'Covering your plate'

LauraT25

I saw this mentioned a couple of posts down, and it reminded me of a conversation my coworkers and I were having the other day.  Basically someone said they'd always heard you should 'cover the cost of your plate' when buying a gift, but how on earth do you know what that might be?  As in, I'm fairly certain my friends and most of our families have no clue how much we're spending per person, and I'd be hard-pressed to guess about previous weddings I've attended (especially before I was shopping around myself).Maybe I'm just not as used to thinking about it since cash gifts aren't the norm where I'm from.  Obviously you can kind of guess based on the formality, but I give something of roughly the same cost for every wedding (unless I'm really close to the couple), and I don't really think about the couple's budget.  I'm not trying to judge or anything, I know this sort of thing really varies, I'm just genuinely curious about how you might determine this.

Leah&Christian09

I'd never heard of this until TK. My general rule is that the gift should be based on how much we can afford and how close we are to the couple. This is what I've always heard, too.

LauraT25

Leah, that's what I'm used to thinking too.  I hadn't heard otherwise until very recently - maybe the coworker who bought it up is also a Knottie.

duckie1905

This has always been the standard in my social circle for determining gifts. It was mostly a best guess kind of thing, though, and to my knowledge it never caused any problems if someone did follow it. I was raised to believe that you always gave a gift or money in an amount to equal or exceed the cost of a plate (or the family's plates). I do know that a few of the elderly guests that attended our wedding asked our parents ahead of time what a plate cost. I don't know about DH's family but my dad didn't care to share that information so he just told them to go with whatever made them comfortable.

LauraT25

Duckie - when the conversation came up, someone at the table asked three of us who are getting married how much we are paying per plate.  I told them it wasn't important because I don't expect gifts from poor graduate students, and I wasn't concerned about recouping our expenses, I just wanted everyone to have a good time.  I was honestly shocked to be asked that outright!

duckie1905

Yeah, I think that the age of the women (it was a grandmother and two elderly aunts) speaks to how far back the guideline goes in my family/social circle. I would never ask anyone that question and no one my age asked it either (to my knowledge). I remember my parents using it as a best guess guideline but I'm sure they never asked. But, just because of the influence they had over me I do try to use that as a general guideline but I usually take how much I can give as well as how well I know the couple into greater account than how much I think they are paying.

Kristin789

Retread is so so so right. And if you are still curious about how to figure out how much to spend on a wedding gift for someone, keep reading: Don't Spend Less Than $50 It's a bad idea to use the price-per-plate as a measure for how much you should spend on the wedding gift -- you wouldn't give your best friend a less expensive gift just because she was having a more casual affair. Spend what you think is appropriate to your relationship to the couple, and also consider what's reasonable in your city. Here's the ballpark you should be aiming for: Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: $50-$75 Relative or friend: $75-$100 Close relative or close friend: $100-$150+

Simply Fated

This is what I had been taught was proper etiquette. Not saying it is proper etiquette, only saying this is what is considered proper in my circle.As far as knowing how much was spent per plate, this usually isn't too difficult to figure out, especially if the reception is being held at a popular location. Again, not saying this is right... just what is considered right in my circle. Joining TK has blown my mind, siriusly.

LauraT25

I guess the reason I posted is because of the whole 'blow my mind' factor - that I could be raised thinking along the lines of Retread and Kristin, where something like this is an insanely rude way to think about things, but that to others it's completely the norm. I was starting to think I was left out of the loop and that there'd been a change in thinking.  Now I realize it's really just dependent on your circle, like so many things.

duckie1905

I am curious to know why you would think that something like this is rude on the part of the gift giver.  Unless they are inquiring as to the price of the wedding (money questions are never appropriate, IMO) why would the guest be considered rude for basing their gift on the cost of the plate?I totally understand the logic behind how this probably started.  It is common, though, in my social circle and was the way I was raised to give gifts at weddings.  I think it would be awful for a bride to expect that the guest's cover their costs but as long as it isn't expected and/or demanded of the guests (like getting an invoice) I don't see a problem with the guests doing it on their own.

LauraT25

I didn't mean it was rude to give a gift that you think covers the cost of your plate when I said it was a rude way of thinking.  I do think it's rude to expect someone to cover the cost of their plate, which seems to be the expectation in some areas.  I mean, isn't it implied that if 'it's what's always done', it's because it's expected of you in your community, if not specifically by the B&G?Also, the girl who brought it up at lunch is also getting married, so it did seem to imply that it's what she expects, though she didn't say it and may not have meant it that way at all.  Since it was a semi-foreign concept to me, it probably came off rude when it wouldn't to someone who is used to this idea.

duckie1905

Gotcha.Even though this is at least partially how I determine the appropriate gift for a wedding I never expected or demanded anyone do the same.  I suppose that's where I had the disconnect...even though I was raised to give gifts this way I was not raised to expect it be returned.

LauraT25

I think we're on the same page now.  Thanks for providing the other point of view here!

chosen175

I was taught from early on that covering the cost of your plate was just how it was done.  And I do still use it as a jumping off point when I am invited to a wedding.  It's not hard to estimate the amount per plate, based on location and whether or not a full meal is being served.  If I can afford more, I give more.  If I can't afford that amount, I give less.  If it was just a "courtesy invite" from someone I barely know, I usually decline and send a much smaller amount in a card.  But yes, when I'm invited to a wedding, one of the things I think about is how much the couple is spending pp and then I go from there.

saisongbird

While covering your plate may not be a rule, it is generally expected where I live. Around here, gifts are given for engagement parties and bridal showers, or are sent to the home prior to the wedding. At the actual wedding, no one brings a gift, they only bring cash. It's never been outright stated, but it's kind of an understood thing around here. It is right? No. Is it what we do? Yes.

LauraT25

Well I don't think there's necessarily a 'right', anyway.  Your post points out a lot of differences from where I grew up - I had never heard of an engagement party until TK, and most people bring gifts to the wedding.  Even if you're giving cash, a lot of people also bring something as well.  I read a post a month or so ago about how bringing gifts to the wedding is rude and I almost fell out of my chair.  So it's obvious that people are just raised differently depending on the customs in the area - unfortunately, people move around and I realized I'm the odd one out where I live now!

themidge

There are some old school people that do this - but you just have to guess what your plate might have been. So a couple attending a wedding may give the bride and groom $200 for a gift assuming the cost of the reception was $100 per head. I have heard of this before. Generally I think most people give what they want to and what they can afford. For example, a rich old aunt who doesn't have her own kids but is very close to the bride and groom might pleasantly surprise you with your gift. Your younger cousins that are still in college are probably broke and won't be able to give so much. You just have to be happy and greatful for whatever you get, people are as generous as their means allow.

themidge

"I read a post a month or so ago about how bringing gifts to the wedding is rude and I almost fell out of my chair. " I've heard of this before, too. The logic is that if you bring an actual present in a box instead of just an envelope, and so does everyone else, the family will have to carry all that stuff back, so decorum suggests you mail it to the couple's home instead.

LauraT25

Once I heard the 'logic', it sort of made sense, but by the same token I just don't see that it could be considered 'rude' so much as 'not as practical' to bring the gifts to the wedding.  I was under the impression that people expect gifts (often, they have gift tables set up) and arrange for them to be taken home so it's not really an issue.  Unless someone gets you furniture or something equally huge, it's pretty much the standard where I'm from not to come empty-handed.  That being said, now that I'm actually getting married I can see the merits of getting things shipped to my home much more clearly, though of course I wouldn't complain if I had to figure out a way to transport a bunch of gifts.

blondie82784

Ive been raised where you always give at least what the plate cost. If its around your area most people know what the plates are costing the couple. Gifts are given at the bridal shower and cash at the wedding. If I am involved in the wedding party I always give a little more because I know how much it cost them to have me in it and feel thats its a honor that they choose me to be in it. The best advise is to do what you can afford. I feel that its rude to go to a wedding and not give a gift if I was ever in that sitaution I wouldnt even go to the wedding. You should always give something

Crissyo

In my geographic area ( NY met area)...it is basically customary to cover the plate ( at least ).  That said, if you are spending more than $100 a plate which many people do then it is unlikely that everyone will give more than that...but you have to expect such.  Giving gifts at a wedding around me is not done...and people who do such are usually kind of scoffed at.  The gifts are for the bridal shower.  That's just the way it is.  I try to cover the cost of the plate, but if I know they didn't spend that much and its a good friend, Igive more.

alyson916

The "covering the plate" idea is definitely the norm in NJ.  The normal gift per couple is about $300.  I'm starting to realize that it all depends on what area of the country you are from... I've grown up under the assumption that you NEVER bring boxed gifts to a wedding only cash/check.

LauraT25

Yikes, $300?  While it's true that that's only a little more than what two plates costs at our reception (don't get me started), I wouldn't want anyone spending that much - and I also wouldn't want my guests knowing the cost per plate.  Many of them are paying for hotels, some even airfare, and a lot of people buy new clothes.  I don't want people spending a fortune on one night, just because I wanted to celebrate my wedding with them!  I'm with Retread (actually, I make less), and I just figure that people understand, since I definitely don't expect my fellow students to get me anything, or maybe something small.  I actually hope they don't spend a lot, because I would feel bad knowing that they're just as broke as we are.  Not that I expect big gifts from the rest of my guests, it's certainly not what it's about.