteer there, and it was really therapeutic to walk in and see a puppy that couldn't wait for you to love it.  

I'm sorry about your BFs sister having such a rough time.  I wish there were an easy answer.  BF's sister had similar problems in high school, and he doesn't know what he could have done to help her.  Other than animals, is there a subject that she used to love?  Maybe finding her a way to get into that more deeply would help...

We send you and BF's sister good vibes!

futuremrstje

What about adressing the root causes of her moodiness and acting out? It sounds like things are a little worse than the average teenager so something else could be going on there. I was very much like what you describe her as when I was her age because I was suffering from depression (which through drugs and therapy I was able to get under control). I had extremely low self esteem because I was bullied relentlessly, and did pretty much everything your bf's sister is doing. My parents sent me to a therapist who recommended I go to an alternative high school and spend some time in a treatment facility. I was able to turn my life around. When I was 15, my teachers doubted I would ever graduate. When I was 20 I graduated with honors and a full scholarship to my first choice university. Yes it was a little late, but the traditional school system just wasn't working for me. I'm not saying your bf's sister is depressed, but maybe just trying to find out WHY she's acting out and adressing that issue can help?

notquiteblushing

At 16 I did a bunch of dumb things too.  Okay, not 16, I was a late bloomer, but 18.  I'd let her know you and her brother are there for her.  Call and ask how she is once a week.  It's possible to be involved when you're far away.  There's cell phones, Skype, email, chatting, etc.

But ultimately it's her life and she alreayd has a parent so you also have to know your limits.  I would definitely not have her come stay with you.  That sounds like a hot mess waiting to happen.

desertsun

Can your BF talk to his mom in a way that is "What can we do to help/support Sister?"  I feel like having a conversation that is focused on how you all can work together is bound to be more constructive than BF just saying "You need to do xyz."

Maybe suggest a reward system for her? For every week she follows the rules, she gets a point. At 10 points, she gets a shopping spree. At 25 points she gets to come visit you and BF for a weekend. Rules could include: doing homework, working all scheduled work shifts, 2 nights a week for social activities. Of course BF's mom would need to work WITH her daughter to set up rules they can both agree on, and Mom would have to follow up with teachers and her school. Maybe just call them goals instead of rules? Something like that?

loves2shop4shoes

Sometimes people just need to make their own mistakes.  This may be one of those times.  You are not her mother...and it's not your (or your BF's) job to parent her.  Having her come live with you would be a bad idea.  You're too young to parent a 16 year old...there's reasons it's not biologically possible.

What I would do is have a conversation with her and let her know that you love her and are there for her.  Tell her she can ALWAYS come and talk to you/get advice from you, and that you won't judge her.  Don't be preachy with her because 16 year olds HATE preachy.  If you give her advice, include times when you yourself were a hot mess or did things you weren't proud of.  If you portray yourself to be a saint, she won't be able to relate.

She sounds to me like she's desperate for attention...hence the parade of males, staying out until all hours, and constantly questioning authority.  She wants fights because she wants attention of ANY kind.  So, give her positive attention.  Tell her that you think she's smart.  Challenge her to set goals for herself academically.  Make her feel special.  Call her, ask her about school, ask her about boys/her friends, ask her about how she's doing.  Include her in your life...maybe even ask her to "keep you honest" about your running by being a long-distance running partner.  Give her positive reinforcement.  Don't judge.  Be a peer to her...not a parent.  

Oh, and hugs work too.

[Deleted User]

I'm so glad to hear she is talking with a therapist. I think that will be a wonderful place for her to unload her feelings and receive some constructive comments. In the mean time, I think the best thing you can do for her is be the example that her mother is apparently not setting. Check in and see how things are going, let her know that she can confide in you and that you believe in her.

Having someone believe in you can go a really long way in boosting self confidence.

ravenray

Oh man this is tough.  I don't really have a great answer for you.  But I know that when I was 16 and rebelling I just to choose to stop doing stupid things, nothing my parents or anyone else said made any difference.  I had to choose to stop, sadly some of my friends didn't and they no longer wish to be friends.  It is really hard to go the right way when your friends don't want to.  When they harass you about it doesn't help either.  I know most animal shelters let you volunteer at 16 so you should see if you can help her find somewhere to do it.  Really all you can do is talk to her.  Encourage her to do the right thing and to peruse her goals.  It is tough growing up.  But as long as you can be there for her I think that that is best thing you can do.  Also try not to blame yourself if she gets into trouble.... maybe she needs to get into trouble (thought I hope not) to teach her to not do it again. 

AudgiePodge

PPs have some really good advice.  Too bad this isn't one of those things that can easily be remedied.  Maybe she's just rebelling.  I was a great kid up until I was about 16, then I got into all kinds of things.  I didn't care about school anymore and I thought I knew it all and wanted to do my own thing without having to answer to anyone.  Thankfully it all worked it's self out as I got older and wiser.  Hopefully this might be just a phase for her.

AbigailMS

I have one question. Does she want to change the way she's behaving? I mean I guess it's obvious she's not really happy with her home, school, or work life, but she's the only one who can change some of that. I was super bored with high school, so I took tons of college classes. 

Maybe talk to her about how getting terrible grades isn't going to get her out of that cashier job and her mom's house any time soon.

I was never in this situation per say because my dad was my rock. I told him EVERYTHING and he held me accountable. My mom has never been reliably around so I also had to answer to my older sister who has kind of been my "mom".

I feel like you and your bf could fill those roles. My sister lived 4 hours away throughout high school and my dad has to travel a lot as well. If she wants this to all change, she can change her attitude, and she can change who she looks up to, and start holding herself accountable. 

It sounds like she talks to you..I feel like you can probably give as good advice as anyone. That's all I've got. *shrug*

Elle1036

Cate, YGPM.  Hope it's somewhat helpful.

desertsun

Tell her the best revenge on assholes is being more succesful than them. She gets to be a condescending bitch for the rest of her life if she goes to college and gets a good job. Maybe that'll motivate her? ETA: I'm kidding here. Mostly.

Maybe all you can do is listen and be honest with her. When she makes a bad choice, ask her what she thinks the impact of that choice is. Ask her if she's making decisions based on what SHE wants for HERSELF or based on what feels easy or good in the moment. Sometimes all you can do is ask the hard questions and try to hold up a mirror so people can see how self-destructive they're being.

My only other suggestion is see if you can get in on a therapy session with her (without mom). See if her therapist has some good ideas for you?

Idk. I'm sorry. I wish I had better advice!

calindi

Thanks ladies!  This really did help.  At least I know I'm not totally off base.

Step 1: Let BF handle his own family.  I'm going to give him advice and suggestions, but it's up to him to pass it on.  I'm not sticking my nose into that hornets nest!

Step 2: Stay in her life and a good listener.  Offer perspective, but not lectures or judgement.

Annnnd now I'm going to DD my previous posts!  Thanks again all!!!

And Elle, YGPM back atcha!

luvdncn90

I"M SO CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok sorry. I'm done.

marleylikeair

Cate, I really, really agree with PPs and your summation of their advice. I really wanted to post something on this earlier, but when I saw it, I was getting ready to leave for a class and knew I couldn't get as in-depth as I wanted to.

GOOD LUCK. I'm glad your BF's sis has you in her corner.

::vibes::