So I don't thread-jack...

Salsera29

I originally posted this as a comment and then realized I was totally thread-jacking, so I figured I'd start my own thread...Snarky thoughts confession...

I'm a BM in my best guy friend's wedding a week before mine. He and I are extremely close, but I'm not close with the bride or any of her friends. I have an email in my inbox right now from the MOH saying, "Hey girls, do you have any ideas for the shower/bachelorette party? I was thinking games like x,y,z...Also I'm thinking date a and date b, do these work for you guys?" Well, first of all, x and y sound like slow torture to me (and two other girls already responded with "Yay! Great! Let's do that!), so I'm going with the "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Second, I'm going to let the BM who are actually HER friends plan her party. Third, I'm not comfortable committing to two Saturdays in June yet when my wedding is in July. Maybe when it gets closer and I have more done I will be ok with it, but I'm not committing to anything now. 

Oh, and I forgot the fourth. One of the other BMs is one of my least favorite people. I have to smile pretty and pretend I don't want to slap her for the wedding and the RD, I'm just not sure I have it in me for two other events. Maybe one, probably not two. 

What it comes down to is, I'm trying to think of a nice way to answer and I just haven't gotten around to it yet. So I haven't answered her email. 

(I realize sound really snarky. Maybe I am, but I want to add that when it was time to order the BM attire, I did so enthusiastically and immediately. We were not asked for a budget and they were $250 + shipping (cheap for what they are I guess, but a lot regardless). I also got an email from MOH asking about hair, which I answered right away. )

I think the problem is, I get the impression that the bride and her friends have all these ideas about "duties" and what I am and am not supposed to be doing as a BM. It's making me resentful. 

I'm trying to think of the best way to say, "Hey I'm happy to attend the shower, and maybe the bachelorette, but I really don't care what you do for either of these things. I'm not participating in anything involving pinning anything on a naked man, nor will I be coming up with dares for the bride to do at a bar." 

misssunshine17

Are you standing on the grooms side? If not, I'm not sure why you would have accepted being a BM.

Salsera29

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-i-dont-thread-jack?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:bfa1f320-f1e9-45b5-85d7-f4363d49b5c9Post:60c6fc04-7a90-451b-9177-bf6f9fafe252">Re: So I don't thread-jack...</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you standing on the grooms side? If not, I'm not sure why you would have accepted being a BM.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

<div>No, I'm standing on her side. Honestly it never occurred to me that I could stand on his side, and I'm sure it never occurred to her either. Every WP I've been in was by gender regarless of the relationsip. He is standing on FI's side in my wedding. I hope someone reads my post and realizes why this is a bad idea before they make the mistake. </div>

misssunshine17

Okay, it's just odd to me if you don't have a relationship with her. You should consider moving your friend to your side, now knowing that you're uncomfortable with it.

I would just respond and say that you're swamped with X, Y & Z and you're unable to help plan any of these parties. I personally wouldn't attend since I think it would be awkward since you're choosing not to help.

ETA: also since you're upset about the dress (I would be, too!) I hope that means you're being more gracious to your bridal party. I feel like people often think when you're they bride, they forget when they weren't treated well in BPs.

Salsera29

I'm not upset about the dress, it's beautiful and I won't get a chance to wear anything like it again. I was just using that to illustrate that I'm not actually being a jerk, despite my lack of enthusiasm for the pre-wedding parties. 

Just to clarify...you think that if I don't help plan the parties, that I shouldn't go? Do you mean help plan or help pay for, or both? I agree it would be wrong to go as a guest if the other girls are paying, but I was thinking that I would help pay, just not help plan. 

I was definitely considerate of my BM, thankfully did that one right. 

ETA: Luckily, my FI and guy friend are pretty good friends. The three of us often hang out together, so I think it's ok for him to stand on his side, but I will talk to him about it. 

ETA again: How about..."Hey MOH! I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be since I'm swamped planning our wedding, but keep me in the loop and I'll do what I can." 

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-i-dont-thread-jack?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:bfa1f320-f1e9-45b5-85d7-f4363d49b5c9Post:590a2952-62a8-4ba1-8fa1-665870b4529b">Re: So I don't thread-jack...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not upset about the dress, it's beautiful and I won't get a chance to wear anything like it again. I was just using that to illustrate that I'm not actually being a jerk, despite my lack of enthusiasm for the pre-wedding parties.  Just to clarify...you think that if I don't help plan the parties, that I shouldn't go? Do you mean help plan or help pay for, or both? I agree it would be wrong to go as a guest if the other girls are paying, but I was thinking that I would help pay, just not help plan.  I was definitely considerate of my BM, thankfully did that one right.  ETA: Luckily, my FI and guy friend are pretty good friends. The three of us often hang out together, so I think it's ok for him to stand on his side, but I will talk to him about it.<strong>  ETA again: How about..."Hey MOH! I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be since I'm swamped planning our wedding, but keep me in the loop and I'll do what I can." </strong>
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I like this.

</div>

AddieCake

I agree not to attend the parties and just let them know you're swamped with your own wedding planning. When you ARE around them, I would be as friendly as possible so it doesn't look like you don't want to be with them at all. 

MrsGandthebeag

Just tell them you're too busy with your own wedding to help with anything.  I wouldn't bother trying to make the parties.  

Salsera29

Thank you for the advice ladies! I feel better after my rant, and I will definitely use one of the replies you suggested. Thanks!

Peledreamsofrain

I think it would be entirely reasonable to go to one party to make a show of effort, and not the other.  Since you are most worried about what will happen at the bachelorette party, then I'd skip that one.  She probably wouldn't even miss you since you aren't friends anyway (not meant to be harsh, just truth).

Missing the shower is a bit more touchy with most brides, that's why I suggest making an effort to go.  That way she doesn't go whining to your friend about what a meanyhead you are.

Just my thoughts on the subject.

Salsera29

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-i-dont-thread-jack?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:bfa1f320-f1e9-45b5-85d7-f4363d49b5c9Post:c15df75e-9c8d-4c57-a357-6752e7511fb0">Re: So I don't thread-jack...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it would be entirely reasonable to go to one party to make a show of effort, and not the other.  Since you are most worried about what will happen at the bachelorette party, then I'd skip that one.  She probably wouldn't even miss you since you aren't friends anyway (not meant to be harsh, just truth). Missing the shower is a bit more touchy with most brides, that's why I suggest making an effort to go.  That way she doesn't go whining to your friend about what a meanyhead you are. Just my thoughts on the subject.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks...that's kinda what I was thinking. If I go to one I won't look like a jerk, and the shower will definitely be better than the bachelorett. Plus there will be more people there so I can avoid the other BM. </div><div>
</div><div>I eamiled the MOH with a combination of all your advice, and it sounds like she's fine with me not being too involved in planning. Maybe she's relieved! </div>