Processional & MOG issues

dappledachsie

Ok I'm gonna try to keep this short...

#1 My FH's parents are divorced and have been for close to 25 years. They are still on good terms (spend holidays together as a family as well as several nights a week for dinner.) however, his mother is EXTREMELY dependent on the oldest son (my FH), while she coddles the younger son (26 years old, lives at home with his girlfriend...).  My FH has insisted that I include her in several "events" that my mom expected would be just her and I. But I have to include FH's mother because "she always wanted a daughter and well now your it so you need to include her in everything your mother gets to do." My mom has said ok and gone along with it so far, but I feel like I'm hurting her. My FH says its his mother's place to be included now and if I don't I'll be hurting her. I don't really know what to do or what to say to him, because he just gets upset and then refuses to discuss the wedding topic at all and says to just do whatever I want without involving him.

#2. Continuing with the "whatever your mom gets, so does mine" he says since he is walking my mother down the aisle during the processional (my mother is also divorced from my father, but he is walking me down the aisle, so FH is walking my mom so she doesn't walk alone) he also wants to walk his mother down the aisle BEFORE my mother. My concerns with this are 1.) Shouldn't his father walk with his mother since obviously his father isn't walking with anyone else like my father obviously is? and 2.) Ok, if FH does walk his mother down the aisle, what would be the most proper/non-awkward way for his father to enter? and 3.) I guess I don't know enough about the formality of the processional to know...in what order does the family enter? Mine first, his first, etc? It just seems weird to me that his mother would be escorted in first rather than mine. Any clarification here would be GREATLY appreciated!

I don't even really know how I feel about FH's mother anymore, I'm so frustrated. I feel like she needs to be an adult and learn to be independent. I feel like she needs to grow up and let her boys (both of them!) be independent and live their own lives. Sure, I'm joining their family, but I have absolutely no intentions of spending 24/7 with her, nor do I feel like she should receive special attention at the wedding just because I'm her "daughter" now. She isn't contirubuting one penny to the wedding/reception/rehearsal but yet is making demands and expecting to have things done her way. Sure, we are including their family and so traditions, etc are being taken into account, but my family and myself are footing the bill so I don't feel like she gets to call the shots.

Help? Suggestions? Thoughts?

Thanks for reading!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_processional-mog-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3a603fe2-542f-4bda-a516-e96cf0cc2617Post:25acb351-a367-43d4-917b-86c07ef3d6b3">Processional & MOG issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I'm gonna try to keep this short... #1 My FH's parents are divorced and have been for close to 25 years. They are still on good terms (spend holidays together as a family as well as several nights a week for dinner.) however, his mother is EXTREMELY dependent on the oldest son (my FH), while she coddles the younger son (26 years old, lives at home with his girlfriend...).  My FH has insisted that I include her in several "events" that my mom expected would be just her and I. But I have to include FH's mother because "she always wanted a daughter and well now your it so you need to include her in everything your mother gets to do." My mom has said ok and gone along with it so far, but I feel like I'm hurting her. My FH says its his mother's place to be included now and if I don't I'll be hurting her. I don't really know what to do or what to say to him, because he just gets upset and then refuses to discuss the wedding topic at all and says to just do whatever I want without involving him. #2. Continuing with the "whatever your mom gets, so does mine" he says since he is walking my mother down the aisle during the processional (my mother is also divorced from my father, but he is walking me down the aisle, so FH is walking my mom so she doesn't walk alone) he also wants to walk his mother down the aisle BEFORE my mother. My concerns with this are 1.) Shouldn't his father walk with his mother since obviously his father isn't walking with anyone else like my father obviously is? and 2.) Ok, if FH does walk his mother down the aisle, what would be the most proper/non-awkward way for his father to enter? and 3.) I guess I don't know enough about the formality of the processional to know...in what order does the family enter? Mine first, his first, etc? It just seems weird to me that his mother would be escorted in first rather than mine. Any clarification here would be GREATLY appreciated! I don't even really know how I feel about FH's mother anymore, I'm so frustrated. I feel like she needs to be an adult and learn to be independent. I feel like she needs to grow up and let her boys (both of them!) be independent and live their own lives. Sure, I'm joining their family, but I have absolutely no intentions of spending 24/7 with her, nor do I feel like she should receive special attention at the wedding just because I'm her "daughter" now. She isn't contirubuting one penny to the wedding/reception/rehearsal but yet is making demands and expecting to have things done her way. Sure, we are including their family and so traditions, etc are being taken into account, but my family and myself are footing the bill so I don't feel like she gets to call the shots. Help? Suggestions? Thoughts? Thanks for reading!
Posted by dappledachsie[/QUOTE]

1)  You should not feel pressured by anyone to include your FMIL in things just because she is going to be your MIL.  It is horrible that your FI is doing this to you.  It is great that you have been accommodating but, there are just some things that you would rather do with just your Mom (I completely understand this).  It is definitely not her "place" to be included.  The decision to include her is up to you and you alone.  You need to explain to your FI why you just want to do certain things with just your Mom.  If he can't understand this or gets mad at you about it then you have a serious FI issue.

2)  Typically the grooms family gets escorted in first and then the brides family.  Also, your mother and his mother should be escorted in by either ushers, GMs, or even the groom and their SO should walk in behind them.  Why not have the groom escort his mother in into the ceremony followed by his father and another GM or usher escort your mother in?  This way everyone gets escorted properly and is happy.

Since your FILs are not contributing to the wedding you do not have to listen to what they say.  It is nice that you are including some of their traditions and ideas into your wedding but this is not at all necessary.  If you are tired of hearing their ideas or opinions then stop sharing wedding information.  If you can't stop sharing information then listen to what they have to say and respond with "I will take that into consideration" or "thanks for your opinion".

Honestly, I don't know if I am alone in this thinking, but I hate when MIL think that you are now their "daughter".  I'm sorry, you are not my Mother so I can definitely not be your daughter.  I love my MIL but I could never think of her as a Mother.  I feel that would be insulting to my Mom.  With mothers day coming up, I did not feel it necessary to do anything special for my MIL from myself because again she is not my Mother she is my H's Mother.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this but the main issue you have is your FI not backing you when you want to do something without his Mother.  This, I feel, is something you need to discuss pronto.

DeannaCW

I agree, this is an FI issue not an MOG issue.  She may be overly dependent on him, but he's allowing it. More than that, he's encouraging it. He should be the one de-stressing you if she insists on being included where you don't want her, not the one putting the stress on you.

MairePoppy

I have two questions for you:
In what other things has you fi insisted that his mother be included?
Why isn't your fi helping to pay for the wedding? It's his wedding, too. He should be helping to pay for it and should have some say in the planning.

Unless it's a Jewish wedding, the MOG is escorted to her seat first, by the escort of her choice. Her husband, if she is married, may escort her or he may follow behind her and her escort. The MOB is walked in after the MOG, by the escort of her choice. This signals to the guests and musicians that the procession is about to begin. It's actually a very nice honor, IMO. Your fi should escort his own mother, if that's what they want to do. You should not expect FMIL to walk down the aisle with her ex, unless the 2 of them volunteer to do so. If your mother wants, your fi can return and escort her, too. NBD. If your mom has sons, she might even prefer that her own son walk her down the aisle.

As an MOB, I do not feel that my daughter's relationship with her FMIL diminishes my relationship with my daughter in any way. I hope she and her FMIL grow to love each other and enjoy a close relationship. Don't assume that your mom has been offended by you including your FMIL. She might actually be proud of you for doing, so, even though you have ambivalent feelings toward her.

Your fi should not be trying to force a mother/daughter relationship on you and his mom. That is the part of your situation that most concerns me. Pre-marital counseling would be great way for the two of you to figure out how to set up boundaries.

Mark&Steph

My parents are married (to each other) and my FI's parents are divorced and both have since remarried. Our processional will go as such:

Usher #1 escorts FI's step mom, followed by her husband (FFIL)

Usher #2 escorts FI's mother, followed by her husband (FSFIL)

Usher #3 escorts my mother

Bridesmaids/Groomsmen

MOH/BM

[we have no flowergirls but they would go here]

My dad escorts me

Generally an usher/GM escorts the important women (moms, maybe grandmothers), and the women's SOs walk behind them, if there are SOs.

Also, it is typical for the MOB to be seated just before the rest of the processional (Bridesmaids, FGs, Bride+father). So if you let FMIL get escorted first, this corresponds to your mother going just before your WP and you, which is traditional.

dappledachsie

FI and I will be sharing the expense for some of the things like the invitations, flowers, venue ect. However, currently I've paid for the items that have already been paid for. We still have separate bank accounts and I've paid the wedding bills so far. He's paid household bills and such so I've had the most expendable income for the wedding items, as well as it's been my account that my family has put money into for the items they are covering (if they haven't paid them directly). FI has been involved in the planning for the most part, with the exception for a few things that he expressed his opinion on, if I started to say anything other than "OK that sounds great" before I could even finish the sentence he blows up and says to just do whatever I want and not ask for his opinion. (see below for more on this)

FI insisted that his mother go dress shopping with me and my mom for my dress. I then decided to include my bridesmaids since it was no longer something initmate and special for just me and my mom. He also insisted that his mother attend the tasting with us since my mother was coming (again, my family covering the cost of the food & venue). The only "perk" was that his mother did say not to choose a menu based on what she did/didn't like since she's an extremely picky eater. His mother wants invitations mailed NOW (wedding is end of October) since STDs were not mailed last year. FI decided that we would not mail STDs at all since his mother felt they should have been mailed more than 12 months in advance (we were hardly engaged that early), though we do have a wedding website and have emailed/facebooked it to all the relatives.

As far as discussing wedding things with her...I don't really. FI mentions things when she asks him and he refers her to me with questions. She wants to do alot of "crafy" things that while she may match them to our colors...do not match our theme or even come close to what FI and I have decided on. Most recently, wanting to make craft "favor" boxes...our favors will be a living pine tree seedling directly from the Arbor Foundation. No packaging needed. We've told her this and she still wants to make boxes and I have no idea what she thinks we are going to put in them.  

She wants us to forego a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Instead she wants FI and I to HOST (yes as in pay for) a "party" for all the guests the night before the wedding, so they can "wish us well". Said party is to include dinner and drinks for 200 guests. I have tried explaining that a rehearsal is necessary and has been requested by both the ring bearer and flower girl's parents, we need to take the flowers to the venue (my mother is bringing them with her from an out of town florist) as well as there being several logistical items that need to be worked out for the elderly grandparents (regrading steps, mobility, etc) and I want ALL wedding party/immediate family members to know how to get to the venue (remote area in the mountains) so its not an issue the day of. The rehearsal issue is where FI blows up and won't discuss anything further with me. Says I can pick tuxes, cake, everything on my own as his opinion doesn't matter. Its not that it doesn't matter, it's that there are several reasons why the rehearsal is important and we can't afford to host a party for all the guests (last I checked, that's what a reception is for...) before the wedding. If his mother would like to pay for the party...I will gladly make sure there is room in the schedule for it by all means. Otherwise, its just not in our budget. 

Am I so wrong? 

dappledachsie

Ok and for the processional...we have:
my parents (divorced, my dad walking me, mom asked FI to escorrt her)
his parents (divorced, discussed at length above)
My maternal grandparents (being escorted by my uncle/their son)
Fi's maternal grandmother (have not yet discussed escort)
FI's paternal grandmother (have not yet discussed escort)
3 bride's maids
3 groomsmen (will be escorting maids, as the aisle has stairs and we feel it would be more appropriate rather than them all walking individually)
1 flower girl (3 yrs old)
1 ring bearer (3.5 years old)

The grandparents will not walk down the main aisle, as its theater seating and the aisle is essentially a set of wide spaced stairs. The grandparents will make an entrance at the bottom of the seating area, no steps required. The remaining wedding party will all come down the aisle, which is why we chose to have the groomsmen escort the maids and the ring bearer will (hopefully) walk with the flower girl.

So with all the above members listed...what is the correct order? (Thank you for those of you who already corrected my thought on the mothers! I really appreciate it and didn't realize that his mother is seated first!)

MairePoppy

It was unfair of your fi to guilt you into bringing your FMIL to shop for your dress. If you wanted to make that a special moment with your mom, you should have put your foot down on that because it really didn't have anything to do with him. She could help him pick out his outfit for the wedding or he could create some special mother/son moments for the two of them to enjoy.

What your fi is doing, when you don't agree with him, is called a temper tantrum. He's refusing to cooperate and stomping off like a two year old when he doesn't get his way. That's not such a good sign. I hope premarital counseling is in your immediate future. Your fi needs to learn to cut the apron strings so he can form a new family with you. If he can't do that, send him back to his mama.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_processional-mog-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3a603fe2-542f-4bda-a516-e96cf0cc2617Post:3f5b5a40-d2db-4dff-b521-e90d027f5ce2">Re: Processional & MOG issues</a>:
[QUOTE]It was unfair of your fi to guilt you into bringing your FMIL to shop for your dress. If you wanted to make that a special moment with your mom, you should have put your foot down on that because it really didn't have anything to do with him. She could help him pick out his outfit for the wedding or he could create some special mother/son moments for the two of them to enjoy.
<strong>What your fi is doing, when you don't agree with him, is called a temper tantrum. He's refusing to cooperate and stomping off like a two year old when he doesn't get his way. That's not such a good sign. I hope premarital counseling is in your immediate future. Your fi needs to learn to cut the apron strings so he can form a new family with you. If he can't do that, send him back to his mama</strong>.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Marie is wise.  Is he like this for any topic he doesn't want to discuss?  I would suggest some premarital counseling. 

I invited my MIL dress shopping for the exact reason your FI wanted his mom to go.  But if I wanted to have that special time with my mom, I would not have asked her.  Your FI should have respected your wishes to have private time with your mom.

As for your processional, I feel it's kinda weird to have your FI escort your mom down the aisle.  I think MOG should be escorted by her other son, with FOG following behind.  Then your mom escorted by a GM or a brother (if you have one).  I think the BMs can walk in by them selves, its just stairs, they could probably navigate them on their own.

As for the wedding expenses, FI and I had a deal (we lived together) that I paid all of the household bills and he paid all the wedding bills.  We looked at it as everything was getting paid for and either way our money would be going to either house bills or wedding bills anyway, so it didn't matter who paid what.  This worked out well for us, but I could see it not working for everyone.

dappledachsie

My mother asked for FI to escort her after we saw a cousin do the same on my dad's side of the family. I am an only child so no brother to escort MOB. FI's brother is the best man, which is why he is not escorting MOG. We chose to have the groomsmen escort the bride's maids as we feel its the gentlemanly thing to do, especially since its an outdoor wedding and the stairs are natural rock and wood (ie not perfectly flat), there is no hand railing and the MOH will be 7 months pregnant.  

Yes the "temper tamtrum" (which is a perfect description, thank you!) has only ever been thrown regarding the rehearsal & dinner topic.

As for the dress shopping, he said if my mom wanted it to be just me and her that would be ok, but that his mom really wanted to be included. I asked my mom and she said she had thought it would be just us, but that if MOG wanted to come , we would make do. It was the tone of her voice that told me she was disappointed that it wouldn't be just the two of us.

redheadtmk

Taking his opinion into consideration does not mean letting him have his own way.  You posted earlier that this was his first temper tantrum. I would make sure you have a come to jesus talk with him about this so that it does not become the norm for future stressful events such as kids!

MairePoppy

The dress shopping, food tasting are done, so there is nothing you can do about that now. But I agree that your fi was out of line to force his mom into those situations. You should have said no. Once you agree to something, it is no longer the other guy's fault. Learn to stick up for yourself.

Your FMIL is wrong to demand a huge party, that you can't afford, be held the night before the wedding. Your fi should tell her it is not in the budget and conflicts with the rehearsal and RD. If she offers to pay for a party and you take her up on it, she becomes the host and has control over the dinner and who is invited, what is served etc...So you might not even want to go there, even if she offers to pay.

If your fi wants to do things his mom's way, then he should marry her. If he wants to marry you, he needs to realize that YOU are his core family and that it's time to grow up, stop having temper tantrums and learn how to say no to mom.

As for seating the moms, it is reasonable for your FMIL to want her son, the groom, to escort her down the aisle. He can return for your mom and walk down twice. Your FFIL may walk in with his date or a close family member. No one will think it's weird. The whole seating of the parents and procession is such a small part of the day. You have more important things to settle.

Meghannsix

A party the night before so guests can "wish you well"?  I agree, that's what the reception is for.  On top of that, I would be exhausted on my wedding day if I had to squeeze in RD and a big party with everyone the day before.  You have some serious issues with your Fi and his relationship with his mommy, I hope you can work it out.  Good luck!