nieces, nephews & hurt feelings

jbouchard10132012

I am in need of dire advice. I thought I had my bridesmaids and flower girl chosen, however after a very stressful conversation with my oldest sister I'm majorly stressing out....
What i want to do is have my 3 sisters and 3 sister-in-laws be my bridesmaids with my "godchild" as my flower girl-  Godchild is in parenthesis because she has not been baptized, my sister in law is jewish and my brother is catholic... (She will be 4 at my wedding currently 2). I have two other nieces, that are currently 10 and 8 so they will be 12 and 10.. (in one family) , and two other nephews that are 3 months and 2 so they will be 2 and 4 (in one family) and i have one niece or nephew on the way with 3 sisters "trying"... My older sister was basically yelling at me telling me that I have to have all the kids in the wedding because they will be too hurt if just my godchild is. and that she isn't even my real godchild so why should I treat her differently...
I don't want to have a 20 person bridal party... I want to just have 1 flower girl and thats it What do you guys think? Am I being cruel?

divadancer11

Then you only have 1 FG.....my FI had to pick 1 RB out of his 3 nephews in which 2 are his god children. Are the other kids invited to the wedding? I think your sister needs to understand that it is your day and yelling at you isnt going to help. Do you have a very close friend who has a daughter? If you do, you should ask her to be your FG and then you can state that you didnt want to have to choose between all of your nieces....

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:0ecfaf22-603e-4937-bf20-d5f1742d9248">nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in need of dire advice. I thought I had my bridesmaids and flower girl chosen, however after a very stressful conversation with my oldest sister I'm majorly stressing out.... What i want to do is have my 3 sisters and 3 sister-in-laws be my bridesmaids with my "godchild" as my flower girl-  Godchild is in parenthesis because she has not been baptized, my sister in law is jewish and my brother is catholic... (She will be 4 at my wedding currently 2). I have two other nieces, that are currently 10 and 8 so they will be 12 and 10.. (in one family) , and two other nephews that are 3 months and 2 so they will be 2 and 4 (in one family) and i have one niece or nephew on the way with 3 sisters "trying"... My older sister was basically yelling at me telling me that I have to have all the kids in the wedding because they will be too hurt if just my godchild is. and that she isn't even my real godchild so why should I treat her differently... I don't want to have a 20 person bridal party... I want to just have 1 flower girl and thats it What do you guys think? Am I being cruel?
Posted by jbouchard10132012[/QUOTE]

Your sister is being a jerk. You get to choose your WP and she should not be treating you like this. As for the "real" godchild thing, we're not Catholic, but my FI definitely has a goddaghter. It may not be church ordained, but we treat her the same. I think your sister is being mean.

I get why your sister feels like you shouldn't pick a niece or nephew if there are others and all, but are you closer with your goddaughter? Is there anyone else, perhaps on FI's side, you could ask to avoid the niece/nephew pool?

If you want to stand by your choice, sit down with her again and calmly say you have made your decision. Be firm, but polite. Then don't back down. Change the subject. If she keeps bringing it up, remind her that the topic is closed.

divadancer11

Or if all of the kids are invited give them all a job to do at the ceremony....pass out programs, hand out bubbles. Or something along those lines to where you can make them all a part of it in a way where they all are not part of the WP. Have a special "kid" dance for them all....

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:d06119f0-d1b6-41a3-a642-96e37ce5720e">Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Or if all of the kids are invited give them all a job to do at the ceremony....pass out programs, hand out bubbles.</strong> Or something along those lines to where you can make them all a part of it in a way where they all are not part of the WP. Have a special "kid" dance for them all....
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]

I think this is fine for kids, because they generally enjoy helping out, but some of them may be too young based on the ages she mentioned. And I just wanted to warn you that these tasks are not favored here on these boards for adults (friends who aren't close enough to be a bridesmaid for example). They are a job more than an honor.

Remember OP (original poster), being a guest is an honor also.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:0ecfaf22-603e-4937-bf20-d5f1742d9248">nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in need of dire advice. I thought I had my bridesmaids and flower girl chosen, however after a very stressful conversation with my oldest sister I'm majorly stressing out.... What i want to do is have my 3 sisters and 3 sister-in-laws be my bridesmaids with my "godchild" as my flower girl-  Godchild is in parenthesis because she has not been baptized, my sister in law is jewish and my brother is catholic... (She will be 4 at my wedding currently 2). I have two other nieces, that are currently 10 and 8 so they will be 12 and 10.. (in one family) , and two other nephews that are 3 months and 2 so they will be 2 and 4 (in one family) and i have one niece or nephew on the way with 3 sisters "trying"... My older sister was basically yelling at me telling me that I have to have all the kids in the wedding because they will be too hurt if just my godchild is. and that she isn't even my real godchild so why should I treat her differently... I don't want to have a 20 person bridal party... I want to just have 1 flower girl and thats it What do you guys think? Am I being cruel?
Posted by jbouchard10132012[/QUOTE]

Is your sister paying for your wedding? If not, tell her to get bent. It's time for her and her precious snowflakes to learn that they aren't always going to make the team and get a participation trophy just because they exist.

divadancer11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:c60c7a04-ecdf-4013-a67c-0026148995e3">Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings : I think this is fine for kids, because they generally enjoy helping out, but some of them may be too young based on the ages she mentioned. <strong>And I just wanted to warn you that these tasks are not favored here on these boards for adults (friends who aren't close enough to be a bridesmaid for example).</strong> They are a job more than an honor. Remember OP (original poster), being a guest is an honor also.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

What is that suppose to mean? I am assuming that she picked all sisters and sister-in-laws as she didnt want to pick between friends so I dont think that would mean that they are not close enough to be a BM....

jbouchard10132012

My sister that was talkign to me doesn't even have any kids yet- so I know she isn't coming from a "my kids" standpoint. I'm the closest with my sisters and sister-in-laws hence why I'd like them in my BP. No friends becauseI didn't want to choose between them.  All the kids are invited to the ceremony & reception... Is giving them tasks okay- or is it saying you are important but not important enough? I was thinking of having the older girls hand out programs, and the boys hold signs saying something along the lines of "ceremony this way"..

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:f9e67d38-7c76-4ba2-b12c-89c21bffcf5a">Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister that was talkign to me doesn't even have any kids yet- so I know she isn't coming from a "my kids" standpoint. I'm the closest with my sisters and sister-in-laws hence why I'd like them in my BP. No friends becauseI didn't want to choose between them.  All the kids are invited to the ceremony & reception... Is giving them tasks okay- or is it saying you are important but not important enough?<strong> I was thinking of having the older girls hand out programs, and the boys hold signs saying something along the lines of "ceremony this way"..</strong>
Posted by jbouchard10132012[/QUOTE]

<div>That is fine.  Don't over think this.  About the whole "not important enough"... don't let yourself think that.  You simply cannot have every single person in your WP or involved in the ceremony itself.  I would think giving a job like that shows that you do care and are trying to have them be involved.  I come from a HUGE italian family.  If I started with the whole cousins, niece, nephews... it would be a disaster.  Don't overthink it.  Go with your gut and stick by your decisions.  It's your day, not theirs.</div>

MairePoppy

You are not being cruel. The younger children will not think anything of it, if you don't ask them to be in the wedding party. The older two will think the little four year old is adorable, unless someone puts it in their heads that they have been treated unfairly. The adults involved in this situation should let all the children know it is a big deal for them to be invited to the wedding.

It's not necessary to find jobs for all the children, especially the younger ones. You could ask the two older gifls to hand out programs if it seems like they want to help out. Talk to the parents before you offer the children jobs.

You should tell your sister that she should mind her own business.

nlindsay17

It is your wedding and you should chose who is in the bridal party. Your sister got or gets to chose hers for her wedding. Don't let her make you feel guilty for your choices. You don't need to defend yourself in this. It would be crazy to have all  those kids in the bridal  party. I  think it was very sweet of you to choose your godchild. It obviously doesn't matter to you that it's not official so your sister really should mind her business. Best wishes!

kmmssg

While I agree with all the others, I am going to strongly encourage to stop ALL bridal party talk. You aren't getting married for another 2 years and you are going to regret some of your BP choices, I can promise.  Just read through this board and you will find many brides who want to fire someone from the bridal party because they have grown apart or they are closer to someone else and want that person instead.

Don't worry about this at all right now.  Table the discussion for a good year and then decide how you and FI feel about it.  You may want to go in a totally different direction a year from now.  Many of us have seen that several times on this board.

kaitlyn&henry

Your wedding party is seriously a carbon copy of mine. 3 bms were my sisters 3 bms were my SILs and the ONE flower girl was my godchild.

I have other neices and it was also a major problem i didnt ask them...what i had them do was walk in right after the parents walked in---no special dresses, but just so they felt included. I had them each carry one rose (because we had a rose ceremony as the unity, blessing of the virgin mary, and a recognition/gift ceremony for the parents where we gave them a rose).
 
I waited until the month before my wedding to decide because i was torn and didnt want a huge wedding party either, but inthe end they were so excited and happy to have been a part in some way.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:5ace5e22-3417-4242-aa45-552befab0e1a">Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings : What is that suppose to mean? I am assuming that she picked all sisters and sister-in-laws as she didnt want to pick between friends so I dont think that would mean that they are not close enough to be a BM....
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]

I wasn't talking to her, I was speaking to you hypothetically about your advice. It's considered biitch work more than an honor. I realize a lot of people do it, but it's just not encouraged here.

divadancer11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:b520814b-85c7-4e98-b6ea-23e28806520d">Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings : I wasn't talking to her, I was speaking to you hypothetically about your advice. It's considered biitch work more than an honor. I realize a lot of people do it, but it's just not encouraged here.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

I know you were talking to me however I didnt realize I stated have your nieces/nephews do your bitch work. They are children and when given a "special" responsibility whether its throwing flowers, walking with a pillow, saying hi to all of the guests and handing out programs or bubbles they are thrilled. This bride has asked us for advice which I provided and didnt realize that there was there was a "guideline for what is/isnt encouraged advice".

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nieces-nephews-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:287e951d-1239-4d1d-b010-c2921b9b928bPost:68c6f912-929d-43b4-8985-63d19373c7e3">Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: nieces, nephews & hurt feelings : I know you were talking to me however I didnt realize I stated have your nieces/nephews do your bitch work. They are children and when given a "special" responsibility whether its throwing flowers, walking with a pillow, saying hi to all of the guests and handing out programs or bubbles they are thrilled. This bride has asked us for advice which I provided and <strong>didnt realize that there was there was a "guideline for what is/isnt encouraged advice"</strong>.
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You haven't been around the boards very long.</div><div>
</div><div>If you read my post, I actually said that IMO, kids are the exception to this frequently discouraged rule. But as PP pointed out, some kids like helping, others don't. </div><div>
</div><div>Calm down, I never accused you of saying anything about my nieces/nephews.  I was trying to warn you that generally, asking people to hand out things for you or man your guest book is considered a job more than an honor, and is not encouraged. A lot of brides scramble to find things for people to do because they are afraid of people feeling left out, and they don't need to do that. </div>