Please tell me that I'm being crazy.

nyc1210

I haven't mentioned it a lot on here, but I've been having some girly problems. I went without a period for three months. I took myself off of birth control, and I had a normal period. I did have a second abnormal pap, so I have to get that checked out soon. So, I've been worrying about my fertility. FI and I don't want kids right away, but we do want them eventually. I've been feeling better about it since my period, but I'm still nervous that there is more wrong.

FI was married before. They got married when they were 18 and divorced 3 years later. She cheated on him after he lost his job and left for a more "stable" man. FI had been laid off. It wasn't like he got fired for doing something irresponsible. They closed down where he worked. Well, we randomly get mail addressed to J (fiance's last name). I've seen the divorce papers. (I met FI online and I had already been burned by a guy that wasn't actually divorced, so I asked to see his. It may be a little extreme, but it was really early in our relationship.) She was supposed to get her maiden name back. We weren't concerned about her mail coming to us until yesterday. Everything that we had gotten was about property that they used to own. Yesterday we got a hand written postcard from March of Dimes saying, "Congrats on your pregnancy."

FI thought it was funny. "Hey! At least I know it's not mine. Poor guy." I didn't find it so funny.

1.) How did someone get our address for his ex wife (still showing his last name)? She's never lived here. My friggin name is on the lease! Why is she still getting mail as if she's still his wife. I'm going to be his wife in less than 75 days. I want that junk out of my mailbox. How can I get that stopped?

2.) This is the really crazy part. I told FI how I felt and he told me that I was being stupid, but I guess I need to hear from unbiased people if I am. I feel even more pressure to be able to have kids. If we find out that I'm not able to, I'm worried that he'll always think, "Well, my ex could have kids. Maybe I should've had one with her." That's crazy, right?

I'm just so stressed about it. She lives in another state. I've never met her. I've never even seen a picture. They don't have kids. There's absolutely no reason why she should be in our lives, but thanks to the postal service, she is. I have no idea what to do.

tuarceatha

AW! When I moved out of my parents' house I went to the post office and got an "Individual" moving form, filled it out, turned it in. While living where I live, my dad moved out of their house into an apt, and around then I started getting mail for him at my apt. I think the postal service/mailing lists don't have all the facts, but they know which names have been associated with each other and that is probably why you randomly got something with her name on it.

It is obviously a sensitive issue, and I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable with it. But I don't think it is a big deal overall, just someone using outdated mailing lists.

Stina51286

The postal service is wacky. We get mail for people who lived in our house 10 years ago. My dads mail still goes to my moms house randomly and they've been divorced for 20 yrs. The best thing to do on that is write on it, "does not live here" and put it back in the mail box, the post office should then make a note of it on your address.

HULU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-tell-im-being-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9eabe2b3-0b72-430d-a5f1-18977ea98144Post:96539d4d-7ab1-47b0-bb3f-eb52787fb3f8">Re: Please tell me that I'm being crazy.</a>:
[QUOTE]The postal service is wacky. We get mail for people who lived in our house 10 years ago. My dads mail still goes to my moms house randomly and they've been divorced for 20 yrs. The best thing to do on that is write on it, "does not live here" and put it back in the mail box, the post office should then make a note of it on your address.
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

<div>Agree with Stina here. I know it's annoying as hell. My mom (although living here) has been getting mail under her last married name here at this house (even though she didn't move here until long after her and my dad divorced). It's annoying, yes, but it happens. We also get our neighbor's mail from time to time (with OUR address on it).</div>

wink0erin

I wonder if it's possible she's doing something passive aggressive, like typing in her old name and your address when signing up for mailing lists just to be a raging biotch. I don't know why anyone would do that, but BFs ex did all kinds of passive aggressive crap after the divorce, even though I had never met her and BF hates her guts.

I'd say writing "Does not live here" and putting back in the mailbox would be the best option. Annoying, but for the best.

ETA: And if the girly things are really worrying you, maybe talk to your OB/GYN about it? That might ease your nerves or at least help you know what to expect.

DanieKA

Agree with all of the PP's about the mail system. Even though she's never lived there I don't find it odd that you still get mail addressed to her. And the postal service doesn't look at leases, so it matters not that your name is on it and hers isn't. I still get mail at my current house, my college apartment (which I haven't lived in for years, sorry people who live there now) and my current place. Sigh. 

As far as your fertility goes, how old are you? Either way, it's always good to get checked out and have the information. I'd rather be informed now, and know if I need to do any planning, and if I'm with the right guy to do that planning with, than to plug my ears, cover my eyes and go "Blah, Blah, Blah" and maybe not find out something until it's too late, or significantly harder to have children (if you want them). 

Having the info doesn't mean you need to have children RIGHT THIS SECOND! And your BF should realize this and not make fun of you. You deserve to know what's going on with your body and how you will handle possibly compromised fertility in the future. Like many young cancer patients are now advised to make arrangements b/c treatments can zap your eggs/fertility. If you need to plan for the future you should get the info now. DO IT! You will never regret knowing early and having the ability to make a plan. If you want biological children you WILL regret it later if you don't find out. Yes, there are other options to parenthood (adoption, surragacy) but learn your options now and decide what you are willing to do or not do (freeze your eggs, do nothing, it's up to you, but get the info now).

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-tell-im-being-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9eabe2b3-0b72-430d-a5f1-18977ea98144Post:6aa7e04e-d801-4f8a-a5a9-c41ba9f420ab">Re: Please tell me that I'm being crazy.</a>:
[QUOTE]AW! When I moved out of my parents' house I went to the post office and got an "Individual" moving form, filled it out, turned it in. While living where I live, my dad moved out of their house into an apt, and around then I started getting mail for him at my apt. I think the postal service/mailing lists don't have all the facts, but they know which names have been associated with each other and that is probably why you randomly got something with her name on it. It is obviously a sensitive issue, and I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable with it. But I don't think it is a big deal overall, just someone using outdated mailing lists.
Posted by jenjenniferf[/QUOTE]

I had a very similar situation as this. For a period after my divorce I moved back in with my parents. I still had my married last name, but naturally my maiden name was the same as theirs. When I moved out, I forwarded both of my names to my new address. My parents ended up getting divorced shortly after and moved out of that house too. Needless to say all of my mail that was going to my maiden name then started going to my mom's house. Despite the fact that I never sent my mail there. I actually still have my mail with my maiden name delivered to her house and I've done a change of address from there to where I live!

Thankfully though I'm just down the street from her, so it's not the end of the world getting my mail. And I know my situation is unique because I have kids and all, but I still have my ex-husband's last name. I despise it, but I wanted to build a relationship with the schools with my girls before I changed it back to my maiden name.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-tell-im-being-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9eabe2b3-0b72-430d-a5f1-18977ea98144Post:e7ff314a-f929-4581-9a5c-1e4c63d356da">Re: Please tell me that I'm being crazy.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please tell me that I'm being crazy. : I had a very similar situation as this. For a period after my divorce I moved back in with my parents. I still had my married last name, but naturally my maiden name was the same as theirs. When I moved out, I forwarded both of my names to my new address. My parents ended up getting divorced shortly after and moved out of that house too. Needless to say all of my mail that was going to my maiden name then started going to my mom's house. Despite the fact that I never sent my mail there. I actually still have my mail with my maiden name delivered to her house and I've done a change of address from there to where I live! Thankfully though I'm just down the street from her, so it's not the end of the world getting my mail. And I know my situation is unique because I have kids and all, but I still have my ex-husband's last name. I despise it, but I wanted to build a relationship with the schools with my girls before I changed it back to my maiden name.
Posted by Ollie08[/QUOTE]

I think women are more inclined to keep their married name after a divorce if they have kids. FI's mom did that so FI and her would have the same last name I guess for the same reason you chose to do so. So even though she's divorced, she'll still be Ms. LastName and I'll be Mrs. LastName and then there's FI's dad who remarried, but his wife chose to keep <em>her</em> <em>ex's</em> last name for some reason even after she got remarried. Now <em>that</em> is weird, lol.

csousa1

I hope he didn't actually call you stupid for feeling that way. I'm sure he's just trying to hammer home the fact that he in NO WAY wishes he had kids with her, but he needed to realize that this is a fear of yours and that you need him to be kind, not rude.

He divorced her for a reason. He wanted her out of his life. He's probably relieved that they did not have any children and he has no ties to her anymore, other than the occasional post office screw up. He was fortunate enough to meet someone he loves so much that he wants to marry them, and is most likely very thankful that he gets to start his family with that woman instead. If you aren't able to have children in the way that you want to, that will be very sad, but you have other options as well. I'm sure he would much rather explore all of those options with you, even if they never work out, than to have had the experience with someone he no longer loves.

It's just your fear talking when you think those nasty thoughts. Do yourself a favor and go get all of the answers you possibly can, and that should help the fear dissipate some. In the meantime, tell him that you know it isn't a logical thought you are having, but that right now you just need reassurance and comfort and not to be berated. Everything will be okay!

ETA: Also, his "at least I know it isn't mine" comment was rather insensitive, and I wouldn't have found it that funny either. However, it does show that he's relieved not to have children with that woman.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-tell-im-being-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9eabe2b3-0b72-430d-a5f1-18977ea98144Post:e7ff314a-f929-4581-9a5c-1e4c63d356da">Re: Please tell me that I'm being crazy.</a>:
[QUOTE] And I know my situation is unique because I have kids and all, but I still have my ex-husband's last name. I despise it, but I wanted to build a relationship with the schools with my girls before I changed it back to my maiden name.
Posted by Ollie08[/QUOTE]

My mom did this too. She kept my biological dad's last name after their divorce so that she could have the same last name as my sister and I. She didn't change it until she married my dad when I was 10, and then just changed it to his last name. Even after that, a lot of people at our school called her Mrs. ExHLastName. It used to bug me but it didn't bother her at all because she knew it was a weird situation.

Don't even get me started on when my sister and I changed our last name to our dad's when we were 16 and 14. We hyphenated at school to make it "easier" to adjust, and I ended up with SAT results, college applications and transcript info under three different names. What a nightmare.

nyc1210

We tried writing "Not at this address" when the mail was addressed to her on the property that they used to share. So, I'm not sure what else to do there.

I am going to a gyno as soon as I can find one. I moved recently, so I have to find a new one.

I don't think she maliciously is doing it. If she is, then I have bigger problems. I don't know how she would get this address because we moved here together after they were already divorced. The only way she would know is if he told her. So, I don't think that's what is going on.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who would be bothered, but that I might be putting too much thought into it. It's really helping. I tend to let the little things bother me and all I'm doing is stressing over something that just happened. It's really no one's fault. I might just go to the post office and talk to them in person about what's going on.

kbb34

I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about. To reemphasize what basically everyone has said, the mail system just follows what the forwarding paperwork says. If your fi wrote to fwd mail with his last name it would catch some of her stuff to, I don't think the post office has time to physically look at every piece of mail. That being said I get mail for my bfs ex wife sometimes and when I see her name in the mailbox it makes me upset especially if I didn't get any mail that day, but I admittedly am a brat about some stuff haha.

Blue & White

Yea, the post office is special.  We get mail all the time for my sister and BF's brother.  Just because we have the same initials...

kmheiges

To me the mail thing isn't a huge deal, although I can see how it would annoy you. I just moved into an apartment with my boyfriend this past summer and I randomly get mail for my dad and stepmom. I don't know why it would be sent to my apartment instead of their house, but there isn't much I can do about it.

I would honestly just try to ignore them. Maybe ripping up the mail would actually make you feel better. I know I would get some joy out of putting it through a shredder