here's the email I just sent...

number55

background: my brothers are 23 and 28 and have a lot of drama going on with my dad right now. My father has FINALLY cut them off financially, which is difficult for them since neither has any real education beyond high school or any real job experience (despite their ages). So now they are pretty much screwed since the younger one is working day to day with a video game testing company and the older one is on Employment Insurance after losing his job but is unwilling to look for work since he says he will make more on EI then at a crap job...his words, not mine...so here is the email I just sent them both:

hey boys...

Well the time has come to get down to the nitty gritty of it all...the wedding is about 6 weeks away and there is stuff that HAS to get done.

I have heard that your financial situations have changed in the recent months and I realize that our wedding could burden you further. So G and I spoke and we would be happy to carry the cost of your tuxes so that you can still be a part of the wedding party. Please know that I do not want to pressure you to either be in the wedding party or come to the wedding at all. Clearly I would want you there, you are my brothers and this is a pretty big day for me. But if you do not feel able to participate as wedding party member or even as a guest, just let me know. I am hoping that you received your invitations (I haven't received an online RSVP from either of you but I know the deadline hasn't come yet either).

So, your tuxes cost about $175 each with tax and G and I would take care of that. All you would have to do is take care of your transportation down here. Dad has covered your accommodations (although you need to know that there is ABSOLUTELY no smoking of any kind allowed in the Inn where you are staying and no drugs at all on property, to do so would jeopardize the whole wedding as the Inn is on the same property as the wedding will be taking place and they would be within their rights to cancel the whole thing).

So if you want to be in the wedding party I would need the following to happen:

- in the next two weeks (NO LATER), I would both of you to go to a place on Jean Talon to get fitted for your tuxes. 

- you would ideally arrive on Friday October 15th, no later than 5pm but if you couldn't arrive until the morning of Saturday the 16th by 10 am that would be fine too.

- you would wear your tuxes, usher guests, eat food, etc...that's it

If you want to just attend the wedding as a guest all you have to do is be ready to be here for the ceremony that begins at 3:45 on Saturday the 16th...a nice shirt, tie and dress pants would be dressy enough, with nice shoes (if you get the tuxes we will rent you shoes for an extra $20 if you don't have any nice black ones to wear).

So please please please read this and let me know ASAP, please don't make me chase you because I have way too many things to get done for the wedding before school starts and I am trying to keep the 'drama' down...G and I both want you there obviously but I don't want you to come out of obligation, we want you to want to be there and to be happy to participate

xoxoxo, Love you! M

I am interested to see what (if anything) I get back...sigh, between this and the bachelorette party drama I am beginning to find wedding planning to be a bit of a head ache...I am not worked up about it and if they drop out of the WP then that is their choice, I won't freak and we will have uneven sides (although FI was kinda mentioning a replacement GM yesterday but since he doesn't seem serious I decided not to argue with him that it would be ridiculous and rude...if he brings it up again I will).

number55

and yes, I realize that I told my brothers what to wear to my wedding...you would have to know them to know why I needed to do this. If they were just guests I wouldn't care what they wore but seeing as though they are my brothers and will have to be in at least a couple of photos I thought some details might help them...sigh...if there were a picture of a tree, my apple would be right below it and their apples would be across the street...

[Deleted User]

That sucks that you've got to worry about this, Number.

pirategal03

I'm sorry you've got to deal with this.  I think you've given them good options.  I hope they see what a great sister they have. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I think what you wrote is fine, girl.  Sorry that you're having to deal with drama though.

I'm stressing out too and I still have a little ways to go... but definitely feeling the pressure as well

[Deleted User]

Ah, the joys of family.

my stepbrothers didn't RSVP because they thought I just would have known they were coming. Anfd they asked my stepdad if they could wear board shorts and a shirt. Some guys need to be told how to dress.

raynes

Aw man, I hope they get back to you.  Flakes for brothers are no fun.

number55

you know the term 'hot mess'...that is the perfect term to describe my brothers. They are such an incredible hot mess that it is hard for me to really relate. I am SUCH a polar opposite to them in so many ways that it is difficult to imagine that we came from the same parents/upbringing...we are a true testament that it isn't all nurture, some of it MUST be nature!

I am NOT going to let this one issue destroy my wedding day. I am making it REALLY easy for them to attend. If they choose not to, that will be on them, not on me. We aren't as close as I would like but that is a two way street and I am only partially responsible for it. I would love to have them there but I don't want to be one of those brides who lets things that are out of her control get to her all the time. I can't control their decisions I can only control mine....

kd.joseph

I think you've given them every option. Most people wouldnt do that. And I understand the telling them how to dress part. I'm with Se, some guys (and girls) just dont get it.

Let us know if you get any response.

katiewhompus

People definitely showed up at my friend's very religious (but casual) wedding in cut off jeans and flannel shirts. Her parents were not happy.

Sadly I bet most people could get more off of unemployment than lower paying jobs though

MarriedInAFever

Sorry you have to deal with this, Number.

SarahPLiz

I think your email is about the calmest you could have been under the circumstances. I think mine would have been a bit more harsh. Way to go keeping your cool. I know it will hurt if they don't show. I'm sorry they are being such douches. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Also yeah, I don't think it's bad that you told them how to dress if you feel like they actually need to be told.  Sometimes I like to give people credit - but you know for sure when you can and when you can't.

Our groomsmen think we're taking a limo to a bar before we go to the reception so we can get blitzed before the grand entrance.  Yeah, I guess they'll be disappointed.

katiewhompus

I'm one who would be perfectly happy if every bride included a dress code with the invite You saw my posts when I went to the wedding a few weeks ago, I'm clueless. One of my friend's also kept sending me pictures of different dresses and asked which one she should wear to my wedding because she was so worried about getting it right.

jasmineh7777

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. It's very kind of you to offer to pay for their tuxes, and I don't think there is much more you can do. Hopefully they grow up and get it together for your wedding day.

Night_Sprite

I think you are handling this situation with a lot of grace, Numbers.  Make sure you update us to let us know how it turns out.  I'll cross my fingers and toes for you.

number55

Katie I just end up calling the bride to ask just how dressy it is because I don't want to be under OR over dressed. But I will actually take that initiative, I don't think everyone will. 

I find that with most of the 'etiquette' stuff related to what you can and can't put on an invite I don't really care what the bride or groom does. I would rather you tell me what to wear, if I can bring kids (not that I have any) and where they are registered...but that is me...so I still followed all the rules when I sent mine...

526SadieSadie

I think you've given them more than enough options and you're being very sensitive to their needs.  Other than what you've already written, I don't think there's more to say.  If the deadline you set isn't met by either of them, assume they aren't coming and let it be. 
The fact that you have to specifically tell them not to do drugs at your wedding says it all.  (although, admittedly, I've had to remind people that my sister is dating a police officer and they can't smoke pot at parties around him.  He's not a hard ass, but he doesn't need it waved in his face, either, ya know?)
It shows a lot of maturity on your part that you stayed level-headed about all of this, good for you.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_heres-email-just-sent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:441e939a-57d8-47e8-8697-f67a64eb3accPost:cff4c72f-a0c5-4143-bcef-27a4ce30bdbd">Re: here's the email I just sent...</a>:
[QUOTE]Katie I just end up calling the bride to ask just how dressy it is because I don't want to be under OR over dressed. But I will actually take that initiative, I don't think everyone will.  I find that with most of the 'etiquette' stuff related to what you can and can't put on an invite I don't really care what the bride or groom does. I would rather you tell me what to wear, if I can bring kids (not that I have any) and where they are registered...but that is me...so I still followed all the rules when I sent mine...
Posted by number55[/QUOTE]

Yeah, she included her registry info and I was like, eh, ok.

She also confused the crap out of me though because the rsvp was just

M______________

_ accepts with pleasure
_ declines with regret

I didn't see the invite envelope (Scott opened it and didn't think to look if it was addressed to both of us) but the reply was "The Whompus Family" so I wrote in both of our names. I was really hoping she wasn't going "Omg she wrote in an extra!" on the other end.