Could the wedding be off over shoes?

lolliflute

I really need help ladies, this may seem like any other rant but she means it this time. My mother just blew up because I asked her for the money to pay for my bridal shoes. When I told her the cost she started yelling at me about why I couldn’t just go to payless. When I calmly (im finishing my final semester to get my masters in Psychology) reminded her that it was impossible for me to find shoes in my size, and that these shoes were nothing in comparison to cost to what she bought herself for the wedding she brought my future in-laws into the fight complaining how she had to pay for everything while they pay for nothing! She then proceeds to yell about how she has friends at work that have their daughters fiancés family paying for half the wedding, so why were my future in-laws so lazy (im also leaving her explicit language out). Now shes refusing to pay for anything more and according to her the wedding is off, she even called my planner and told her she wanted everything canceled….over shoes! My fiancé and I are both still in school without a penny to our names and our wedding is in 38 days! What do we do?! I would get married in a brown paper bag in the clerk’s office but everyone in his family has eloped and everyone was looking forward to a real wedding! Help please!

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_could-wedding-off-over-shoes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a9844d7-6bc4-4087-8162-8e2499167211Post:53ece190-3598-4b2f-a27d-c3cfb08bc80a">Could the wedding be off over shoes?</a>:
[QUOTE] My fiancé and I are both still in school without a penny to our names and our wedding is in 38 days! What do we do?!
Posted by lolliflute[/QUOTE]

I've read this whole thread and I just keep coming back to this sentence.  If you are both still in school, don't have a penny to your names, then are expecting everyone else to pay for your life.  This is immature, ridiculous, unfair, and unwise (as you are learning).  You are in no position to get married at this point in time.

Your mother cancelled everything?  Fine.  Let her.  Cancel the whole shebang and after you start your perfect jobs in April, save up the money and pay for the wedding the two of you want like adults.

CowgirlK39

Holy flame-fest. This place is nuts.

OP, I think you pretty much have your answer. You know how your mother is, and why she is this way. No one on here can tell you what to do about her. But if she hijacked your wedding plans, and now she's mad and wants to cancel it all, then she can go right ahead. If you and your FI want to be married, go do it your own way. You asked for help with the shoes, she said no, so there's your answer. I do feel bad that your mom doesn't see life the same as you, so I think you are better off if she cancels everything.

I certainly don't agree that apparently you have to be rich to get married. Who the heck are you people to tell the OP whether or not she deserves to get married? Let her figure that out herself. I don't have a dime to my name either and I work 55 hours a week. I guess that means anyone who struggles at any point with money shoulnd't get married.

slpankuch

Yes your mother is controlling and for that I am sorry. HOWEVER you are at the mercy of her money, therefore she has the ultimate say in how things go. My mother is paying for a large chunk of our wedding but RESPECTS my wishes. It is sad you and your mother do not have this relationship.

The fight over shoes is not worth having your wedding cancelled over. Return the shoes and YES do what your mother wishes (she’s paying), you most definitely should not be using textbook grant money on that. Get a part-time job and pay for your own shoes..you can get a cheap pair in your size on AMAZON.COM.  

It sounds like you are a little ungrateful for all the money she put into the wedding. BTW..you will find that getting a job right out of college with no work experience is not going to happen so you might want to start preparing for your life. Living off of love is not gonna cut it in the long run hun. AND don't play the ohhh..I'm going to college and getting my masters sob story. I put myself through college, had a part time job, and am paying for a good chunk of my wedding. You just sound lazy to me.

If you don't want your mother to take over the wedding..pay for it..make most of the decisions. Let her cancel, GET A JOB, and pay for the wedding yourself.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_could-wedding-off-over-shoes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a9844d7-6bc4-4087-8162-8e2499167211Post:9dced556-9a01-48a3-82b1-7f2fc1359555">Re: Could the wedding be off over shoes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy flame-fest. This place is nuts. OP, I think you pretty much have your answer. You know how your mother is, and why she is this way. No one on here can tell you what to do about her. But if she hijacked your wedding plans, and now she's mad and wants to cancel it all, then she can go right ahead. If you and your FI want to be married, go do it your own way. You asked for help with the shoes, she said no, so there's your answer. I do feel bad that your mom doesn't see life the same as you, so I think you are better off if she cancels everything.<strong> I certainly don't agree that apparently you have to be rich to get married. Who the heck are you people to tell the OP whether or not she deserves to get married? </strong>Let her figure that out herself. I don't have a dime to my name either and I work 55 hours a week. I guess that means anyone who struggles at any point with money shoulnd't get married.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

No one said that she doesn't <em>deserve</em> to get married.  Sure, it'd be in her best interest to wait until they are financially stable enough to do so, since finances are the biggest strain on a marriage (and the #1 cause of divorce).  Stuggling while working is one thing, and something most people experience at some point or another in their lives .  But OP isn't 'struggling', she's living off of grants while still in college, which is a completely different animal. 

If they just waited a few months until they graduated, they'd likely be able to fund the wedding they want on their own, but OP just doesn't want to wait.  She wants her mom to pay for it, but doesn't want to accept the strings that comes with it.  This has nothing to do with 'deserving to get married' and everything to do with making the adult decision to either accept what she's given, or pay for it herself.

lenergyrlah

From your second post, it sounds like you originally wanted a small wedding in a barn, but your mom wanted a really fancy one and offered to pay for it herself.  Now that she has cancelled her offer, I would recommend that you revert to the first option, getting married in a barn, since that's what you originally wanted anyway.

B&K10+13+12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_could-wedding-off-over-shoes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2a9844d7-6bc4-4087-8162-8e2499167211Post:f44b23f9-4a67-4b8d-b3e8-9897554d4331">Re: Could the wedding be off over shoes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, this wedding could be over because of shoes. Shoes. Do you think that's a good reason?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Well of course, Princess can't possibly have a good time at her wedding wearing the shoes that her evil mother forced upon her feet in a fit of rage! </div>

owengirl996

I have to agree with other ladies on here...it's just shoes. It's not the end of the world if you wear flip flops from Old Navy for $3.

And you know it's possible to view someone's posts on other boards on here, right? Why did your FI give up his job as an insurance agent with your upcoming wedding? If he lost his job, I'm terribly sorry. That would be very hard to deal with when trying to plan a wedding

Kate61487

I'd apologize to your mother for upsetting her, then let her know that you understand she no longer wants to pay for the wedding and give her the list of people she needs to call to communicate the cancellation.  If she's really the socialite you describe I seriously doubt she'd want the embarassment of having to call all her friends to tell them the wedding is off.  If she DOES go through with the cancellation, well, you can't afford to pay for anything she booked and in 38 days I doubt you could even finance a re-do for 400 people so if she's not paying it needs to be cancelled.

And yes, everyone jumped all over you for being entitled b/c your OP said "mom refuses to pay for my shoes, even though hers are way more expensive"  do you realize how obnoxious and entitled that sounds?

KatyRoseM

It can be hard when your mom wants a style of wedding you want.  I also understand that you may not have realized how much you wanted to have some input at the beginning.  That being said its a bit late now.  Your mom wanted the big wedding, either smooth things over with her, or let her deal with the fallout of it being canceled and elope. 

jak554

All the other PPs are right...she has the money, she gets to do with it for your wedding as she pleases. My parents are helping us pay for ours and we agreed already to a few things they've requested.

Also, I'm curious what size you are. I"m wearing flats for my wedding day and in flats I'm a 2 1/2...in children's. And I found a pair at...guess what...Payless. You're shoes won't matter because they won't be seen (unless you're in a tea length dress) but even then no one will care.

Summer2011Bride

If you didn't like your mother's wedding plans, you could have graciously turned her down and either A) eloped or went to the courthouse to get married in your budget now or wait and save up for the wedding you really want. Those are both adult, mature decisions. Letting your mother foot the bill b/c you can't afford it but then whining and complaining about how she's planning it is ungrateful and immature.

Frankly, if I was in your position, I'd apologize to your mother, get shoes within her budget, and see if you can still get married as planned. This close to the wedding date I think it'd be a PITA to cancel everything and then try to re-plan for a later date. But if you are stuck on the principle of the thing, then YOU will be footing the bill for your wedding plans. Better save up!

1BabyFritsch

Wow ok so things must be really different here in Cincinnati or maybe my family is crazy but I will tell you this much.

No matter how much my parents decided to spend on my wedding they would never even imagine deciding something without my approval. Every decision has been discussed but pretty much has ultimately been my and FI decision. I am very sorry your mother is turning this into a social event. I am even more sorry you have to have not 1 but 3 ice sculptures YIKES! LOL

I would have to guess that there is no way she will call off your wedding and loose all the money she has already invested in down payments ect. not to mention she would have to call everyone and explain it is called off because of shoes. I just dont see that happening unless she has completely lost her mind.

I would give it a couple days and then try to talk to her about what is really going on. Maybe she is getting overwhelmed by the fact that you only have 6 more weeks and she has turned a 50 person back yard wedding into a 3 ring circus. Maybe you can show her how expensive most of the pairs you looked at were and explain why you picked the ones you did. she may come around.

If she dosent I am very sorry! I'd take your dress and go vist a JOP and have a party once you graduate for the people YOU choose and the decorations food ect..YOU want

Please dont let theses ladies get you down they all apparently have perfect manners and never go against what is seen as PC and perfect etiquette

Kristin789

OP, I live where you live, and while I do believe your mom yelled the sentence below, I really doubt that it's factual:
/>>she has friends at work that have their daughters fiancés family paying for half the wedding

My DH and I are both teachers here in West Coast Florida and we go to a LOT of weddings, and I have never heard of the groom's family paying half the wedding costs.  Just doesn't happen in this area. 

LAMuehlen

wow. one suddenly i'm really lucky i have my parents cause they arent crazy. second, seriously? my fi and i are saving to go back to school, get our first place together, working full time, and only getting minor help from my parents. all we get from them is the same dollar amount they gave my sisters. and third. the most important part of your wedding day is the fact your getting married. if your mom is canceling everything over shoes, go to the court house and get married with his family. seriously. get married, be married. but make sure you can take care of yourselves.

hydrangeabeach

Sheesh! Flame fest is right. If you read carefully, the OP isn't complaining that her mom won't pay for the shoes. She's upset about the RESPONSE she got from her mom. It sounds to me like both mom and bride are stressed and overwhelmed, and that emotions got the better of them. As is usually the case, btw. It sounds like mom is very strong willed, and no one crosses her. This does not make the bride spineless. I say, suck it up, bride, and ask mom how she wants to proceed. If she really wants to cancel the wedding as planned, you can probably have the wedding you wanted after all. If she doesn't cancel, accept the wedding as the gift that it is, and try to work on enjoying the rest of the planning and the event itself as an opportunity to forge an adult relationship with your mom. Then, plan an intimate, sensible dinner or party for your parents and his, and your WP when things settle down for you after the wedding. This will allow you to take charge of something and make it yours, allow your mom to see that you are an adult, and that parties don't need to be socialite galas to celebrate important things. Good luck!