Yeah he's a douche.....

loopy82

My cousin is married to a huge d-bag. He is always telling her what to do or what she can't do. She listens to him. I don't know why. It suprises me. She never used to be like this. She used to be very independant and wouldn't put up with anyones shiit. She has been married to this guy for 10 years and they have 2 kids.

She was invited to my bachelorette party. He said she wasn't allowed to go because he wasn't going to make his mom responsible for watching their children 2 weekend nights in a row. He was supposed to work the night of my wedding. I was stoked. Then I found out that he was coming because he said that somebody needed to keep an eye on my cousin (his wife) which is absolutely ridiculous.

As you may or may not have remembered I had an adults only wedding. The photographer there took pictures of her family (dad, siblings & spouses.) She wanted to order the pictures off of our photo website. He told her she wasn't allowed to order it because their kids were not in the picture. Seriously?!?!?

There have just been a number of things over the years, but it is just getting more an more ridiculous as time goes on. She is sure that he has cheated on her. He won't let her go back to work. She wanted to go to school for nursing. He said no that she was too old and needed to stay home with the kids. She won't leave most likely due to money as they do live a very comfortable lifestyle. I think she needs to stand up to him because his behavior keeps getting more and more controlling. I am way too fiesty to deal with that kind of behavior. I think DH would be scared of what I would do if he tried acting like that.

I just needed to vent my frustrations to someone. Please feel free to share your douchey person stories here.

purplepeopleeater11

Ugh...douches are bad, controlling douches are worse.  My cousin is dating a douche.  She goes to school about an hour away from him and she drives to see him every weekend.  He NEVER makes the trip to see her.  His apartment is about 20 minutes from her mother's house (can you tell I'm from Michigan, no miles, just minutes).  She's been down the last three weekends and hasn't seen her mom once.  

He brags to all his friends (who are my little brother's friends too so I hear all of it) about all the freaky stuff he can convince her to do and it's really bothersome that he spreads those kind of rumors.  She knows what he's said about her, and does nothing about it.  My BF hit the nail on the head yesterday when he said she was very well trained.

She allows it though, and it seems that your cousin does as well.  Granted her situation is a little trickier since they're married and have kids.  It sucks that you in turn have to deal with it.  

KD+BC

Wow that's awful.

To commiserate, my cousin is married to a douchette (yes I made that up). You may remember the craziness that surrounded their wedding back in July. Well my aunt told my dad last week that she's pregnant. None of us are surprised because she told everyone at her shower that they were already trying. Well, my other cousin's wife told me that she thinks douchette is planning on announcing her pregnancy one facebook Thursday night so that everyone will be talking about it Friday in time for my wedding. I honestly don't care. My whole family despises her and she'll just look like a fool. I almost want her to do it because she'll look so bad.

calindi

Order her the pictures as a Christmas present?

It's always hard watching a formerly strong independent woman be cowed by a domineering spouse.  Especially when they have kids, she's probably feel it's easier to just go along with it than try and stand up for herself.  It's really, really sad.  If she ever comes to you for help, try to get her to talk to a psychologist.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be to see someone you love be treated like that!  Knowing how direct I can be, I'd probably tell him what an asshat he was.

GreenPepperBurger

That's horrible. I would never stand for that. And by your description, it seems like your cousin wouldn't either, in the past. Was this behavior always prominent, or did it emerge after they got married and the kids were born? I think this definitely qualifies as abuse.

AudgiePodge

My exhusband is a douche. He actaully was kind of proud of that.

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_yeah-hes-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bfe5eb2b-a00a-443f-958b-49864a7f45daPost:81059af0-65d7-4a8d-bce6-3e966cc8ba37">Re: Yeah he's a douche.....</a>:
[QUOTE]That's horrible. I would never stand for that. And by your description, it seems like your cousin wouldn't either, in the past. Was this behavior always prominent, or did it emerge after they got married and the kids were born? I think this definitely qualifies as abuse.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
THIS!  It definitely sounds like psychological abuse, not just douche-ness. Keeping you from the things you like and from your family and friends are classic signs. 

coastiegrl25

That is so frustrating to deal with, I can relate with you as I have a couple of really close friends in the same situation. I also was in an abusive relationship that I finally got out of THANK GOD.  I really feel for those who are in controlling relationships and I know how hard it is to get out of them.  Hopefully one day she will open her eyes and realize what a happier life she could have. Especially since they're children who doesn't need to think that it's ok to be treated or treat others that way. 

loopy82

He has always been kind of douchey - but at first I attributed it to him and I just not seeing eye to eye (seeing as that there is about a 10 year age difference - note: my cousin is 5.5 years older than I am.) It has definitely gotten much much worse after each kid was born. Oh and I forgot to add. He has tried to prevent her from seeing her immediate family. I am not fully sure if she listens to him all the time about that one.

Cal - That is what I told my mom this morning - that I was going to order the picture for her. I then followed it up by he would probably throw it away if he found it.

KD - I do remember douchette. Good luck with her at your wedding. I guess at least if she is pregnant she won't be making a drunken scene at your wedding.

loopy82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_yeah-hes-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bfe5eb2b-a00a-443f-958b-49864a7f45daPost:fb4cb60e-2363-428a-b7bf-e017ae5fe9ce">Re: Yeah he's a douche.....</a>:
[QUOTE]My exhusband is a douche. He actaully was kind of proud of that.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

Wow. That sounds like its a good thing he is now an Ex.

bethsmiles

It sounds like an abusive relationship. And if those all things you know I can't even imagine the horrors of what you don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if it escalated to violence, if it hasn't already. Its hard to know what to do in those situations. It always amazes me how such strong women can be pulled into relationships like this. I think there is a misimpression that women in abusive relationships are weak, that is not the case at all. Many strong women have fallen into relationships like this and for some reason just can't pull themselves out. In this case her kids are probably the strongest tie to the relationship.

Have you ever talked to her about the situation?

calindi

Even if he throws it out, then YOU can be pissed at HIM.  If it were me, every time I go to their house I'd comment on the picture.  If I didn't see it, I'd ask where it is.  If I found out it had been thrown out, I'd really use it as an excuse to rip into him.

"How dare you throw out a gift from me to my cousin?  Who the f*ck do you think you are?  You're a controlling jackass who needs to get over himself and realize other people have feelings and opinions.  You're a pathetic jerk who feels he needs to validate his own importance by bossing around my cousin and controlling her life, when in fact you're an impotent small little boy who feels challenged by anyone else who cares about my cousin!"

Or something like that...

KD+BC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_yeah-hes-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bfe5eb2b-a00a-443f-958b-49864a7f45daPost:b285a790-40c4-48e2-9318-3bf71d3ea792">Re: Yeah he's a douche.....</a>:
[QUOTE]KD - I do remember douchette. Good luck with her at your wedding. I guess at least if she is pregnant she won't be making a drunken scene at your wedding.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

Good point!

loves2shop4shoes

My cousin is dating a douche.  They've been together for like 7 years or something like that.  They own an apartment together and have a dog.  Her BF hits her AND cheats on her.  They share a computer at home and he left his emails open and he was responding to Craigslist hooker ads!  He also pocket dialed her once and she listened to him tell his buddy in graphic detail how he cheated on her in China and how their "relationship is over...she just doesn't know it yet."  

One time he beat her up so badly she called me and asked me to go over because she was afraid of being alone if he came home.  I forced her to go to the police and put it on record.  She had two black eyes, a split lip, and broken ribs (from when he kicked her while she was down).

She won't leave him.  I think at this point, he's ruined her self esteem and she truly doesn't believe she can do any better.  She's a wonderful, smart person...and not to mention BEAUTIFUL.  Any guy would be lucky to have her and it just breaks my heart that she can't see that.

leia1979

I feel so bad for your cousin, Loopy. That sounds abusive to me. That guy is way worse than just a douche.

loopy82

Cal- I never go to their house. I really only do see my cousin a few times each year. Luckily because of the douche's work schedule I rarely see him when I see her. In the instances that I do see him I avoid him. I know my mom has tried talking to her about his behavior. It doesn't go anywhere.

Well I am posting and running. Time for happy hour.

motoLyn

My Ex-BF was a douche.  I'm a pretty out going, social person and I consider myself feisty.  But the EX had such a loud mouth and personality that he was able to dominate my personality and pretty mold me into a quiet withdrawn person in public.  My BFF told me that she didn't even know who I was anymore and where the old ME went.  The man could talk BS with the best of them.  He would go out and have fun and do what he like anytime he wanted and if heaven forbid that I wanted to go out with one of my girlfriends for dinner I would get the third degree questioning, curfew and guilt trip. 

The wake up call was one long holiday weekend when he had to go Vegas to take care of some business and I was out with my BF and fell back into my old self and a light bulb went off and I was like "Whoa! Where have you been hiding old Lyn?" So that weekend I left the douche and haven't looked back. 

So its a terrible thing to hear that your cousin is prisoner to this domineering idiot.  I hope that when you order those pics and send them to your cousin its followed up with a family public inquiry that you hope she enjoys it and that its displayed out in the open for all to see.

[Deleted User]

My Best friend (aka my 'sister') of 20+ years is with a total douche! They've been together for 11 years, her daughter is 10 and he has NEVER had a job... He had a job when they met and while she was pregnant but then he lost his job and he hasnt had anything steady since then... He does 'odd jobs' here and there, supposedly. Four years ago her brother and mother passed away within 6 months of each other and he wasnt supportive at all. She put her mothers house up for sale and bought a new one when neither of them had a job. Then, she went an got a job for $10 an hour and he still just sits on his ass.

Before I started dating BF, I was single for 3 years because I had been hurt really bad by my previous relationship and I WANTED to be alone. Every time we wanted to go out to dinner or a movie (I'm not a party girl type so dinner was the most exciting thing we ever did) he would call 100 times and that was only after he fought with her that she wasnt 'allowed' to go out...

The stories go on and on...

but the worst part is that I haven't spoken to my best friend in so long because I just can't take the BS anymore. I think she is stupid for wanting to marry him and more importantly, have another baby with him when he can't even support the first one... and when I express it to her she doesnt want to hear it... so I gave up and stopped calling her... Obviously, it doesnt bother her too much because she hasnt called me either... *SHRUG*

Istremene

This happens by small degrees.  And yes, it is abuse.  My advice is remain there for her as much as you can.  Cutting her off from her friends and family and any form of support network keeps her alienated and alone.  When you (as I was) are in the middle of something like that you cannot see how life used to be or anything beyond where she is.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_yeah-hes-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bfe5eb2b-a00a-443f-958b-49864a7f45daPost:b285a790-40c4-48e2-9318-3bf71d3ea792">Re: Yeah he's a douche.....</a>:
[QUOTE]He has always been kind of douchey - but at first I attributed it to him and I just not seeing eye to eye (seeing as that there is about a 10 year age difference - note: my cousin is 5.5 years older than I am.) It has definitely gotten much much worse after each kid was born. Oh and I forgot to add. He has tried to prevent her from seeing her immediate family. I am not fully sure if she listens to him all the time about that one. Cal - That is what I told my mom this morning - that I was going to order the picture for her. I then followed it up by he would probably throw it away if he found it. KD - I do remember douchette. Good luck with her at your wedding. I guess at least if she is pregnant she won't be making a drunken scene at your wedding.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

This sounds exactly like my sisters husband (in the process of divorcing).  He was about 80% ok before they got married and had a baby, and an ass about 20% of the time.  He flip flopped as soon as their son was born.  She's sort of upset about the divorce only because they have been together for 10 years and have a son together, but obviously with his doucheyness, it's totally for the best.

loopy82

I do hope that she is able to snap out of it and put him in his place. As much as I want her to give him a big FU - I also understand the point of people are going to do what people are going to do irregardless of better advice. I do believe that you have to be ready, willing and able to make a change in order to do so. I hope for her sake that she realizes it sooner than later.

Tula214

I had an exbf like that. If I wanted to hang out with a group it had to be him and his friends, not my own. Everything revolved around him. (Luckily FI made me realize I was with a douche, and I got out of that relationship)

On a worse note, my FMIL is the douche. Everything has to be done her way, or it can't be done at all. You have to hate everyone she hates. FI's sisters (younger teens) have to ask to do EVERYTHING; watch tv, play video games, eat, GET A DRINK. My FFIL won't do something if she disagrees. This has made some things so hard for me, but especially for FI.

Blue & White

It's been touched on a little bit in this thread already, but I think it's especially important for those of us that have friends/relatives in abusive relationships that we let them know we're THERE, AVAILABLE, and ABLE to talk.

You can't really get someone out of an abusive relationship without their permission, but it's a REALLY hard thing to do.  And it takes something like an average of leaving 5 or so times.

I hate that there is so much violence in the world. 

[Deleted User]

I feel sad for your cousin Loopy.  I think it's hard for women who haven't been in abusive relationships to truly understand her thinking.  I was once in a very abusive relationship.  Before that I never could understand why women stayed and put up with it and even at times said "Well it's their fault.  They should just leave!"  My opinion changed greatly after I was in the situation.  I've always been a very strong and independent woman, but while in an abusive relationship your mentality just...changes.  You keep thinking "Oh, he'll change" or "It must be my fault, I have to be doing something wrong".  You go through all sorts of different emotions and like others have said, it is REALLY hard to get out of the relationship.  The best advice I can give is to be there for her.  Make sure she knows you're always there to listen and that you would help her if the time came where she wanted to leave.  I know it is really hard at times and there will be times where you'll say to yourself "I give up! If she can't be strong enough to leave, then I don't want to hear her complain."  But just remember, she is going through alot of emotional abuse and if not already, probably physical at some point. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_yeah-hes-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bfe5eb2b-a00a-443f-958b-49864a7f45daPost:2157ddd1-6536-48ab-8485-5d46a48e84d6">Re: Yeah he's a douche.....</a>:
[QUOTE]It's been touched on a little bit in this thread already, but I think it's especially important for those of us that have friends/relatives in abusive relationships that we let them know we're THERE, AVAILABLE, and ABLE to talk. You can't really get someone out of an abusive relationship without their permission, but it's a REALLY hard thing to do.  And it takes something like an average of leaving 5 or so times. I hate that there is so much violence in the world. 
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

THIS.  Very, very true B&W

SassyBrass

I feel very sorry for all these ladies. They all sound like they are good people, in a bad situation. It's not uncommon. I mean, look how many people have responded with their own story or one of a person they know.
It's always easy to look in from the outside and just wonder why they don't simply leave. The best thing I can say is that you're watching someone in an abusive relationship continue down this path is always make it known that you love them and that you are reliable if they ever need you. Don't trash talk their SO to them, it won't make them feel they can do better, they will only get defensive.
I had read a book a couple years back, If I Am Missing Or Dead. Look it up online, there's a website and it has resources for women in abusive relationships. Anything to give anyone observing this an advantage to help.

The only douche I have to see on a regular basis is this customer of mine. He's always talking down to his girlfriend, who is a very timid lady. One time, he grabbed her as he led her to their seat. I don't know what he'd said to her quietly, but she had her head down the rest of the time. He's not a nice person in general.  I don't mess with people's food, but I am always tempted to drop a cleaner tablet in his coffee.