We don't want a bachelor(ette) party but no one is listening!

andra loves andre

Our group is friends like to party (very) hard, and whenever someone has had a bachelor(ette) party, it's been a disaster. Feelings have always been hurt, fights were started (physically and verbally), people got wayyyyy beyond drunk and got kicked out of the club, and even cheated on their significant others.

We stopped attending these parties a loooong time ago, specifically for these reasons. FH and I are not party-hard types, nor do we enjoy being in that environment. We've also cut back a bit on who we're friends with from that group.

The issue is that people are now trying to plan our bachelor(ette) parties, even though we've explicitly told people that we DO NOT want any. We're having an engagement party, and that's the only pre-wedding party we want. 

FBIL and his best friend (used to be a good friend of FH's we stopped hanging out with him because of the party-hard reason) are ALREADY planning FH's bachelor party (wedding is still 15 months away!). We told them we don't want bachelor(ette) parties, but fbil simply replied "Well it's my job to decide that, not yours", and when we tried to explain the reasons he said "well you don't have to worry about the money and if sh!t happens then just blame it on me". 

We both feel like no one is listending to what we don't want, and like it's more about what they want (we think FBIL and his "Friend" are just looking for an excuse to party hard again). And to be honest, I'm kind of getting miffed because I feel like neither my feelings nor fh's feelings matter to fbil and his entourage. It's making me stress out so bad, because drama's already starting over this party that neither of us wanted in the first place!

Any tips on how we can be more firm about this, so fbil REALLY understands that we mean NO? Luckily, my friends have been a lot more understanding about it, so far... 

deanabuonincontri

You have both expressed to your friends that you do not want bachelor/bachelorette parties.  Each time it comes up, just remind the person that you do NOT want a party.  If they contiue to ignore your requests, when the time comes simply decline the invitation. Seems like you are doing all you can to reinforce that you do not want the parties. Try to put it out of your mind, they can plan all they want but they cannot make you or your fiance attend an outing you do not wish to attend. Stop stressing....also, you and fiance may want to re-evaluate who your "friends" are.

QueerFemme

I agree with Retread.  Be assertive and honest.  And you can add something like, we hope you don't go to the effort and expense to host a party that we don't want... and I hope you understand that if you do it anyway, we won't be attending.

elldee333

quick question....has most of the "no" telling come from you? I'm just thinking maybe FBIL thinks that FI really DOES want one, and that you're the one that is opposed. KWIM? Maybe instead of you even being part of the conversation, tell FI he needs to tell his brother. You have the convo with your BMs, let him handle his GM. Maybe they just think you're being "the crazy wife" and speaking for FI. (which I realized by your post that you're not, but obviously some guys have problems listening haha)

Ravenclaw79

It's their job to decide whether to throw a party, not yours... but it's your job to decide whether or not to go.  Be firm with them once: "This is not what we want, please do not throw us one, it's not our style and we don't want it."  If they persist, let them throw it -- just be clear that you won't be there.  If they still go ahead with it, you'll know that it's more about your friends wanting to party than about them wanting to celebrate your getting married.