Pre-wedding Parties
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Struggling...it's long...sorry

Okay, here is the "background information" on my current situation (pardon the rhyme).  My MOH (cousin) and 4 of my 5 BM (friends and sister-in-law, exception is friend living in Germany) have done nothing but fight with each other and send nasty emails back and forth with each other during the entire planning process of my bridal shower. This shower has been a disaster form the start (invitations went out really late and people (like my grandmother) were not sent an invite, they have fought over all of the food items, fought about what the favors would be, fought about having/not having games...the list goes on). All of them that are plannign the shower have called me, emailed me, text me etc. complaining about each other the entire time. I have stayed as neutral as possible in something I shouldn't even be involved in in the first place. I thought my job was to show up with my fiance (it's a co-ed shower) on the date and on time, but I have been shoved in the middle of everything no matter how many times I told them I didn't want to hear it. This has been overwhelming and very stressful. I sent an email yesterday thanking them all and today in return, one of them came to my house to yell at me about not knowing  the head count for the shower (guests rsvp to the MOH) and my MOH snapped at me for telling her people that called me to rsvp (I was trying to give them a correct head count). Now that I'm done ranting...on to the struggling piece. I am struggling with whether or not to say something to them after the shower is over. What do you think? Also, I know the topic of the  bach party will come up and at this point they have ruined that for me. I don't want to spend that kind of time with all of them together and I really feel like I should tell them that and tell them why. I also have contemplated having a bach party on the sly when my BM from Germany comes home and just not invite any of them. Is that crossing a line? I'm grateful for the shower, but not the drama. I just can't take any more. Thoughts?

Re: Struggling...it's long...sorry

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    rraven2718rraven2718 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay, here is the "background information" on my current situation (pardon the rhyme).  My MOH (cousin) and 4 of my 5 BM (friends and sister-in-law, exception is friend living in Germany) have done nothing but fight with each other and send nasty emails back and forth with each other during the entire planning process of my bridal shower. This shower has been a disaster form the start (invitations went out really late and people (like my grandmother) were not sent an invite, they have fought over all of the food items, fought about what the favors would be, fought about having/not having games...the list goes on). All of them that are plannign the shower have called me, emailed me, text me etc. complaining about each other the entire time. I have stayed as neutral as possible in something I shouldn't even be involved in in the first place. I thought my job was to show up with my fiance (it's a co-ed shower) on the date and on time, but I have been shoved in the middle of everything no matter how many times I told them I didn't want to hear it. This has been overwhelming and very stressful. I sent an email yesterday thanking them all and today in return, one of them came to my house to yell at me about not knowing  the head count for the shower (guests rsvp to the MOH) and my MOH snapped at me for telling her people that called me to rsvp (I was trying to give them a correct head count). Now that I'm done ranting...on to the struggling piece. I am struggling with whether or not to say something to them after the shower is over. What do you think? Also, I know the topic of the  bach party will come up and at this point they have ruined that for me. I don't want to spend that kind of time with all of them together and I really feel like I should tell them that and tell them why. I also have contemplated having a bach party on the sly when my BM from Germany comes home and just not invite any of them. Is that crossing a line? I'm grateful for the shower, but not the drama. I just can't take any more. Thoughts?
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't say anything.  What will it accomplish? 

    Don't have a secret b-party with the friend from Germany.  She just go lucky avoiding the drama because she's not local.

    If you don't want a b-party, then just decline the offer.

    But I'd say be the bigger person here.  Your BMs are acting childish.  There's not reason for you to join them in the playpen.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just wanted to say I'm sorry.  I agree with Trix - your bridesmaids are behaving very childishly.  I'd decline any bachelorette party offers to avoid any further drama.  I wouldn't say anything to them about the shower and just try to keep any more planning on their collective shoulders to a minimum.

    I'd also be very clear about the rehearsal and wedding plans (where the rehearsal is, what time you all are getting ready, time be at the church etc.) so they don't have to deal with each other (asking/answering questions).  It's probably best that they all function independently now.
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    rraven2718rraven2718 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Trix...thanks for pointing out that by saying something I'd only be joining them in "the playpen". I didn't think about it that way and I have NO desire to sink to their level. My BM in Germany probably did escape the drama only because of the distance.

    Joy...good point about making rehearsal plans and wedding day things well known to them in advance. I agree that the less they contact each other the better.

    Here's hoping that the next 8 weeks stay relatively drama free and thanks for the input!
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    rraven:  one of my favorite saying is that you can't control what other people do.  You can only control how you respond to their actions.

     Sounds like you're on the right track to enjoying the next 8 weeks.  Don't let their childishness (is that a word?) affect the next couple of months for you.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    ChandraDeeChandraDee member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow - So sorry you have to deal with this!  I would honestly react to each of them as they deserve rather than putting them all in the same boat.  I am assuming they aren't all difficult, argumentative people all of the time.  Usually there is one or two in a group that adds the drama. 

    Regardless, you don' t have much time left.  If you want a bachelorette party, tell them only if they can plan one without fighting...or, better yet, allow you to plan it (if you are up for that) or someone who is not in the group.  You are the bride - you can assign someone to do the planning (like BM from Germany?) 

    Good luck and try to make the best of it!
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_strugglingits-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:8bf94c21-7155-46b0-b136-ab67b3fa3799Post:47ab7168-bcd9-47f0-ab46-c9d1f9d4714c">Re: Struggling...it's long...sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow - So sorry you have to deal with this!  I would honestly react to each of them as they deserve rather than putting them all in the same boat.  I am assuming they aren't all difficult, argumentative people all of the time.  Usually there is one or two in a group that adds the drama.  Regardless, you don' t have much time left.  If you want a bachelorette party, tell them only if they can plan one without fighting...or, better yet, allow you to plan it (if you are up for that) or someone who is not in the group.  You are the bride - you can assign someone to do the planning (like BM from Germany?)  Good luck and try to make the best of it!
    Posted by ChandraDee[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, this is bad advice.  You don't plan the party if you're the bride.  You can decline a party if you don't want one, but you don't throw your own party in your own honor.  And you don't "assign" someone to throw you a party either.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    rraven2718rraven2718 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, I do have to put them all in the same "sinking ship" together. Not a single one of them has been any better than the others. :-( (minus Germany BM, but we will see how that goes when she gets here next month). As for the bachelorette party, of course I would like one, but I have enough to do without planning it myself. I would like to ask them to plan it without fighting, but I've asked them over and over again during the shower process to stop fighting and/or leave me out of it when they do. Neither one of those things has happened. When I weigh the whole thing out, bachelorette party vs. no fighting and decreased stress level...I'm going with the decreased stress level. I must say that I didn't see this whole thing coming and once this wedding is over, I may be holding a grudge for awhile. Until then, I will be deep breathing my way through this shower on Saturday and hoping that Karma does it's job.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    good luck Saturday, raven.  Hope it all comes together fine.  Just remember to share the joy of the people who are there to celebrate with you, and don't let those who would be so childish take your attention away from the good stuff.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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