Please, it's my wedding!!!

soontobewallace

I have to vent... My mom who is paying for our wedding (and frequently reminds me of this) is driving me crazy. We will have been engaged for 16 months by our wedding which is on October 3rd. Brad and I have been nothing but thankful and appreciative of her. We wanted a wedding on a beach somewhere far far away with our best friends and family. She said no. So we agreed that we wanted something laid back and small with maybe 100 guests tops. 159 Invitations(about 300 people) later, we are now having an insane over the top, unforgetable affair!! Almost any idea that we say, she will quickly repeat as if it were her own. I just want to cry every time she does, and I try hard to find things that I know would suprise him or that he would love. But to everyone else it was her!Brad can even see it!!! I have to nod my head and smile and say "great idea" or the occasional "I already said that(after the 50th time in one day)". I have a hundred other things that I could tell about, but I try not to let it bother me. I just want to scream, "You have already done this twice... for yourself , get off it!!!" I have suprisingly, maintained my composure this far but I dont know how much more I can take!! **Brad made arrangements for us to have a ceremony on the beach at sunset by ourselves while we are on our honeymoon. He tried to keep it a suprise, that didnt work!!!How incredibily romantic is that??** Anyways my question is...Is this normal? Has it happened to any of you Only 29 days till our wedding!!!!!!! -mrssoontobewallace

Stackeye210

Unfortunately if she is the pocket book, then you have to deal with it.  I think it's kind of lame to throw it in your face over and over - - but if you wanted a wedding exactly how you thought it should be then you would have had to pay for it yourself.  Just suck it up like you have been and keep being appreciative for the opportunity for a fancy wedding that she has given you.  By the time our wedding arrived I knew exactly why they have honeymoons!!!  It isn't to celebrate the love, it's to disappear from all the craziness that was wedding planning (lol, ok, maybe it's for both reasons).  It will all soon be just a memory.  So pick your battles and enjoy the dya.

trix1223

If you wanted the wedding YOU wanted, then you needed to pay for it.  This is what happens when you're willing to take the money without checking first if it means that "she who pays, says".FWIW:  We gave our DD a large sum of money for her wedding.  We asked only one thing:  an open bar.  The rest of the wedding was hers to plan and pay for.  If she wanted something that would cost more than we gave her, they could pay the rest. If she wanted something less, she could keep the $$.  She ended up with a wedding completely in the budget we gave her.But......we all knew what was up going in.  You apparently didn't.  So don't completely blame your mom.  This conversation should have happened 16 months ago.

MJsGirl09

I can see how you would want to make the decisions yourselves but I would be so excited if my mom was paying for ALL of our wedding.  She is helping a bit but for the most part it is all on us. 

ffmaid

You have sold your say for her money. Either pay and take back your say or ask mom nicely and maybe but you gave up your say for cash.  

Leah&Christian09

I hate it when other people won't let me dictate how they spend their money!

kimnelson09

Same thing happened with my wedding. My dad gave us a budget of how much he was willing to contribute with the promise that was the extent of his involvement. We were under the impression that it was a gift. When we started making plans, I wanted to include him since he had graciously given us the money. He hated all of my ideas, changed our venue, our baker, dictated everything down to the centerpieces, and I'm surprised that I got to pick out my own dress and keep my groom, to be honest. Irony of ironies, our wedding wound up being four times our initial budget, and it wasn't because of us. Right or wrong, parents sometimes think that if they give you the money, they get the final say. It's a gift, but it comes with strings. If you want the wedding that you want, you have to be the one to shell out. That's really the only way to avoid it entirely. Think about it this way, if you did fork up the money and had it your way, and then your mom started trying to inject her opinion, wouldn't you remind her that it was your check, so it was your opinion that counts? To be completely honest, I really wish that DH and I had nipped this in the bud and refused his gift at the first sign of dadzilla. We both resent the fact that our wedding really wasn't a reflection of us and was more for show than anything else (my dad literally said that he didn't care how the cake tasted, he just wanted it to look pretty). In the long run, we would have been happier.

donnycornelius

The others are correct.   If she is paying, she gets to do things her way.   Sure, it would be fantastic if she gave you the handout and said, "do whatever you want", but that's not generally the case.   So yes, what she's doing is probably pretty normal for parents who are footing the bill.   There may be variations in the amount of control they exert, but it's there nonetheless.  If you had wanted ultimate control, you should have paid for everything yourself. 

Lhalsey315

Then you should have paid you this wedding yourselves. Thee who holds the purse stings holds the power.

Chaotickiss

If parents want to give a GIFT of money, it's just that a gift and shouldn't be used as ransom to get what they want.  I think it's unfortunate when parents do this and many couples put up with it...by the time they realize what's going on it's too late to say "hey thanks for the gift and we'll try to accomodate your guest list but we'd like to pick out our own entertainment, thanks!" ..... have to nip it in the bud from early on in the planning.   If parents at that point have their own bridezilla meltdown, I'd refuse the $$$.   It shouldn't be used as ransom, that's bullchit.

duckie1905

My mom who is paying for our wedding (and frequently reminds me of this) is driving me crazy. Sorry but this is what happens when you don't pay for your wedding.  This isn't a gift to you, she is footing the bill for your party.  You don't have any right to dictate how she spends her own money.

sbily2010

i guess this post reminds me of my first car. my mom was very excited that she found a car for me she never asked if i like it or anything like that. Well 6 years later she still feels like the bigest itch because she didn't realise that i hated it. And the whole time i had the car i never said anything because i was grateful to my parents.  i will say it again though anyone who wants to chip in on your wedding is doing it because they value you (and will value your opinon). Sometimes they just get tunnel vision doing it and just have to be kindly reminded.

EAJ2011

Look your mom may be paying for your wedding, but you should be able to suggest how you would like things. My parents are paying for my wedding but they do not see that as a way to dictate how things must be. Everyone else on here will tell you to deal with it b/c it's not your money, but this is the day that you will remember forever so you want it to be special to you. At this point there is not much you can do since there is less than a month to your wedding. Be gracious and enjoy the fact that your mom wanted to do this for you.

noelle24

I DISAGREE WITH EVERYONE WHO SAYS IF YOU HAVE OTHERS PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING THEN THEY GET TO MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS!!!!!Like, O..M...G...!!! How DARE someone make the decisions about what to do with their own money!!!!!*footstomp*I agree that the mother is being biitchy by making all of the decisions, and presumably parents would care about what their children want for their own wedding.But the bottom line is that you can NEVER, NEVER, dictate to someone else what they do with their own money.  If you want absolute control, PAY FOR THE DAMN WEDDING YOURSELF.

faith194

My aunt was commenting how great and personal our wedding was(we paid for our wedding ourselves, we got to make the decisions about it). She said her wedding was paid by her parents(she married my mom's brother), so they made all the decisions. 23 years later, she realizes that her wedding was a party for her parents. Their friends were invited, the food was what they wanted, the band was what they and their friends liked, so on and so forth. Since my aunt and uncle wanted to get married, didn't have the money to throw the event they wanted, they gave up and let the parents pay for it. They realized they were getting married, but it was a party for the bride's parents.  Yeah. So, if you want a wedding that you want, then you need to tell mom that you don't want her money and plan the way you want it. It sounds like the whole this paid for, though, and invites are out. . .Not sure what to tell you. Be grateful you are getting a pretty pretty princess day with 300 of your nearest and dearest(I realize, most of them are not your nearest and dearest, but your mom's)? Many brides would love that opportunity.Have fun. Be grateful you aren't footing any money for this affair. In the end you will be married, and that really is all that counts.

Audrey_03

I don't know about anyone else, but in some situations you can't refuse an "offer" to help pay for the wedding without seriously insulting the party making the offer, and possibly causing a grudge/bad-blood type of deal that will haunt you for years. As for the OP, regardless of whether or not you were even able to decline her offer, you just have to suck it up. If it's that important to her, let her do it her way. Right or wrong, it's not worth the fight or the ill will it will cause to make your point.

clseale13

Ok...Yes, it's her money. However, I'm so tired of people thinking that this automatically means it's normal behavior for the mother to act this way. The fact that she is helping is nice, but not if she constantly holds it over your head. If I knew she was being this way I would have said "No thank you...we'll do a small wedding and cover the costs." That would be the easiest option for you...but I still think it's crappy that she's doing this. I guess I'm very lucky that my mom 1) wants to cover about 90% of the wedding and 2) DOES actually see this as her gift to us. She would never want me to have a wedding that I wasn't happy w/just because it's how SHE would want it. I ask her opinions and include her in the planning but she basically has the mentality of, "just tell me what needs to be paid when. When the money runs out...it's out and you can cover anything from there." How shitty is it if it comes w/all sorts of strings attached? I know it's a risk you run by accepting the financial assistance but it's still selfish and controlling to dangle that over their heads.

sammyjo0320

Yes, it is her money, but it is YOUR wedding. Brides parents are usually the ones to pay for the wedding..but not control it. You should get what YOU want..not what she wants. My mother is paying for our wedding in October yet she is letting us control what happens. I think you need to have a talk with your mom and explain to her how you are feeling. If you just sit back and dont say anything, it will continue and then come wedding day, you arent happy.

duckie1905

I'm tired of brides thinking that just because it is their wedding that they get the right to dictate how everyone around them spends their money.  It is great if the parents see it as a gift but one simple fact remains: He who has the checkbook has the control.Regardless of the fact that it is the bride's "spayschul day" it is still the mother's money.  You don't get to tell your parents how to spend their money on non-wedding things so why is it appropriate to tell them how to spend money on wedding-related things?  It is such blanant entitlement to believe that you should get to dictate how an adult spends their money.Are there more adult and better ways for the mother to behave?  Yes.  But that doesn't change the fact that her desire to spend her money how she is wants is not only completely justified but also completely understandable.

sammyjo0320

Its not the mothers wedding though. its fine to give your opinions..but not control. they have had their weddings. its not being selfish..its YOUR wedding day..and because of this it is now your mothers wedding day as well.

sammyjo0320

You guys are all ridiculous! not having a choice on her dress?!?!!? are you kidding me?!?! this is just crazy talk..

duckie1905

But the OP does have a choice. She chose to accept her mother's money, strings and all. If she wants anything different and her mother refuses to pay for it (yes, OMG, even a dress), then she needs to pay for it herself. I NEVER understood why brides having their wedding paid for see this as such a foreign concept.  If you want something pay for it yourself.  If someone else is paying they make the decisions and hold the control unless they relinquish it to you or someone else.  Why is it that in every other aspect of their parents' lives it is inappropriate to tell them what to do with their money but when it comes to their weddings they suddenly believe they should have control of the checkbook.It makes me wonder what else these types of brides expect from their parents, family, and friends in the name of "my spayschul day."

casso004

It seems that you are the most upset about the fact that she takes credit for your ideas. If it bothers you...talk to her about it. Otherwise, just realize that you are the one stressing yourself out because you are all worked up about something that doesn't really matter. You are getting married in a month. Don't worry about all those little things that you won't even remember 2 years from now. Just enjoy this time and get things ready for your wedding. You are making this harder than it has to be, honey.